


Destiny

by starrymeis (meiqis)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, some playful cursing involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:22:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 62,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23655292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiqis/pseuds/starrymeis
Summary: It was a rainy day, sheltered inside a library, when Jeno felt his heart tighten in pain. Warmth that seemed to be soaked wet before the kindling of a fire started.But there was no wound that would not be healed by time, and sometimes, fate also offered a second chance to make up for what had once been missed.(Jeno has been in love with Renjun for years and he left when it became too much. Years later, he hadn't expected to meet his never forgotten love again...)
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 42
Kudos: 231
Collections: noren fic fest round 1





	Destiny

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on prompt #026 (I put the full description at the bottom!) and I just want to say: when I first started this, I really didn't anticipate it to be this long... Without knowing, I had already binge written 30k without yet hitting the time skip so I'll just... apologize in advance! ~~I even cut scenes too...~~
> 
> My prompter also requested a lot of angst and I did try to fulfill it! I really did! But rather than the full on, heart wrenching angst, I feel like this is a rather... soft angst? Pining, and more pining, and so on. I hope you're still satisfied with this!!
> 
> I hope everyone reading this will also get to enjoy it as much as I did while writing, and if you feel intimidated by the length I reassure you, some scenes can actually be skipped? Writing wise, they were important to me for a build but for a reader? I'm not so sure, haha  
> (For anyone who likes to listen to music while reading, I recommend Kun's _Wait Wait Wait_ , btw)
> 
>  **As a warning** there is one explicit sex scene and for those who don't want to read it or feel uncomfortable about it: it is after the time jump, the 2nd half of the scene relating to the company dinner is the one in question, so you can just scroll down to the next marking!  
> There's also mentions of smoking and drinking.

“Hyung!” Jeno basically yelled across the apartment the second the door opened up, entirely disregarding Johnny in the door in favor of hugging his brother tight. Were he as small as he had been five years ago, smaller than Taeyong even, he might have clung onto the older like a monkey to the tree. As it was, though, he had already outgrown his own brother not only in height but also width. Nowadays, it was more like him squeezing the older to death, or at least to some little whining.

With an age difference of nearly a perfect five years, there had been a distinct dynamic to their relationship. From Taeyong indulging his whims as a toddler to Jeno admiring the older throughout kindergarten and elementary school. The number putting them apart had always been just right, had their interests by age parted but to Taeyong and his friends Jeno had always been the one they could look after, someone to baby, mostly because he didn’t put up much of an act.

When they had been twelve and asked him to play with them, he had been delighted. When they had him taken along to the ice parlor he wasn’t allowed to go to alone with nine years of age only, he had been easily shut up due to eating. When they had been at an age to watch horror movies and sent him to bed, he had asked for little more than a bedtime story and had made at least Taeyong and Johnny give him a forehead kiss. When they had become eighteen, and celebrated in summer, they had taken him along to the beach. 

Never once it had been uncomfortable nor awkward, their highest overlap in interest had been when the first Wii had been released and the brothers had bought Mario Kart to play together, meaning both Jeno was allowed to play with Taeyong’s friends and Taeyong was demanded to play with Jeno’s. They hadn’t needed to brawl for their games and toys, and that meant their relationship had been easy most of the times.

Only in the recent five years, when Taeyong had picked up college and moved into the dorms first, then his own apartment, did Jeno realize how much he actually missed his brother. He had his own friends, sure, he had Jaemin and Hyuck by his side, but it wasn’t the same when neither of them could cook like Taeyong, would tug him into bed like a twelve year old even at the age of eighteen while they chattered away, would treat him to an ice cream like it had been their year long tradition now. 

So in these recent, whenever he got to meet his brother during holidays and weekend visits, he tried to take advantage of it to the best of his possibilities. Possibilities that only spread out further now that he, too, was entering university and finally got to spend more time with his brother and his friends again. Friends of which not many had stuck around throughout the years, as was normal, but Johnny was like a steady pillar.

So by the time Taeyong was tapping in defeat against his arms, as if they were in a wrestling ring and not just Johnny’s living room, Jeno let go only to tackle the taller man. Already expecting that, the older held open his arms in greeting, tightly wrapped around the teenager now. “So you didn’t just forget about me, huh?” The American teased, ruffling up the kid’s hair affectionately.

“Can’t you greet Johnny first next time?” Taeyong coughed from where he was bent over the couch, holding his chest that had been squeezed tight deliberately just seconds prior.

“Hyung!” Jeno called out in shock, looking in surprise at his own flesh and blood, feeling the utmost betrayed at this current moment. The moment didn’t last for long, with Johnny using the moment to his advantage and lift Jeno like a bag of rice, just like it had been all the years prior and never changed. It was an advantage in this case that they both were the sporty type, it meant at least one of his childhood idols was able to carry him around as if no time had passed at all.

“Get the kid something to eat, Yongie,” Johnny laughed, eliciting an affronted noise from the older. It quickly faded when the older pointed at the clock and, with a start, Taeyong realized that their time was limited. 

For what was apparently a tradition, they had scheduled a little party just on the edge of the beginning spring semester, something born from Taeyong and Johnny getting drunk with their roommates at that time before their first semester in college. It had evolved and morphed, was no longer a hangout of a handful people in their dorm room but a set date for all their friends to show up Johnny’s doormat. 

And for the first time, it was Jeno’s turn to participate as well.

  


  


A few of the people that were filed into Johnny’s apartment and settled around the couch table Jeno was familiar with, from the few times he had visited his brother in college or when someone else had come along home. Usually in summer, when they wanted to make use of the Lee household being relatively close to the beach, allowing them to spend their summers there freely.

Jaehyun was someone he was familiar, along with Doyoung, guys that had just been added to the group as the years went by and, similar to Taeyong and Johnny before them, they were the kind to spoil Jeno without any limit. Unfortunately, it also meant that as Jeno was reaching for the drink Johnny had prepared for him, Doyoung was the first to take it away from him. “I think you had enough, young man.”

A questioning noise escaped from Jeno’s lips because a) this was his first drink this night and b) it wasn’t his first time drinking, he knew his limits pretty well. At least thanks to his first time, when Johnny and Taeyong had come home for a holiday, to celebrate his coming-of-age belatedly, and Johnny had gotten them trashed. “When he does it one time, he never wants to again,” had been the American’s explanation back then and, true to his words, Jeno had heeded his limits since then.

“Let the kid have some fun, hyung,” Jaehyun laughed, taking the cup from Doyoung again to hand it back to Jeno. Behind the kid’s back, the Valentine’s boy stuck his tongue out at the older, something the teen pretended not to have seen.

He was still trying to get familiar with everyone around, to remember their names and get them connected to their faces, and considering nobody had come in for at least half an hour, Jeno was certain about everyone must be here. Until Taeyong asked, “Johnny, is Junnie still at dance?”

It was impossible to miss the question when his brother sat right opposite him, bracketed by Johnny’s knees who had taken place on the couch instead. Jeno, too, would have loved to sit next to his brother but apparently Jaehyun and Doyoung had been about as Jeno-deprived as Jeno had been Taeyong-deprived.

“He just messaged me that Kun had picked him up right now,” the older smiled, a special glint in his eyes that Jeno hadn’t seen before. Maybe he had, it seemed a bit like that time Johnny had talked about the exchange student, Ten, who wasn’t around today. But if it was someone like Ten, wouldn’t Jeno know?

He shot a confused look to Jaehyun, who just shrugged it off. “Junnie is Junnie,” and that was it. No further explanation so Jeno didn’t pry either. Until, suddenly, as if it were the revelation of the year and not prompted by their conversation, the older slapped his knee in realization. “Actually! You should get along well with Renjunnie, you’re the same age. He’s also attending university starting this year.”

That was a bit surprising. Jeno would’ve understood if Johnny had invited Jaemin and Donghyuck (except these traitors had chosen a different university and couldn’t come today), because those were his friends. But for two guys in their final year of their master’s study, it seemed unlikely they’d meet someone five years younger.

“They met at a party. Sicheng took him along.” Doyoung supplied from his other side and, at Jeno’s wide eyed look, pointed at an elfish looking boy being wrapped tight into Yuta’s embrace. Pretty sure they had still wrestled around before, it was a surprise to see them get along now. Maybe that Sicheng boy had just given up already.

It seemed like Doyoung wanted to add something more to it but before he was able to, one of the girls around had already proposed a game to get their mood up a bit. A difference of two worlds to the old Mario Kart game they would pull out at home for a cozy evening with pizza and, since recently, beer. 

As basic as “two lies, one truth” might sound, there were a bunch of weird things going on Jeno would have never thought possible. Like one of the girls thinking that when a friend had told her honey was good for the hair, she thought it meant putting her head into an apiary. Sounded like a lie, definitely wasn’t. Or Mark’s story of having tried to check for Pennywise after having watched It and then getting his head stuck on the roadside, back when he had been in North America still. It definitely didn’t fit with the image of Mark now.

Next to them, Jeno didn’t think he had much interesting to tell, preferring to keep silent instead. Once he had gotten to pass when it had been his turn, thanks to Taeyong’s kind words, and he doubted he would be able to escape it for another time, dreading it more and more the more the circle closed in on him. So he thought of it as sweet relief when two new people entered the room, both unfamiliar to him but seemingly not to the others.

The older between the two was waved over by Doyoung to sit down on the ground too, and the younger - Jeno belatedly realized it must be the Junnie earlier mentioned - simply jumped over the backrest of the couch to take a seat behind Johnny. It also meant Jeno had a perfect view of the boy and, well, he might have choked on his rum and coke. 

After growing up with someone like Taeyong in his family, with their mother having modeled in their younger days, with pretty boys like his friends and his brother’s friends having entered his life, he thought he had grown somewhat used to great visuals. Only this boy was a bit different. There was less of that justified nonchalance they had all garnered throughout the years of being complimented, and more an air of youthful elegance. Eyes bright and sparkling, Jeno felt like internally gagging when himself comparing them to a starry night sky. Cheeks that still carried a bit of baby fat gave distinctly away how sharp his features could be in a few months time already. The air of maturity was only broken by the little snaggletooth, like a memento of childhood days, when all their teeth had been uneven and not yet fixed by various means.

Jaehyun, with a bit too much force, patted his back in reaction to his coughing, nearly sending the cup tumbling out of Jeno’s hand. He was just lucky he had drunk enough of it not to have it sploshing all over his lap, thus possibly soaking his clothes. 

“I told you he had enough,” Doyoung protested on his other side, reaching for his cup again but Jeno was smarter this time and dodged the traitorous hand. A pout and puppy eyes were all it took for the older to let him off easy and when Jeno looked over to the boy again, he could see him observe the exchange with an amused little smile.

Before the game could pick up again, and he was forced to come up with two lies that would fit his utterly boring life, where his greatest accomplishment was that he had binged the recent Assassin’s Creed game to the point of finishing in a single day. That sure made one great party buzzer. At least Jeno was aware himself that his life wasn’t as interesting, so he’d rather not make this awkward in advance.

Gesturing at his cup, and checking with his brother, he left for the kitchen to pour himself another drink, a bit lighter than Johnny’s this time. Because Johnny wasn’t even that great a drinker but still mixed his drinks with a ratio to knock out a bull. And while he was at it, he might as well check whether there was something else to gulp down rather than just rum and coke, albeit Johnny’s go-to after beer. Must be the American traces.

“Care to make me something too, stranger?” A voice asked behind him, one he couldn’t file immediately. When he turned, Junnie stood there. Jeno thought to remember Jaehyun had referred to him as Renjunnie, too, which might be a more accurate guess.

“Renjun?” Jeno still checked, and when the other hummed in agreement, a wave of relief overcame him. 

The boy must feel about as at home at Johnny’s as Jeno did, for he didn’t hesitate to heave himself up onto the kitchen counter to observe the progress of his future drink. “There should be an alcoholic base around somewhere. And iced tea. Just mix that.”

Any sane person would have questioned that, why exactly there were such curious ingredients meant to be around. Luckily, and according to Donghyuck, Jeno did not belong to that bunch. He didn’t question it, only poured in as much of each the liquids he had found until the other called for a stop. 

When finally he handed it over, Renjun took a testing sip first, then let out a delighted noise. “You’re good at this! Way better than Johnny.” Which, really, wasn’t exactly a compliment. Johnny just sucked at mixing drinks. “Did you come with Jaehyun? Or Doyoung?”

“On my own,” Jeno corrected. He nearly wanted to shrink beneath the look he received in return. Nearly. How could someone so small - and he had checked, Renjun didn’t just look tiny next to Johnny, he had looked delicate even just standing in the doorway! - be that intimidating? Right. Yeah. Not the question that had been asked. “I’m Taeyong’s brother.”

“Oh… Explains that at least.” As if it would actually explain anything when someone waved their hand in front of their face without additional words. Usual for him, Jeno released a confused sound. “Your brother is handsome.”

And just like that, Renjun was gone again. Had hopped off the counter, drink in his hands, and gone back to the living where a delighted “Junnie!” from Johnny already greeted him. But to Jeno, it was just confusing. Had he been complimented by that boy just now or had that been only an effort to get into his brother’s good favors?

  


  


From his place on the armrest of the couch, feet tugged underneath his knees and precariously keeping his balance, Jeno observed Renjun on the far away side of the dining table. Where previously snacks had been placed, tape was used to mark the middle, and a small ball popped across it every other moment. Throughout the hours, the group of people having come had slowly scaled down until only the core was left over. Including a very shitfaced Johnny who had still insisted on playing beer pong.

Taeyong was in an equally useless state, clinging to Jaehyun’s front who had become a pillar of support while the taller fished the ball out from between his remaining cups, and somehow still managed to dunk it in one of Johnny’s, all hindrances aside.

“Guess that’s just another proof of Jaehyunie-hyung being the best man offered to us by the world,” Renjun sighed dramatically, but despite the theatrical air, there was a lack of proper admiration. Like a punch that didn’t hold any strength. A toddler trying to write a love poem. It had Taeyong humming in agreement anyways, and even from a distance Jeno could see his brother tightening his embrace.

Johnny’s drinking speed had cut down considerably. It would have Jeno worried were he not aware the older had a stomach befitting to be called an iron bunker, it was a one-way path. Way unlike his own first time drinking which still had his nose scrunching in detest.

“Cute,” Renjun called from across the room, an amused smile across his face as their gazes met. The Chinese was better at holding it, though, whereas Jeno had to look aside already. He was thankful for the alcohol in his system and his cheeks already feeling hot or this would have been quite embarrassing now.

Another few clacking sounds, and the pretty boy called out, “You’re a shit shooter.”

“You love me,” Johnny retorted, tone overly sweet, and while it made the boy snort, Jeno didn’t miss that it wasn’t denied. It was odd. These two were odd. For why, he hadn’t yet figured out.

In the run of the evening, he had realized a few things aside from that. No matter how much he talked to Taeyong over the phone, whenever his brother was caught up in his selfmade studio in the apartment and Jeno was caught up with an especially tricky game, there was a distinct discrepancy between hearing all about these encounters and seeing it live. In the three years they had known each other, Taeyong must have told him about every detail about Jaehyun, including one awkward and drunk confession of how his brother was projecting his need to express affection to Jeno on Jaehyun, because - Taeyong’s words - they were familiar like that.

He had heard enough about Johnny’s sex life to be sure he could fill whole porn site pages with that, but had never been told by the man of mention himself. Jeno might even be able to write a list of all the things that got Doyoung annoyed, be it simple things like the toilet paper being hung up the wrong way around or the fight he had gotten into with a professor before because the old man had been sexist towards a female student. It was definitely different to being shooed off while trying to help cleaning up in reality.

Jaehyun and Doyoung weren’t even strangers to him, he had met them a few times already, sometimes even exchanged a few words with them during those times Taeyong was on the phone with him but held up for a moment. But there was a restriction on things they could experience together, and it felt freeing to get to see their so very different sides now. When they weren’t only cooing at his pictures sent to Taeyong or coming over for a meal and a day at the beach in summer.

And amidst that all was Renjun with his sweetly crinkling eyes as he laughed, one cute dimple making its appearance. Before, Jeno had thought Jaehyun’s smile and dimples were quite handsome, basically had that thought brainwashed into his mind. Different to just one, because it was always interesting to look for it, to see the difference in Renjun’s cheeks bunching up in glee depending on what side was turned to him.

The other boy must have said something snarky again, because Doyoung threw him an exasperated look on his way out of the kitchen. “You really shouldn’t be to your elders like that, Renjun. There’s something called respect.”

“Respect for that?” Renjun asked and gestured with a hand towards Johnny, currently busy wailing after his missed shot because his drunk aim was horrible. It was a movement that was impressively fluid, and vaguely Jeno remembered the others having mentioned something about dance before. If even a little sign was looking like that, Renjun sure had to be one great dancer.

“Don’t call me ‘that’,” Johnny whined, like an overgrown puppy. A giveaway of his guaranteed gone state. Albeit not in terms of sickness, the American’s hangover the next day would consist of one horrible headache and dizziness Jeno wouldn’t want to wish upon anyone. He had seen one too many of those, and usually it had ended with him standing in the kitchen in the morning and following his mother’s fire safe recipe of fried eyes and eggs just so the two would have something to feed on after waking up.

At least Taeyong wouldn’t have a hangover the next morning but he’d be behaving like at night when drunk, wobbly on his feet and at a high risk of running into door handles, mind a bit hazy and thoughts slow. It was something Jeno felt grateful for, this shared trait of theirs, of not suffering hangovers and his added muscles helped him burn off the alcohol faster. For a brief moment, he wondered what Renjun’s hangovers would be like.

But the boy seemed to be busier at the moment. “You totally crossed the line, John. Don’t even try to argue on that.” His brows furrowed slightly, and despite Johnny’s cute call of his name, Renjun remained stoic. “It’s not a valid point. Jaehyunie-hyung won’t have to drink.”

“Alright, children,” Doyoung was quick to intervene, followed by the wet plop of Jaehyun landing the ball for one last time in the remaining cup on Johnny’s half of the table. “Time to put the big one to bed.”

“I’m not a child! Renjun!” Johnny complained, which was a funny sight, considering that an above six feet tall guy was currently manhandled into the direction of his bedroom. The staggering feet and wonky balance only supported the demand for a good rest. “Won’t you speak up for me?”

“Mama told me not to lie, John,” Renjun shot back, even going as far as sticking his tongue out in denial. They exchanged another look, some unspoken words passing between them seemingly, and Johnny disappeared behind his bedroom door. 

A bit confused, Jeno’s eyes traced between the two of them, eventually distracted by Renjun’s movement of getting up to collect the few game tools. “You should get the baby home too, Jaehyunie-hyung,” he pointed out, and perhaps Jeno should feel insulted on behalf of his older brother but it was an unfortunate truth. 

The older already looked half asleep in Jaehyun’s embrace, and the athlete easily caught Jeno’s eyes. “I’ll call for a taxi. Should we drop you off on the way?”

“Can’t I just stay-” Jeno barely started when, from the corner of his eyes, he saw Renjun’s disapproving look.

“One drunk idiot is enough,” the petite one declared, seemingly at odds with the situation. It wasn’t even his apartment, not something he should speak up about, especially when Jeno was certain Johnny wouldn’t mind in first place. It wasn’t even the first time Jeno would be taking care of a hungover Johnny.

“Renjun? Are you going?” Doyoung interrupted, ever good at sensing the atmosphere. A drunk Jeno was an impulsive Jeno and he had already been ready to pick a fight on that had it not been for the disturbance.

The boy only waved the cups in response and disappeared to the kitchen without further notice. Frustrating to Doyoung, it already offered a chance for Jaehyun, who repeated his question for the older this time.

“Sure,” the most sober one out of their bunch agreed to with a little scorn, eyes softening immediately when looking at Jeno. “Get dressed. There’s a cab rank around the corner.”

It seemed to be a discussion done just like that, a set outcome, but Jeno’s eyes still traced over to the kitchen Renjun had disappeared into. Definitely he was more intoxicated than the bit older but he was also certain he would be better of getting home, taking a cab or not. Even if someone wanted to pick a fight with him, he could still pack enough of a punch to prevent anything more from happening. But fragile looking Renjun must be an easy prey, and leaving him alone when also not sober seemed like a bad idea.

“Don’t worry about him,” Jaehyun smiled it off, as if he had read Jeno’s thoughts. Maybe he had, since they were supposedly so similar. “He doesn’t have far.” The words were spoken into existence with a wink Jeno couldn’t comprehend.

It wasn’t reassuring at all, not entirely, but if no one else seemed to worry, he didn’t want to be the one to cause a scene over who was basically a stranger to him. Their added words also had been like a call for exhaustion slowly washing over him, along with a jitter of nerves. Tomorrow would be his last free day, and on Monday his classes would pick up already. A thought he quickly buried beneath his alcoholic influence again.

“We’ll leave then, Renjun,” Doyoung called out, speaking on their all behalf. Jaehyun was too busy maneuvering Taeyong around anyways.

“Then leave faster!” The boy shouted back from the kitchen, a tad louder than necessary and in a tone that had irritation radiating from the older for a moment. Jeno actually wondered how Renjun was able to speak so carelessly with everyone older than him, seemingly not minding the boundaries, always toeing the line but never actually crossing it. It was a dangerous game but Jeno appreciated the guts behind it, the fluency it was executed with.

Such a striking difference to how he was treating all his hyungs, how they treated him. Because he was certain they babied him more than they looked after Renjun. Must have to do with not having been watched growing up by them all, and tainting the image they had of him. 

With a last memento of politeness, nearly drowned out by his thinking, Jeno stopped at the door when leaving and called a gentle, “Good night, Renjun!” 

When he received one in return, he couldn’t help but smile, and pulled the door close carefully.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


Whoever might think the first semester of attending university was easy was evidently wrong. Already now Jeno felt like he had too much on his hands but Taeyong blamed that on his habit of worrying about things too early and then being successful with them for exactly that reason. He just thought it ugly to have things laying around for too long. It was more exhausting to stress over it, lacking time.

Mostly, though, his studies consisted of reading through books and analyzing them, and currently to get an overview of the different types of literature throughout the different stages of their country. Since that involved books, he had made an easy home of the library only two months into his studies. Which he didn’t mind, it was a friendly space with comfortable seats that not only supported those wanting to study away but also those who only game for a good read.

The latter category Jeno belonged to, settled into a windowsill-turned-bench, sweater thrown across his lap in semblance of a blanket. With the heater radiating right beneath him, it wasn’t cold, only with the soft drizzle of rain a few inches to his side, outside, the mood just seemed to call for a blanket. Obviously, he hadn’t brought one along, so his sweater would need to make do. 

Concentration came easily like this, with the serene ambience and the tender mood, but it didn’t mean he was oblivious to the surrounding world. So when someone stopped next to him, and the thudding sound of a bag being dropped followed, he didn’t startled as much as some others would. Right there, next to him, stood Renjun, bright grin on his face.

“Johnny told me to find you here,” the older stated, as if that would explain it all, when only it solved the mystery of their staged encounter. Since the party they hadn’t seen each other, despite Jeno running into his older brother and his friends on the regular, even spending lunch together when possible, and Renjun, too, had a repeating topic of conversation. Just never been around to join in.

Now that Jeno was sober, and some time had passed between their last meeting, his eyes automatically traced over the other’s features, the slightly damp hair and how it curled upwards a bit, the gentle glow of healthy skin in the muted light, the slender shoulders and delicate build hidden by oversized clothes. Whenever Renjun had come in conversations, the memories had popped back into his mind, fresh and colorful like the night back then, but they did little to compare to the real thing. Renjun was way prettier standing in front of him.

“I know I’m pretty but you can stop staring now,” the boy called him out without shame, when shame was just what Jeno felt at these words. Heat crept up his cheeks and he quickly looked elsewhere, at his legs, stretched out across the bench, with his sneakers discarded on the ground. Quickly he angles his knees up to offer some space to sit.

A few seconds were all it took Renjun to take place, pulling a sketchbook from his bag to place across his lap, mirroring Jeno’s position and forcing his thinner legs between their match. “Aren’t you going to ask?” His iron gaze fell at Jeno’s face, and the younger gave in first again. “Why I’m here?”

This day, Renjun wore a pretty sweater. The jeans and unbuttoned dress shirt had previously made for a nice figure but they did little to add to the adorable effect of a too small boy in a too big sweater. It was simply cute. Especially the way the sleeves were pulled up to cover his palms.

But as he looked at it for some moments longer, he couldn’t help notice it looked familiar. It took a bit longer to process it and realize just why. “Funny,” he smiled instead of asking the question that had been requested, “I gifted Johnny-hyung a sweater just like that for Christmas.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” the Chinese immediately apologized. Confusingly so. Who would apologize for owning the same sweater? “I just pulled it out of Johnny’s closet in the morning. He mustn’t have seen which one it was.” Those who hadn’t bought it, apparently.

“Johnny’s closet?” Jeno repeated, again, feeling like there was something he didn’t really catch on to. It had been the same during the party, when he had been busy staring at Renjun’s dimple, when Jaehyun had winked at him, when Doyoung had looked at them funnily.

“I didn’t bring a jacket yesterday and he didn’t want me to catch a cold so…” Renjun shrugged it off, as if it were that easily resolved. To him, it must be, dainty fingers already flipping through the pages of his sketchbook.

To Jeno, it wasn’t. Like a puzzle missing a piece, the one right in the middle, he was sure there was something he was missing out on. He just couldn’t piece together what it was. 

When the silence between them settled like that, marred by Jeno’s confusion, it seemed Renjun finally caught on. Confusion first, then tension, pretty eyebrows pulling together and making the younger feel bad instantly. “You aren’t against this, are you? If it’s about the sweater, I’m sorry, but I already got enough shit for this from my friends so if you’re against Johnny and me dating, then I won’t even bother right now.”

Finally it was there. Golden piece, fitting right into the middle, making it a complete picture. Why Taeyong had specifically asked for Renjun the night of the party and did every shared lunch, why Johnny had seeked for so much attention from the younger and still was, replying to any message the moment he received it, why Jaehyun always teased Johnny with this special name on the tip of his tongue and why Doyoung kept giving them funny looks. It made sense, but silence must have, once more, been the wrong reaction.

A sudden movement startled Jeno out of his thoughts and with a little surprise he noticed Renjun being about to get up. In the spur of the moment, he locked one of the older’s feet down with his own, noticing the lack of warmth even through the cotton of socks, and looked at his opposite with widened eyes.

“No. No! I’m sorry. I just… didn’t realize…” His words trailed off and, with a bit of a delay, a sense of betrayal overcame him. Johnny hadn’t told him. No one had told him. His brother who always updated him about everything hadn’t informed him and neither had the person involved himself. None of them had mentioned it. Jeno wasn’t certain whether to feel like a fool for not having realized himself or to feel upset for them having hidden that from him.

Johnny had seen photos of him in diapers, had explained to him porn wasn’t actually a display of reality when Taeyong had been too shy to, had dragged him along to the gym one time and diligently kept up their exchange on workout routines. Johnny who knew him second best to his family but hadn’t shared such an important detail himself.

Renjun, too, must have felt awkward at this, for a flush rose high on his cheeks and he froze in position for a moment. “Oh… I thought Johnny would have-” He gestured with his hands again. It must be a habit. He had done the same during the party. Using his hands to speak.

“No, he… didn’t…” Jeno mumbled. It was awkward. Felt awkward. His gaze fell down to the book in his lap again, but this time for another reason. He felt Renjun relax on the other side of the windowsill, but not retreat his foot from beneath the weight that were Jeno’s. 

It was silent, again, and it was still as uncomfortable as the first time. Neither of them knew just what to talk about now that this topic had come up unexpectedly, and Jeno felt pulled into a swirl of feelings he couldn’t exactly name. To be more exact, he just didn’t want to.

Once more, it was upon Renjun to breach the silence for them. “Johnny talks about you a lot. I mean, he talks a lot about all his friends but since you weren’t around… You must be important to him. And he’s important to me. So if we could get along…”

Jeno made a startled noise, then realized just what kind of confession had just reached his ear. It was heartwarming, to know he was talked about like that, to get a confirmation of what he had already known. Johnny simply was like family. “No, I- I would like that too, yeah.” With his best efforts, he put a smile onto his face again, one that was quick to be mirrored by Renjun too. 

Renjun with his pretty eyes and cute dimple and rosy cheeks. Jeno could understand why Johnny would fall in love with someone like Renjun, the perfect image of youthful innocence, enchanting beauty, and sharpness in speech. 

“Perfect,” the older exclaimed quietly, orbs still sparkling like the night sky as their gazes remained locked for another moment. This time, it was Renjun to look away first, turning his attention to the sketchbook on his lap. The scratching sound of pencil against paper echoed lightly through the air, filling the empty spaces between raindrops hitting the window. It was an elegant sound, befitting the tender flicks of Renjun’s wrist.

Jeno definitely did get it. Johnny must be quite the lucky one. It didn’t eliminate the feeling of betrayal, but now Jeno found it easier to redirect his own gaze to the pages of his books to read. For a last second he wondered whether Johnny felt as comfortable with Renjun as he did right now.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


Jeno plopped into his bed back at home late at night. The heat was suffocating in his room, air stifling, even when he could feel his parents had tried their best to air the space out regularly, even dusted over every shelf and surface so it would be comfortable for their arrival. Despite that, their parents weren’t around at the time of their arrival, had booked a holiday in Jeju while missing out on the date of their return after summer courses. It had taken the brothers a good three days to talk their mother out of canceling everything.

But it smelled like home, like their mom’s favorite detergent and like their pets that still made home at their beds and just really comforting overall. He didn’t want to move for days and at least a few hours would be guaranteed, now that the sun was already approaching the horizon outside. Four weeks of no schoolwork, no studying, only playing games, ruining his sleeping schedule, spending time with his brother and friends, and having fun. It sounded perfect.

Likely he had dozed off slightly, a quick power nap prompted by getting pulled in by the accomplishment of having come home. It was easily interrupted by not only his brother calling for him from downstairs but also the weight that had settled in the curve of his back. “Bongsik… Get off.”

The hair flowing through the air tickled his nose already, need to sneeze increasing but also to get the weight pressing against his spine off. What had been a harmless sleeping position for them before seemed painful now that he hadn’t shared his bed for months. Or hardly shared. Renjun had needed to stay over twice when they had been cramming together for upcoming exams and it had been just too late. It must have been funny to Johnny, because Jeno would beer the American’s favorite beer that both boys had asked for his agreement on that matter.

Had Johnny not been okay with Renjun staying the night, Jeno would have always agreed to walking the other home, regardless of the time. Luckily, his boyfriend was easy-going enough, and Jeno wasn’t a stranger either. Which had done nothing to fight off the bad feeling in Jeno’s guts when he had woken up in the morning with Renjun snuggled into his side. A perfect fit. And his kind-of-brother’s boyfriend. He really shouldn’t have enjoyed that as much.

With a grunt, he pushed that thought aside and reached behind himself to pick Bongsik up, and nuzzled his nose into her fur. Not the best choice when it made his nose itch all the more and his skin tingle in distress but love requires sacrifice. She didn’t mind either, content in his arms as they made their way downstairs to where Ruby was already barking in excitement, wagging her tail around in glee. 

Taeyong had got her when he moved into his own apartment, something about his first step into independence being to look after another being. It was only their luck Ruby and Bongsik got along well, and later Seol and Nal too, or it would have been quite messy. It was just fine like this. Despite that meaning more animal hair floating around the air.

“Jeno!” Taeyong called once again, and based on the light emanating from the kitchen, the younger could guess where to find his brother. The older was busy stirring in some pots, phone tugged between ear and shoulder, and only taking it out when his attention shifted from the stove to his sibling. “Hold on, Johnny- Jeno, Johnny is coming here tomorrow, right?”

“You only reminded me three times today, Hyung,” Jeno joked lightly, fingers sorting through their first aid kitchen drawer to find his strip of medication, followed by a glass of water. “We’ll pick him up at three, right?”

“Yeah, well, Renjun kinda forgot to book his flight home and he’ll spend the holidays here now so are you upset if he comes along?” Taeyong asked, seemingly a bit nervous as that even, but to Jeno it was rather surprising.

“No,” he quipped, a bit surprised, eyes wide. “I mean, I can just take him along when I meet Jaemin and Hyuck then. Since you wanted to spend time with Johnny and all…”

“Oh! Yeah, no, I mean, great!” The older’s face brightened and the message was quickly relayed over the phone. Jeno just swallowed his pill, suddenly not sure what to think of Renjun being around in vacation too. Two weeks under the same roof. With Johnny. Right. 

His brother was still talking to said friend when Jeno interrupted, “They’ll take Johnny’s room together?”

Taeyong looked surprised for a moment, then nodded his head in agreement. It was actually just their guest room but considering Johnny had stayed there most often out of any possible guests, especially in the holidays now that his parents had moved back to America, it might as well be Johnny’s. They even had put a dresser for his things by now.

For a moment his brother put his hand above the speaker, and whispered, “Dinner is ready in five. Can you set the table?”

“Sure,” Jeno hummed, and put Bongsik on the cat stand first. He loved having her around - despite his nose running by now - but setting the table with his hands empty was definitely easier after all.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


“Yeah, yeah, he’s fine, you really don’t need to worry, hyung,” Jeno spoke into the telephone, pressed into his ear while he kept waiting for their order number with his other. Johnny, he realized, had always been a worrywart, checking in on him whenever he had been the baby tagging along on their outings and now on Renjun, too, who was stuck in an unfamiliar setting with unfamiliar people. 

Johnny said something that was drowned out by Jeno needing to pay the store clerk attention who asked him whether to put the shaved ice in a bag. Originally, he would have prefered to get them all soft ice cream but that would be tough to carry for four people. “Yeah, please. Can you also put the drinks in a holder?”

“Jeno!” Johnny laughed into the phone and with his eyes focused on the employee, the younger’s attention went back to the call. “I know you take care of him well and your friends are nice. But he’s also more fragile than he looks so, you know…”

Renjun. Fragile. He really was. It was one of the few curious things he had gotten to figure out during their times spend sitting in the library together or studying or just whenever their brother and boyfriend respectively had gone out but they hadn’t wanted to tag along and thus ended up together. Renjun was stronger than he looked, had easily carried Taeyong piggyback before. But his insides were tender, he would cry while watching The Lady and the Tramp and feel with Joseon war horses in movies. 

“You just want him to be comfortable,” Jeno said in his stead, voice soothing. Johnny was just the same, looking all big and macho on the outside but he’d throw himself under a bus to save a kitten. Only Renjun was the kitten at the moment. But Johnny also wouldn’t want to make Renjun uncomfortable or force his boyfriend into feeling obligated to enjoy everything. Thus: Call Jeno. “And I can assure you, he’s perfectly fine. He was busy drowning Hyuckie when I left and I think Jaemin is about to eat him up.”

“Jeno-” Johnny warned, much to the younger’s amusement. Jaemin was as straight as the plummet down a skyscraper but with a boyfriend that pretty, it was no wonder possessiveness would come up. Jeno did get that, too. He generally got why and how Johnny thought in regards of Renjun and their relationship. It just was easy to see.

“Relax, hyung, it’s really all good,” the younger promised once again. A sigh of relief escaped him when he hit the beach, feeling the warmed up sand beneath his feet. It was a bit of a hassle to move out of his slippers and get a hold of them with the same hand he held the phone but walking on the sand with shoes was more uncomfortable. “He’s having fun. Has he ever complained about being with me before?”

The silence said more than words could, the quiet acknowledgement that Jeno and Renjun did get along well. It played out in their all favor when they were in university, when the two teens could discuss the struggles of just having entered university while Jaehyun and Sicheng whined about their bachelor thesis and Yuta, Taeyong and Johnny did the same with their master’s. It was easier than Jeno being on his own in their circle, and it was much easier than Renjun being alone, who would be even more an outsider than Taeyong’s baby brother.

“If something comes up, I’ll call you. And you can get a picture of it all when we have the barbecue the day after tomorrow. It’s really all good.” Even through the phone line Jeno could feel the older juggle wanting to let loose and having to worry more. In the distance, he could spot their seat, Jaemin keeping watch of their belongings and spotting him faster than Renjun and Donghyuck still playing in the water. “Hyung, I’m back with the boys now so I’ll have to hang up or our ice will be soup.”

“Just go have fun!” Taeyong yelled through the phone, and there was some noise before the line cut off. Must have been his brother wrestling for the phone and giving Johnny a lecture about boyfriend culture or something. Well, not Jeno’s problem.

“Who was that?” Jaemin asked once he arrived, and before Jeno had as much as put down the bags, they were already in the younger’s evil clutches, checking every order stamp to find the ones without milk and choose between them.

“Johnny-hyung,” Jeno answered while struggling with taking off his shirt. “Jasmine tea is for Jun so keep your fingers off that.”

He knew Jaemin would want to protest, but before he could, he was already jogging down to the waterline to call for the missing two. Jaemin surely wouldn’t, would much rather try all he could and then leave only a few spoonful for the others to enjoy. 

“Hyuckie, Renjun!” Slightly, Jeno rubbed across his chest bone, throat feeling dry from that bit of screaming already. It didn’t fit with him, quiet as a baby and quiet now, too, the rare times he had to yell was to commandeer someone over. Even then, he’d rather someone else does it. Once he had their attention, he couldn’t help but smile, none of them looking better than a poodle caught in the rain, hair dripping wet and sticking to their faces. “I scream.”

Donghyuck, unexpectedly, got the pun faster and the prospect of food would forever be a powerful one. Enough to even make that lazy kid take off on a dash back to the beach and their spot where Jaemin surely had opened every single cup of sweets already, to pick through them all. Which was less funny when he’d complain about a stomach ache later on.

Renjun, on the other hand, only got a few steps forward before his face twisted into a grimace and his leg buckled. Theoretically, Jeno knew cramps weren’t that bad in the shallow water, and Renjun would be the last to become whiny in the middle of the day. Unfortunately, he was weak towards puppy eyes - or the cat version of - which also explained why Nal fattened up whenever he was around. It was simply impossible. 

So when Renjun did them, and held his arms out demandingly, Jeno should have known better, because none of his plans had involved landing face first in the water thanks to his foot getting pulled out under him. In a case like that, at first glance it might seem like Jeno would be at an advantage, but after playing around with Donghyuck for a while, the smaller was definitely more familiar with all the tricks currently.

Usually, Jeno wasn’t hung up on losses, admittedly competitive for a win but he wasn’t normal a sore loser. Getting thrown around by someone much more scrawny than him would affect anyone’s pride, though, so when he got the chance to, he didn’t hesitate in wrapping his arms around Renjun to go for a dive together. 

Trapped within Jeno’s arms still, the Chinese had little room to move and get a distance from both the waves continuously hitting his face and the caging grip. “Fucker, I’ll-”

“There are children around, Renjunnie,” the younger chided with a grin, easily catching the momentum of the smaller trying to elbow him to twirl the lighter body around and throw him over the shoulder. They were playing around for too long now and if they let this drag on for longer, their snacks would be history.

“Lee Jeno!” Renjun protested, slamming his hands down onto the taller’s shoulders from where he was hanging upside down. All he received in retaliation was a gentle pat to the butt. “Let me down! I’m not a bag of rice, let me dow- ow!”

“You wanted to be let down,” Jeno smiled, simply, as if he didn’t just dump the older like a bag of rice indeed, just putting him on the ground but the relatively free of sand area of their blankets spread out. It was funny to observe the agitation immediately seeping out when Jaemin handed the jasmine iced tea over, overtaken by surprise and then a content little smile.

“So are you Jeno’s new boyfriend or what?” Donghyuck interrupted, glee evidently written on his face at the idea of getting to embarrass his best friend. It also made this little squeeze return, the one that had Jeno’s heart aching and that he overlooked again and again. Might just have to check with his doc instead. “I mean, you do look better with Jeno than that girl he dated in second year. What was her name again?”

“He’s not…” He muttered a bit helpless, back of his neck burning in embarrassment, or the sun albeit it isn’t that strong that day. “I mean, he’s-” 

Renjun had already pushed him over before he so much as had finished his sentence. “Where’s my ice?” He asked, entirely neglecting Donghyuck’s prior statement, which was just weird overall. Any normal person should declare they are dating when they are dating but the Chinese only gave it a shrug. “Let him figure it out when he figures it out.”

“Figure what out?” Hyuck asked in confusion, and Donghyuck had never liked to be confused. Be it topics covered in class or basic gossip spread around their neighborhood, he would always be involved, and this time clearly was no excuse. “You took him along here! And you’re all chummy and he has hickeys all over his legs. Obviously the conclusion would be you’re-”

“He’s with Johnny,” Jaemin interrupted, with the most spitefully amused tone ever. Because he knew better than Donghyuck, which would be a glorious victory to about anyone. All the more so when it got their local chattermouth to shut up in surprise and shooting them a surprised look.

“So you’re not…?” A golden hand gestured between the two accused boys with different reactions coming out of it. Renjun cruelly ignored him in favor of getting his hands on his cup of shaved ice, Jeno just shook his head in denial.

“Be quiet,” Jaemin interrupted, placing his hand on Donghyuck’s mouth but pulled it back right the next second, face in disgust. Their golden body definitely wasn’t above licking salty palms, something Jaemin should’ve learned throughout the years. “I’m really curious as to how you and Johnny met, though.”

Based on Renjun’s gaze, he had very well understood the question, only chosen in the whim of the moment to not immediately indulge it. His spoon scraped across the ice flakes, picking away at the fruit and nuts to free first. Curiosity killed the cat, and in a game of patience Jaemin would always lose. But Jeno also realized he had never asked that question either. To him, they had just been a couple and that had been it, no need to question it or pry into their relationship. Jaemin had always been shameless like that.

“We hooked up,” the one in question finally answered, and Jeno nearly choked on his lemonade. That was not part of any story he had heard before. Not like he had heard many stories before. “But turns out my cousin’s roommate knew Johnny so when Ten caught wind of that, he gave Johnny shit for going for me. I mean, that played out in my favor since hyung forgot his wallet at my place, too, so after he treated me to coffee we just… I don’t know, it just felt right.”

Funnily enough, from Jeno’s observation, Renjun had way less problems with talking about having had a one-night-stand than being in love. It was cute. Endearing. He pushed the thought aside, like anything related to Renjun, in favor of another thought that came to his mind. “So Ten-hyung and Johnny-hyung…”

The pained smile was enough of an answer. It reminded him also of what Renjun had said that day in the library, about his own friends having thought little of their relationship. Exactly the people he must have come to for advice and to share his joy had been the ones rejecting his happiness. A difficult situation, and one Jeno wouldn’t want Renjun to go through again, not with his own friends, not during their holidays, not at such a nice day at the beach. Reassuringly, he put his hand on Renjun’s thigh, giving it a little squeeze. His fingers easily engulfed the flesh, looking big on the sandy skin. Just another reminder that Renjun was more delicate than he seemed.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


The doorbell ringing flooded Jeno with relief albeit not Jaemin. From how he was perched on the staircase, his best friend must have easily caught sight of him, of the distress in his face and the confusion, and Jaemin was someone he would eternally be grateful for because Jaemin didn’t ask. The younger just grabbed his hand and pulled him along to the outside and where their bikes were chained to their building’s garden gate. No word to Taeyong but with the mention of his best friend coming by, that might be self-explanatory.

Focusing on traffic and on keeping up with Jaemin was a nice distraction, the route familiar and he could have easily overtaken the younger by now, when he already could guess their destination or alter it, but he didn’t want to. His feelings were confusing and he’d much rather someone guide him through them. 

He had never liked things he couldn’t explain. One of the reasons maths had been such a difficulty to him, a tiring process of working through numbers and signs that told no story. Art was nice, when it told a story, when it expressed a scene. Things on the outside were always easier to understand, some more, some less. Easier than his own spiraling thoughts that always seemed to find the same end again. Like a cone that would eventually slim down to a single point.

It was like arriving at their spot, or the place Jaemin and him had dubbed at such. At the end of a pier that had previously been used by fishermen but nowadays was mostly left alone since big companies had bought the water rights around the area. A desolate little place where they could park their bikes without needing the chains because only old people lived in this part of town, and where they could hang their legs without fearing the big waves caused by ships leaving. Pretty during daytime and even prettier with the sun setting in the distance as it was right now.

“Is it your aunt?” Jaemin asked, first of all, because their father’s sister had fallen sick a while ago. Not a curable disease, it had hit him harder because she had watched over them as kids sometimes. But it wasn’t related to her this time, so he could only shake his head in denial. 

With a groan he bent forward, hiding his head between his legs. The images were right there again, trapped in his mind and he couldn’t push them away like usual. The little whines and caught gasps echoed in his ears still, no wave loud enough to drown them out. 

Jaemin let him take his time, hand soothingly rubbing along his spine, working at the little spots there. Jaemin, even more so than Hyuck, had always been affectionate, not minding physical touch, and it had taken Jeno a long time to get used to. Nowadays, when he didn’t feel right about opening up immediately, he appreciated it. The silent comfort, familiar touch, the reassurance that Jaemin wouldn’t just leave when he needed some time.

“I saw them, Nana,” he eventually said. He pulled his feet up, heels against the edge of the pier, and turned his head to look at his best friend. “Renjun and Johnny. And… it just… I don’t know.” He groaned in annoyance. Something told him he did know, that it was related to all he had pushed away throughout the recent months, but he brushed it off once again.

Heavens forbid, it hadn’t been the first time he had stumbled into people being together in bed. In fact, he had even run into Johnny before, with his own brother. Back when neither of them had been sure of their sexual orientation and had no one else to confide in. So running into his brother sucking off his kind-of-brother was not exactly something he would recommend but it had taken a lot of awkwardness out of their relationship.

Taeyong had gone through a lot of experiences that later had meant Jeno didn’t need to. Taeyong had been first to come out to their parents, so Jeno knew nothing bad would await him when he confessed, too. Taeyong, who had told him about all the things he’d need to be careful of with his partners, because he hadn’t been always that lucky. Taeyong who hadn’t even blinked his eyes when Jeno had caught him bent over the couch last summer with a very embarrassed Jaehyun behind him. He had just blinked, said his greetings, and disappeared to his room. That’s how it had always been whenever he ran into someone being occupied, it was a matter of nonchalance, be it with his roommate in the dorm Yangyang or his own brother.

Only today had been different. When Taeyong had sent him a message to ask Johnny about cinema because the other would have surely forgotten to charge his phone once again. Turned out the reason Johnny hadn’t replied had been a vastly different one.

They had been too caught up to notice Jeno opening the door but it had been impossible for him to miss out on what was going on. The bedcovers pooled around Renjun’s hips weren’t enough to hide the fact he was naked, the gentle rocking he did in Johnny’s lap, spine beautifully arched and head fallen back. Little whines sounding like music, the way his breath hitched whenever Johnny must have bitten down on his collarbones or something else that had been hidden from his immediate sight. The violent shudders that wrecked his body whenever Johnny thrust upwards, jostling Renjun’s slighter form.

Jeno hadn’t even been sure how long he had just stood and watched, feeling like a pervert with his feet frozen in place. Eventually, it had been Johnny tightening his arm around Renjun’s tiny waist to change their position that had jerked him out of his trance. Even the few steps to the staircase had been enough to tire him out, and through the open the door, the sounds had still reached his ears. How they picked up, Renjun becoming more and more whiny, louder, needier-

It was a futile attempt to block the noises out, by covering his ears, when he was also at the border of the sea and the idea of jumping into the water suddenly seemed quite appealing. Throughout all that, Jaemin was still there, just rubbing his back and kneading the tension out of his neck. The sun was dipping towards the horizon and Jeno’s heartbeat finally calming down a bit.

“What did you think at that moment?” Not really the question he had expected but as he looked at Jaemin, he realized the younger had a hidden motive in asking this. Like a realization only he hadn’t had so far, something his best friend had recognized even before him. It didn’t sound too unlikely, after all, Jaemin had always understood him better than anyone else.

“That he’s beautiful,” he whispered, silently. It was an embarrassing confession but one he knew Jaemin wouldn’t judge him for. Lollipop handle straight Jaemin who hadn’t blinked twice at seeing the tabs of gay porn open on Jeno’s laptop during Christmas but had only patted his shoulder and apologized for letting him think he’d have to hide this part of himself. Always understanding, always reliable.

“That I want to see his face better. Touch him. Make him react and sound like this.” He sighed, buried his face between his knees again. “I’m a pervert…”

He had wondered whether Renjun would look the same in his lap. So needy, so desperate for more, with this beautiful curve and tiny waist. Whether Jeno’s hand could encircle it as easily as he had always thought. Whether touching his thighs like that day at the beach would draw a reaction from him this time. Whether Renjun would look as tiny in his arms as he did in Johnny’s. Whether they would cuddle after this like he and Jeno would whenever Renjun stayed the night at his.

“You’re not,” Jaemin muttered, fingers squeezing like around his nape. “You have just seen the person you like at his most vulnerable and at the same time most beautiful state at once. Anyone would be surprised. Anyone would be aching when it’s not with them.”

“I don’t like him, though,” Jeno mumbled, quickly noting the error in those words, “not like this, at least.” What kind of person would he even be, falling for the boyfriend of the guy who was basically a second brother to him?

“Jeno…” And, oh-oh. He knew that tone of voice. The kind that never brought anything bad news. “You look at him like a figurine of glasses, you look after him and care for him. I mean, I can’t remember the last time you wanted to share your meat with me, even.” Typical Jaemin to get upset at even a moment like this, it had Jeno involuntarily grinning into his arms. “You let him win in games and you never let anyone win in games. And whenever he’s with Johnny you get this expression. There, just this one! Like when Hyuck steals Seol from you whenever he comes over!”

Lightly, the older frowned. “Renjun isn’t a cat…” Yet he couldn’t deny the other statement, not when he didn’t know his own expression at that time. All he knew was that more and more often, he wondered whether Renjun would look as tiny next to him, scrawny and slender with growing up being an unfinished process yet. Body not fully developed in their teenage years, he looked particularly tender next to Johnny. Then again, Jeno too did kind of look that way, so he brushed the thought aside again. No way would Renjun look like that next to him. 

“You just haven’t been in love before, Jeno. All you did before was crush on Han Jisung and you never even talked that guy. Renjun is someone you got to know first and now you just don’t know what to do. But, Jeno, think of it - do you really treat him like the rest of us?”

Like a wave yearning to swallow him down, all the impressions of the previous months settled over him. Renjun’s cold feet and how he covered them with his own at the library. Renjun’s preference for fuzzy socks so he kept some at his own dorm. Renjun cuddling up to him underneath his umbrella when a surprise storm hit them recently. Renjun sinking into him while studying together. Renjun pressed into his side the morning after. Renjun curling up in his lap during movies and then complaining about their skin being sticky from the heat. Renjun and his peculiar pancakes order. Renjun and-

Roughly, he shook his head, trying to get rid of the images in his mind. He didn’t want to think about that right now. In his pocket, his phone vibrated, and when he checked, it was a message from Renjun himself, asking about his plans since Taeyong and Johnny planned to go to the movies. Renjun who he wished would rely on him. 

Instead, he pocketed his phone and looked at his best friend again. “Can we get something to drink? And get our ears pierced or something?”

“Or something,” Jaemin agreed, and heaved himself up into a standing position first before aiding Jeno to get up as well. 

“And call Hyuck to keep Renjun company?”

“And call Hyuck to-” Jaemin broke off in the middle of the sentence but, one look at Jeno, and the younger easily melted inside over the request. This time, it was upon Jaemin to sigh, and head towards the bikes first. “I’ll call him. But that’s exactly what I was talking about, Nono. You don’t treat him like the rest of us…”

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


So, they had not gotten their ears pierced. Neither had his feelings faded away, unlike what Jaemin had promised him that summer night. Instead, he had dyed his hair with too strong bleach and much to his brother’s chagrin when seeing the messy dye job the next morning. On the brighter side, ever since then had Jeno taken it upon himself to touch up the color by himself, and sometimes it also backfired. Like that time the older had just reached into the shelf and pulled out a bottle according to its color, resulting in Jeno sporting blue hair for a month rather than getting the silver treatment they had wanted. 

All things concluded, his hair was as healthy as it could be and his heart was still aching whenever Renjun was around. It was bearable at days when they were alone, when he could just indulge their little habits like playing footsie while occupying their windowsill bench in the library, something he did with Jaemin too. Only Jaemin didn’t make his heart race. Or their study dates that sometimes revolved around the same things like learning the right method of quotation for assignments, only their topics were vastly different. Or when they were left out by the older part of their group and enjoyed movies together instead.

Jaemin called it an unhealthy habit to spend time with someone he could never have, Johnny called it brotherhood, and Jeno simply called it friendship. Screw one-sided pining.

Now, these were good things about his situation. Bad things, though, included going to his brother for a root touch up and ending up in a club instead, with about three drinks at once shoved into his face because Taeyong was already too drunk to care and Jaehyun and Johnny had fun in simply getting others drunk. Which, in itself, wasn’t bad. Only Renjun had come along, and Jeno could honestly not remember whether he had come along because someone mentioned Renjun or Renjun had come along because their Plan B of a movie night had been cancelled by Jeno coming along.

Fact was, Renjun was there. With Johnny. On the dance floor. And Jeno was once again reminded of all the things he wanted but could not have. Should not want to have. Because loving Renjun and wanting to be with Renjun meant wishing for their break-up and he didn’t want Johnny to go through that on his behalf. He’d just… silently suffer. And drink.

Fuck, when had he gone from crushing on Renjun to loving him?

If only Jaemin was here tonight to call him out for his bullshit and his stupid thoughts and stupid cravings. Except Jaemin would not do any of that and just pat his back and that was already all Jeno wanted. He already considered calling his best friend for just that reason - inevitably getting Hyuck on the line too to cheer him up more - when Jaehyun lightly tugged at his ear before screaming, because whispering didn’t work in a club, “Come outside with me?”

It was better than watching Johnny and Renjun together, Jeno figured, when the younger started grinding against his boyfriend, Johnny’s hands easily covering most of Renjun’s hips, pulling him close, thigh wrenched between those slender legs and-

“Yeah, let’s go,” he mumbled, words hardly audible over the music but actions spoke louder anyways. The way he slid off his chair and headed for the exit was a dead giveaway. For tonight, he had enough of torturing himself but pulling away on his own would have been a matter of impossibility, and he was certain his mind would still fill in all the gaps of what he couldn’t see now later on. He didn’t want any of them, and he sure as hell hadn’t asked for them either.

The chilly winter air hit his face like walking into a wall, cleared his mind and allowed him to leave his thoughts of Johnny and Renjun and Johnny with Renjun behind in the club behind them. He had known there was a reason he didn’t like them, aside from the loud music, disturbing lights, and overpriced drinks he didn’t even pay for. 

Jaehyun arrived a second after him, easily choosing a spot a bit down the door and leaning against the wall. How exactly the older didn’t freeze in this kind of weather with only a shirt on would remain a mystery to Jeno he didn’t question, much less when Jaehyun pulled out a little paper box and a lighter.

“Hyung,” the blond asked, taking place next to the older but sliding down the wall until he was crouched on the floor, balance kept with ease thanks to the building at his back, “Since when do you smoke?”

“Always in exam season. Taeyongie-hyung would have my ass if he caught me here with you, though, so better keep quiet.” A little click, a deep breath, and as Jeno looked up, it wasn’t only the warmth of breathing that formed clouds in the air. When Jaehyun caught his look, and held the open package in his direction, Jeno knew it was a stupid idea. But nothing was more stupid than falling for someone else’s boyfriend, so trying to smoke suddenly seemed reasonable to intoxicated him.

It took him a few moments to figure out how it worked and, against his expectations, it didn’t even make him cough much. Either movies lied or, “You’re a natural!” At least Jeno knew that was not something Jaehyun should compliment him for.

He was halfway through the cancer stick when Jaehyun finally spoke up, and thus answered the question as to why exactly they were out here now, “I’m not gonna pry or anything, that’s your brother’s job, but if you have anything you want to talk about, you can always come to me, Jeno, you know? I mean, I can’t tell for sure but I guess you can’t talk about everything with Taeyong so if you never need me…” 

Throughout his few words, Jaehyun had slid down the wall, too, allowing Jeno to meet the older on eye level. Apparently, he was not obvious enough for others to catch on to his thoughts but still too obvious to make it seem like nothing was keeping him up at night. Be it the longing to just hold Renjun in his arms, or to inhale the subtle scent of vanilla and tea, or the kind of thoughts after which he wished the bleach would reach deeper than his scalp. He was glad, because he wasn’t yet causing any problems. And he felt grateful, for Jaehyun to come to him like this.

“It’ll pass, hyungie,” Jeno mumbled, because that’s what Jaemin had promised him, too. With a sigh, he let his head drop to the side, against the older’s shoulder, and asked, “Just… can we stay like this a bit longer?”

The gentle ruffle of his hair was enough of an agreement, and his hair felt scratchy even to him who wasn’t touching it. He should really stop dying it if it kept on like this, but with every time of applying bleach to the roots, he hoped he would come out as a different person, that the little outwards change would affect his insides too, and he wouldn’t feel like a lousy friend. Surprise: it did not.

When Jaehyun offered him a cigarette for the second time, he didn’t hesitate this time around. Only accepted the lighter and breathed in the smoke that was still warmer than the air surrounding them.

  


  


When they came back inside, most of their group had already settled back at the table, with the exception of Taeyong on the dance floor and Doyoung having gone to get new drinks. The three of them arrived around the same time, and Jeno barely managed to thank the older when a quite evidently drunk Renjun flung himself into his embrace. Anyone else might have made them stumble but Renjun was light as a feather, easy to be held, easily fitting into his arms.

The older nuzzled into his neck and Jeno couldn’t help but shoot a panicked look at Johnny. Be it because he didn’t know whether to handle a drunk Renjun or because said drunk Renjun might be misunderstood as trying to flirt with him. Or, worse, Jeno trying to flirt with Renjun. He didn’t want a moment like this to taint their friendship, didn’t want to get caught so cruelly, but looking after Johnny got him nothing but a shrug of the shoulders. “He missed you.”

“Had enough of them old geezers,” Renjun agreed, calling for more than just one yell of protest from their group. It was easily ignored by the boy who only pressed closer and stated, quiet enough for no one to hear, “You smell of cigarettes…”

“Yeah, I- I just tried one, and-” He sighed. Why was he even justifying himself? He had no reason to, Renjun wasn’t family, wasn’t his boyfriend, yet his traitorous heart kept calling for him to please Renjun, to appeal to him, make himself look good. A fruitless attempt, logic might counter.

“Don’t make it a habit, Nono.” Which was, just, not fair. No one but Jaemin called him that way, and when Donghyuck had tried once, the youngest might as well have torn him to shreds. But Renjun just had and it had made Jeno’s heart stumble and trip and fall off a cliff, right into his own emotional doom. This was not something he could deal with.

Renjun moved in his embrace, pulled back, and unwillingly, Jeno had to let go. Renjun was not his to keep, someone he had to go back to his boyfriend, and a lesser him would have started a fight for that. Good thing they had left the brutal era of instincts and fights. He surely wouldn’t have been able to beat Johnny in a match. 

Rather, he could do little more than empty his drink and declare his leave, putting winter classes as an excuse when it was just a lie. They bought it, because Jeno liked to be ahead of his studies, hated to have them piling up and if only so he could keep gaming without any stress nor worries. He shot Taeyong a text rather than squeezing into the people on the dance floor. And he bought a pack of cigarettes on his way home. Guts told him he might make it a habit after all.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


The new semester started on somewhat of an upbeat. Taeyong’s roommate had moved out so Jeno, after insistently promising Yangyang they could still meet up, had moved in. It was a nice apartment, and already before he had made a second home of it. Under normal circumstances, they wouldn’t be able to pay for it but it was easier with their parents’ support. Still, Jeno had to promise to take on a job to his brother to pay a bit more for groceries because now he wouldn’t have to live off instant ramyun and the likes anymore.

Winter’s breath was still blowing down onto the city and yet it wasn’t enough to keep Jeno away from their little balcony and his bad habits. His brother had given him the stinky eye, Renjun had given him the stinky eye, Jaehyun had patted his shoulders and recommended not to buy more than a package in a month, and then he had been banished onto the balcony.

It was a welcome escape because moving in with Taeyong had also meant there was a lot more of Johnny to see. And Renjun. Especially Johnny and Renjun together. Being brothers and being best friends with a couple had one or another downside after all. Witnessing too much PDA was a given but having his heart broken again and again was just painful. 

The windows reflected the sunset from the outside. They did not hide the sight of Renjun being perched on Johnny’s lap, sitting sideways to get a better view of Taeyong. Every once in a while, and that was increasing his pain, the other kept looking for him. Naturally it must be because Renjun wanted a partner in conversation of his own, no matter how well he got along with everyone, and partly it might be because his friend hadn’t agreed with his buying cigarettes since day one.

Mentally he forced himself to look away, down at the little park in front of their entrance, where children were playing around despite the cold. They looked like little colorful marshmallows from above, stuffed into their padded jackets, fluffy and squishy. It was cute. Jeno kind of envied them. At that age, the most of his worries had been whether Taeyong had saved up a piece of chocolate for him like he would every other day too. 

At that time, he didn’t need to worry about love, about his feelings, about job applications and university work. He didn’t need to feel torn between wanting Renjun to be happy, and if Johnny made him happy, to be with Johnny, or whether he wanted to have Renjun to himself. But if they broke up because of him, he doubted he’d be entirely happy himself, knowing he had stolen from someone who had watched him grow up without remorse.

With a little huff, he stubbed out his cigarette and went back inside. Warmth immediately engulfed him, more comfortable than the cold when one wore only a sweater. He directed an apologizing smile at his brother and headed off to the kitchen to wash his hands. One part of their deal had included this, that Taeyong wouldn’t rat him out to their parents just yet but he had to make sure there were no traces around. Cigarette butts had to be disposed of appropriately, he shouldn’t smoke inside, and so on. They were reasonable arguments, so Jeno hadn’t dared to protest. 

His phone, lying on the counter, was alight, a dozen messages from their shared group chat. Jeno didn’t even need to check to know at least half of them were from Jaemin, whining about missing him and complaining how four weeks were too little time to make up for five months of hardly seeing each other. 

“Anyone else might think ‘Nana heart’ might refer to your girlfriend, Jeno,” Renjun teased. An awful dejavu of their first night when they had talked in the kitchen, too. Little more than a year had passed since then, and if Jeno had to sum it up, he would call it heart warming and confusing at once. There had been a lot of firsts, of first parties and first exams, of first theses and first smokes. Mostly, though, of first falling in love. 

“He lives through the attention we give him,” Jeno simply brushed it off. He wasn’t against paying Jaemin all the attention he wanted, in return, Jaemin would always make time for him, too. It seemed even. And it was mostly entertaining anyways, to see the younger acting all cute to get whatever he’d want. 

“So no girlfriend? No secrets you’re hiding from me? Some hidden lover?” Renjun joked and heaved his weight onto the kitchen counter. By no means could it be comfortable, with the cupboards pressing into his neck, but he made do.

Jeno, on the other hand, lightly froze in his position. Was mentioning that his heart was lost for the boy a few feet down a bad idea? Definitely. He couldn’t admit to that but neither could he lie. Even if he were a better liar than he actually was, Renjun had always looked through his excuses anyways. “Secrets are called secrets for a reason, Renjunnie.”

“So you are hiding something from me,” the older singsang, just in time with another vibration of his phone. It must have caught the boy’s attention, considering the next question, “Does Jaemin know?”

“He has a habit of running into my secrets so, yeah,” Jeno answered. He really didn’t want to have this kind of talk. No matter how many layers a Russian doll had, eventually there would be one last piece, and being interviewed by Renjun was like being taken apart like one. With every question he couldn’t answer to but neither lie to, he was giving a bit of himself a way, until eventually only this big piece of his feelings for Renjun was left over and he’d have to bare himself. Stripping naked right at this moment sounded more appealing than undressing his heart at once.

“Jeno, can- oh, sorry,” Taeyong muttered when seeing them in the kitchen, caught up in their conversation. Jeno only raised his eyebrows at his older brother, prompting him to go on. “Johnny and Renjun would stay for dinner so can you get some stuff from the groceries?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said, a bit startled. It had never been a problem if these two stayed for dinner but considering weekends weren’t their prefered shopping days, Jeno could understand the sudden question. In fact, no day was Taeyong’s favorite shopping day, now that he had finished his master and picked up work instead. Their new routine involved Taeyong sending him a grocery list about once a week and he’d buy them on his way home, instead.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see Renjun get himself ready to accompany him, but before he could, Jeno reached for his phone. “I wanted to call Jaemin anyways. Shoot me a message of what we need?”

“Yeah, sure,” the older mimicked him, even adding in the surprised tone. All it got them were a few minutes of roughhousing as Jeno attempted to choke his brother who called for a peace treaty in glee. Like this, it was easy to forget about all his stress, reminding only the easier days of having played David versus Goliath with his brother as kids.

“Sorry, kid,” Johnny called from the couch, an apologizing smile on his lips in regards to having to go out shopping. “I tried to stop him but-”

“We all know how hyung is,” Jeno agreed with a smile and waved it off. He also pretended not to have heard Johnny telling him to take money from his wallet for the groceries because, even if it was Johnny and Johnny was currently working, too, he was still a guest. It would make Jeno uncomfortable, not to mention the impending scoldings he’d get from Taeyong for having someone else pay. Better not risk it.

“Jeno-” He heard Renjun softly call out for him once more, surely to ask whether he didn’t want company after all, but the blond closed the door before that could happen. If he heard the question aimed at him directly, he might actually give in and with his today’s mood, he really didn’t feel like it. 

For a second he just stopped, and breathed. The ringing echoed through his ears seconds later and by the time he had left the elevator, Jaemin was on the line. With his best friend’s soothing voice in his ear, whining about all the work studying physiotherapy included, it was easy to forget about his own worries. Melting away like ice cream in summer. Sometimes Hyuck yelled something into the phone, over the clicking of gaming hardware in the back. 

Just like last week, when they had camped for their last days of vacation in Hyuck’s room, Jeno with his laptop in his bag just so they could game together, while Jaemin had sat down on the bed and flipped through gossip magazines. Sometimes he would make fun of them, sometimes Hyuck would switch with Jaemin. Jeno definitely didn’t, after Jaemin had once gotten him a warning from the game. And ruined his ranked status.

He forgot all about it until he was standing in front of the tea shelves, Jaemin’s voice still in his ear, and his eyes locked on the package of jasmine tea he had already grown familiar with. The one he kept at home had only three more sachets inside, so he should probably get some more and, “Jeno! Hello? Are you thinking of Renjun again? Because then I’ll hang up right now and-”

“I’m nearly out of his tea,” he interrupted, as if that would explain everything. He hadn’t even bought what Taeyong had told him to but he had stopped in front of the tea shelf. Jaemin calling him a dumbass in love was most definitely justified. 

His best friend released a low sigh at that. “Just get the tea, Jeno… But for your own sake, you should try to get your feelings under control. Get out there, have fun, enjoy life! Don’t go pining for your brother’s boyfriend any longer. It’s already been nearly a year.”

And they won’t break up, is what Jaemin didn’t say out loud. It wasn’t necessary because Jeno was aware of that. 

“I wish I could,” he answered, honestly. Because Johnny was Taeyong’s best friend and Renjun was his closest friend in university. If only circumstances were a bit different, if he didn’t have to be confronted with their relationship once a week at least, he thought it might be easier to bear. As it was now, it was just a constant reminder of what couldn’t be.

“I wish you could too,” Jaemin sighed, and the empathy with which he said it hurt. Actually hurt. “You deserve someone loving you too, Jeno. Don’t drag this out for longer than you should.”

If only it was as easy as that...

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


He had chosen to go home for his birthday. Jaehyun and Doyoung would have definitely loved to throw him a party similar to the one Johnny had organized for Renjun but there was only so much of a drunk Renjun with a drunk Johnny dancing in a club he could take. It had torn at his nerves, chipped down his patience, and that night he had found himself smoking more than he had ever before. The next morning, with his mouth feeling stale and throat parched, he had regretted it. But the memories of Renjun swinging his hips seductively had lasted for weeks.

So he told Taeyong. And Taeyong told the others and fortunately, there had been a conflict in schedules. Jaehyun and Doyoung had joined them for lunch before he’d take a train in the afternoon, and Jaemin and Hyuck had sent him pictures from the train station. It was nicer like that.

A bar at the piers had an event scheduled for that weekend, so the three of them used it as an excuse in lieu of throwing a party of their own. In first place, he had wanted little more than get away from home for a bit, see his best friends again, and have a good time with them. The fact he got an opportunity to forget about Renjun was only the cherry on top.

He recognized Yeeun as the girl who had served them coffee during their study dates in the dainty store near school. In her little heels, she was about as tall as Renjun, her waist quite as slender, her lips a bit more slick from gloss than the boy’s would be, and yet it was all Jeno could think about. His mind easily covered the image of her face with Renjun’s, with the flush he got whenever he was tipsy or flirting, the glassy look people got when aroused just like Renjun would have it at that time. 

To his delusional mind, it was too easy, fill in all the gaps of knowledge with imagination, combine them with the little signals she gave him from where she was leaning into his embrace. It felt wrong, horribly wrong, the way he knew it was Yeeun gasping but in his ears, all he could hear was Renjun’s breathy whines. He was aware it wasn’t fair, not to her, not to Renjun, not to his own traitorous heart. Yet he didn’t stop.

Whether to blame it on the alcohol or his cravings he had stuffed down deep into the bucket of feelings that was his heart, he didn’t know. Gender made little of a difference when his heart craved just one person, so when he spent the night with her, with only images of Renjun haunting him, it was all he could do not to oust himself my saying the wrong name. In the morning, he left before Yeeun was up, and although he felt it was a tacky move, he did at least write her a message. Thanking her for celebrating his birthday with him and apologizing for having to leave first seemed like a scene from a bad rom-com. Unfortunately, his whole life seemed to be one.

When he returned to his shared apartment Sunday night, he felt worse for wear than before. His yearnings had reached a whole new level and Jaemin telling him he did well in his first step to get over Renjun made his heart feel like a bottomless pit. He didn’t actually have it in him to reject his best friend’s ideas, and just like that, he built a wall around his feelings he wouldn’t even allow Jaemin to breach.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


“Hey!” Renjun greeted, arm falling around Jeno’s shoulders, and it was suffocating in the summer heat. Their summer classes would come to an end soon, four weeks of cramming for courses done and finished. “Didn’t see you in a while, big one.”

Which, true, Renjun hadn’t. Not that Jeno had intentionally avoided him, although that played a bit into it but with the lesser times spent in summer courses, he had picked up more ships at the bookstore he worked at. Naturally, his free time had decreased and with the suffocating he’d, he much rather spent it in his room gaming then outside only to sweat-melt into a puddle.

“I was busy,” he smiled softly, adjusting his backpack strap on his free shoulder slightly. The sun burning on his skin was pleasing but the warmth emanating from Renjun was pure torture. Made him too aware of where exactly they were touching, how close they were, feeling the older’s slighter hips bump into his with every step. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize! We’ll spend the whole of next week together, you can make up for this plenty then and-”

“About that…” It wasn’t like Jeno to interrupt anyone, and Renjun must know because he immediately stopped in his tracks. That Renjun would stay at their place again, he had already known. One week at the Lee household. Two weeks in China. One week at Johnny’s. And then, snap, just like that, their summer vacation would be over. “I’ll be leaving for Canada this weekend.”

Renjun actually froze in place at that. It would be an admirable feat weren’t it lowkey concerning. Dropping such a bomb a few days in advance wasn’t fair, Jeno knew, but he had diligently postponed forwarding that information again and again. He had met up with Hyuck and Jaemin more often because they hadn’t picked any summer courses this semester, were already enjoying their holidays and preparing their studies. Sometimes they had met in Incheon, sometimes in Seoul. All because they had known he would spend the second half of summer abroad. They had. Renjun hadn’t.

“My cousin’s birthday is in two weeks and he invited us. And their university offers a summer program so…” Lightly, he shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t want to look like he was running away, like he was avoiding Renjun during the only time he had no excuse. Being with Renjun for an afternoon here, with the couple for a night there, that was bearable. One whole week spent with these two staying in the same house as he would seemed unbearable. No amount of Jaemin and Donghyuck could distract him from his heartache then, neither would he be able to hide his feelings entirely. These two knew him like the back of their hands.

Knowing Renjun would be alone at that time, stuck with Taeyong and Johnny and their childish antics, he had asked his two best friends to look after the Chinese a bit. It might not be the best but it had been the best he could arrange.

“Oh…” That was all of Renjun’s reaction. His crestfallen expression, the little sound, the fingers tightening around the strap of his own bag. “I just… Since Johnny and Taeyong-hyung are working I thought…”

...that it would be like last year. Jeno didn’t need to translation for that. It was easy to read through Renjun once you spent time with him. Transparent like flowy summer curtains. Not even his explaining that he had forwarded Renjun’s number to Jaemin and Hyuck already could erase the signs of insecurity. A few more days, then he was gone. Running away like a coward. He probably was.

He didn’t always want to be one. So he breathed in a bit deeper, and asked, “How about I treat you to dinner in exchange? You haven’t eaten yet, have you?”

“No.” Renjun shook his head. “But Johnny-hyung is picking me up in a bit so I can’t really today…”

There it was again. The reason he was running away. The constant confrontation with their relationship, aching as if someone had put his heart into a smoothie mixer. Might as well come out all sloshy and mixed like a Starbucks Frappuccino. He was getting tired of it, but he was also craving Renjun’s attention and affection, the little gestures of familiarity, the messages checking up on him, asking whether he had time. He was selfish, and selfishness was nothing he could allow himself when it would only lead to pain in the end.

Logically, he should cut Renjun off. Just like that. End their friendship, accept Renjun was but Johnny’s boyfriend. Someone he shouldn’t care for overly affectionately, just someone he’d meet for drinks and an outing here and there. But he had ridden himself into his mess by getting mesmerized by the older.

“It’s fine,” he lied with a smile on his face. “Tell hyung my greetings, will you?”

“No! I mean, yes- No. Just- Don’t you want to come along?” Renjun’s eyes were bright, innocent. An offer between friends. It hurt more than the mention of Johnny. Renjun’s boyfriend Johnny. Not Jeno’s second brotherly figure Johnny.

Slowly, he shook his head. His hair fell into his face but he didn’t mind, it hid his expression a bit more. “I still have to pack some stuff. Have fun, Renjun. Enjoy your holidays.”

“You too,” the other muttered, expression confused a moment before switching to sincerity. Because Renjun surely thought it was just a coincidence. Renjun would never suspect Jeno would run from him. But the cracking lines in his heart told a different story.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


Being in Canada was… interesting. Jeno hadn’t seen Mark since they had last been children and back then they hadn’t gotten along well. It was the polar opposite of what it had been like with Taeyong: whereas their interests had been so different simply based on age, Mark and him had just needed to clash. They fought for toys and sweets, and not even in the roughhousing kind of way. They’d just sit there and stare at each other until the other gave in. So to sum it up, they had been too busy battling it out silently to have a proper conversation. 

In reality, it was way better than he had first been afraid of. Mark was, honestly speaking, nice. Since it was a foreign city to Jeno, his cousin had cleared nearly his whole schedule of the first week to show him around Vancouver, and tried his best to never allow a gap to create whenever they met with his friends. It was… comfortable. And Jeno really felt thankful for Johnny to have taught him English well since their youth, covering more than just the theories of their school English.

Mark’s friends, too, were really welcoming. All of his aunt’s fussing around him was in vain because he had no reason to be uncomfortable. Getting away from everything was a welcome change. There was so much to experience, he didn’t even have the time to spare a thought on anything else but his family and all the new places to discover, or to worry about how he’d take all his new books home when already in the first few days he bought a good dozen. One of his less smarter moments.

Undeniably, he missed home, especially whenever Hyuck and Jaemin sent him pictures of their vacation at home. Of days at the beach, going to the ice cream parlor, playing games together and breaking his scores. Jeno missed the idea of spending time with them but he felt grateful for they made sure he wouldn’t feel left out at any possible time. Perhaps they were the best friends someone could wish for.

But like all good things, like a house of cards cautiously built, it would come crashing down eventually. A little breeze and the printed paper would flap through the air and land on the ground, flipped over and in jumbles. For him, it was not the breeze, but a message from Renjun he woke up to one fine morning. He hadn’t looked at his phone immediately, had made a habit of getting some warm tea and settling at the veranda first to enjoy the fresh morning air to look through his messages there.

The moment he opened Renjun’s, he already regretted it. There were two pictures, of the sunset photographed from the inside of the airport, and a selfie. “Taeyong-hyung said we left from the same gate so I wondered whether that’s the sight you left too?” was written beneath it. It was not what Jeno cared about. It was the face he saw, grinning into the camera, pretty as always, and the notion that Renjun thought of him. Like a trapped animal, that was how he felt.

For a few days now, he had been able to forget all about it, about home, about his worries, nothing but juvenile excitement and delight filling his mind and the wish to finally start his literature course in the local university. But one glimpse at Renjun and he was caught in the trap, a rope around his heart, pulled tight and dragging him along on all of Renjun’s whims. Because he was weak, as a man, for Renjun, and a coward running away but some things one simply couldn’t run from. Like their own feelings. 

“Morning, bro,” Mark greeted him, hair still a bedridden mess and orange juice in his hands. How someone could be so chipper in the morning despite not yet clearly being awake would forever remain a mystery to Jeno. Mark’s mood quickly went somber when seeing Jeno’s expression, the pain in his eyes that were focused on his already black screen. “Everything good, man?”

Jeno was certain there was hesitance in his eyes as he looked up at his cousin. He had spent nearly a whole year talking about Renjun to Jaemin. A part of him was tired of bringing it up again and again, another was craving for it, to finally be able to let go of all the feelings that had accumulated in his heart since Jaemin thought him to be recovering.

Ever sensitive Mark must have noticed, for pointing out, “Look, man, I know we haven’t been close since, like, forever. But you’re a good guy. And if you have something you wanna talk about, I can listen. Like, you don’t have to, if you don’t wanna, but I’m just saying.”

In his hands, his phone vibrated again, like an ugly reminder of what he was feeling at the moment. Rather than looking at it, he dropped it into his lap, and used his now free hands to press his palm against his eyes. Then, with a grunt, he allowed all tension to fall from his body, head tilting against the backrest, hands falling to his lap. “I’m in love with a good friend’s boyfriend…”

“Wait- You’re gay?” The older asked in surprise which was, just, about the most unexpected reaction he could have received. It had Jeno snort in delight but he shook his head in denial. He wasn’t only gay, and not only his desperate need for Renjun could have been enough to prompt him into sleeping with a woman if there hadn’t been initial interest. “Yeah, sorry… Sorry. I mean, you do you, bro. Just caught me off-guard. But your friend’s boyfriend? Really?”

With a sigh, Jeno blinked his eyes open, looking at the roof guarding the veranda. At least now he knew it didn’t sound like a shitty situation only to him. “Are you sure you want to hear all about that?”

“I don’t know, dude, like, that’s your decision. But I won’t bail on you if you wanna talk.” His cousin shrugged his shoulders, as if it actually didn’t matter. To Mark it might actually not. Because Mark was half a world away from them, knew nobody but Taeyong, an unbiased opinion, an outsider. A little glimmer of hope sparked within Jeno’s chest, about getting a different view of his situation. So for the first time in months, he let loose.

Still staring at the wooden construction, he told of their first encounter, of Renjun’s undeniable beauty, of how amazed he had been with his brave and forward attitude, saying all these things Jeno would never dare to. How caring he had been underneath all that brazenness, leaving an impression Jeno wasn’t able to eradicate from his mind for weeks to go. How much his heart had stuttered when seeing Renjun again that day in the library, of how well they got along with each, how much he was affected by the older again and again.

But he also mentioned how much it broke him to see them together again and again. This miserable feeling in his chest that was worse than jealousy because he had no right to feel that. Even he pitied himself for these feelings, for not being able to look away, to turn his back to their situation because he was helplessly caught in such social net.

Like a broken record of his own feelings, he mentioned the little things that had him suffering on the daily, whenever he sat next to Renjun and wondered what it would be like to hold hands with the older only to look a few inches down and see Renjun’s delicate fingers guarded by Johnny’s bigger hand. When he went out with the other in the role of his friend and caught himself thinking of how it would make a nice date, interrupted eventually by Johnny’s incoming call, asking when Renjun would come home. Those times he selfishly decided not to go out with the others despite knowing it would be fun because it would give him an excuse to spend time with Renjun. 

It definitely was different, keeping it all to himself and allowing his heart to spill what ever nonsensical thing he wanted to say. Until he couldn’t help but finish it off, because he felt like Tantalus. Fruit in front of his eyes, water around his feet, but reaching for either was an eternal suffering, getting just out of his reach, a forever dream. Renjun was the fruit in front of him, sparking his interest again and again with his little signs of attention and affection, only to get blown away by a breeze called Johnny. And Tantalus, too, had been cursed with eternal hunger.

When words ran eventually dry on his tongue, he didn’t even know how much time had passed, but he was well aware his coffee had gone cold. Yet he hadn’t dared looking at his cousin, had only felt the relief of being allowed to talk about all he had swallowed down recently, and every added confession had taken a piece off his mind. He felt more exhausted than running a marathon would have ever made him. 

“Man, yo,” Mark eventually spoke up, voice not as bright as his words would suggest otherwise, “I’m not even sure what to say but, like, you’ve gotten yourself into one shithole of a situation. Man, honestly! I mean, I kinda admire you because you feel so sincerely, like, with your whole heart. And I don’t think you’re a bad person just for having feels, like, you’re not working on breaking them apart. But, man, seriously, you gotta stop this-”

Jeno grunted in annoyance. This was not what he wanted to hear after having heard it from Jaemin over and over again. At least if the phrasing had been different…

“Dude, no, like,” his cousin started. Slowly, Jeno got the feeling kind and considerate Mark wasn’t really used to giving out advice like this. Must be an easier life here in Vancouver. “Look, really, I think you have a great heart. You’re in love with someone and you don’t act on it selfishly because you care for them too much. That’s admirably, really! But you’re ruining yourself at the rate you’re going. It sounds like your feelings are only getting more serious, like, that ain’t good. You’re wishing for something you can’t have. And sometimes we just have to let go, man.”

Which, in theory, Jeno know. In actuality, though, “And how do I do that?”

At the question, Mark paled slightly. “Well, man, sorry but, like, that’s not my forte.” And then Jeno experienced something funny because he could literally see the light bulb turn on above Mark’s head, as his cousin clapped his hands together. “But, y’know, at least while you’re here, forget all about him. I’ll make sure this is your time, not that dude’s. So, ready to have fun, man?”

The question was so endearingly innocent, Jeno couldn’t help but smile. Lightly he nodded his head in agreement but before he could out it, his aunt was shouting their names, calling breakfast. So, with a little smile and his mood already lighter, he declared, “After breakfast, I guess.”

“Yeah, man!” Mark shouted, cheerful as his mother, and forced a fist bump upon them before heading inside first. Jeno only hoped it would work.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


When it was Yangyang’s birthday, naturally, the social butterfly he was, there was a party. As much so as was the invitation Jeno had received a few days prior and that would still have him contemplating had Taeyong not literally kicked him out of the door. 

“Enough of your moping and cramming. You can’t live your life playing games with Hyuck,” the older had scolded him and promptly shut the door in his face. The hardwood was not enough to drown out the added yell of, “Have fun! Take a cab home! Don’t be here before midnight!”

Usually, it was the other way around, and Taeyong would tell him not to drink too much, to watch out for pickpockets and harassment and tell him “No means no”. Not to have fun. Usually, Jeno would have rejoiced at the idea of going out but the memories of his own birthday party were still too bright in his mind, of sleeping with Yeeun as a coping mechanism for his own needs and then being too embarrassed by it in the morning. 

Hyuck had run into her once, and that she hadn’t seemed upset or anything, rather told him to tell Jeno her greetings, made him feel a bit uncomfortable rather than relieved. To her, it must have been nothing more than a one-night-stand with him having to leave early in the morning after all, and he was too embarrassed to come clean to her. It had been an unfair reminder but one he couldn’t protest against without unsettling his friends again. He could understand Renjun not wanting to talk about the age difference in their relationship anymore considering the crude gazes he sometimes got for that.

Realizing his thoughts had spiraled back to his unrequited crush once again, he couldn’t help but want to slam his head into a wall. This was not fair. Even on his day out without Renjun his heart wouldn’t stop confronting him with the fact he was hopelessly in love. It had his fingers itching in stress and albeit he had promised himself to try to cut down on them, he found himself pulling out a cigarette to light on the way from the bus station to the club they would meet up at.

Yangyang was already standing outside, talking excitedly to some other guy in fast paced Chinese that Jeno wouldn’t even get if he had been taught more than a few basic sentences by Renjun. That was the moment he should have gotten suspicious, just a bit. The Chinese Student Association of their university wasn’t that grand, most must have seen each other at dinner meetings or ran into other members by affiliation. Not something Jeno considered at that moment.

“Still at it with the habits?” Yangyang called out foregoing the greeting, back to Korean, once he caught sight of Jeno approaching. “Suddenly I’m glad you left me to move out, big boy.”

“I’m sure you say that now and later you’ll bitch about your new roommate anyways,” Jeno replied with a smile. He was used to this kind of bicker between them already. He released another stream of smoke as he settled against the railing framing the footwalk in front of the club, surely to keep drunks from running into their immediate death. The metal was cold against his hips, the jeans not enough to keep it out but he also hadn’t been allowed to change anymore. All thanks to his ever generous brother.

Only a few more moments passed, a breeze blew past, and for a second he had to wonder whether he held something else but tobacco and chemicals in his hands after all. But as Jeno looked up, he found his horrible hope disappointed. Wearing a familiar beanie, it was indeed the boy whose features he might as well know inside out approaching them. His guts flipped upside down, and suddenly he wasn’t sure it had been a good idea not to disrespect his brother’s wishes by going elsewhere or just camping in their hallway.

“Jeno!” Renjun evidently was more delighted than him to be seeing each other. It was all the blond could do to keep his cigarette to the side as the older nearly jumped him, arms tight around his shoulders and that sweet scent of vanilla and tea engulfing him. “I haven’t been seeing you at all recently. What was up?”

“Wow, and here I thought it is my birthday party tonight,” Yangyang remarked from the side, the kind of comment that would have anyone else pull away sheepishly. Renjun only kicked to the side, effectively hitting his fellow Chinese. Jeno noticed the cigarette had burnt out, the last few drags wasted. If being close to Renjun could be called a waste anyways.

“Where’s hyung?” Jeno asked curiously. He wasn’t used to seeing Renjun without his boyfriend anymore, which must be mostly faulted on him. Their usual spot in the library had been forsaken by him as he had taken to studying at home or the coffeeshop Jaehyun worked at instead. Bigger parties were skipped with excuses of exams and worksheets, and none of their friends had questioned him so far because he was always the studious type. Even Taeyong, who must have caught on to his lies since a while now, hadn’t brought it up so far. Jeno felt grateful for that.

Only their smaller get-togethers he wasn’t allowed to miss. Put persuading his brother aside, it was impossible to escape Doyoung’s and Jaehyun’s clutches. But those hanging outs also meant the couple was there as a couple. Johnny still showed up at their apartment at least once a week, Renjun in tow more often than not. It was impossible to escape them, yet he tried, only to have his heart aching more and more, because he pushed aside the fact they were a couple and felt like having a brick wall slammed into his face again and again.

Renjun got his question immediately, answering with a little grunt. “I don’t need no babysitter, Jeno. Why can you go without bu-”

“Sorry,” Jeno interrupted, meant it. He didn’t want to sound accusing, and to emphasize his point he drove his hair through Renjun’s silky hair. The polar opposite of his own hair. His head felt like a pile of straw after one year of repeated dying and the older’s hadn’t gone through a single round of bleaching yet. “I’m just not used to seeing you clubbing on your own.”

“Well, guess whose fault that is for never asking me out,” Renjun retorted sternly. It punched the air right out of Jeno’s lungs. Because it sounded like Renjun would go out with him. Which would be a dangerous combination, so utterly dangerous.

“Alright, lovebirds,” Yangyang started, popping the little bubble of vanilla, tea and soft hair that Jeno had settled in. Under his former roommate’s analyzing gaze he couldn’t help but wonder whether he wasn’t obvious to some people’s eyes. “Let’s get this party started, I guess. My drinks are on Jeno.”

“What? Why?” He exclaimed in surprise, eyes wide as he looked at the younger. Yangyang only shrugged him off, heading for the entrance which, once crossed, would mark the beginning of their night out.  
And one night out it was. Compared to usual, Renjun didn’t hold back drinking at all, downing shot after shot, getting inebriated faster than Taeyong which… said a lot. Somehow all of Yangyang’s friends, who included not only the vastly familiar sight of Kun and Ten but also the tall tan one Jeno had seen around Renjun a few times on campus, had decided the boy would be his responsibility. More than that, Renjun was a handful, though.

After the sixth shot in a row, Jeno had to put an end to it, merely resulting in a whiny Renjun and the need to down the remaining four himself. He didn’t even like the taste of high percentage soju. That was followed by a quite wobbly walking Chinese dragging him to the dance floor, and from there, Jeno considered it pure torture. Bittersweet, oh so cruel torture.

The gaps he had previously needed to fill in with his imagination, the sight of Renjun bodyrolling against Johnny, the slow grind of his hips, reminder of his flexibility, that had haunted his mind at vicious nights, were turned into reality. Because at the moment it was he Renjun was dancing with and against. Suspicions he had held about how tiny the smaller’s waist must feel between his hands were proven right as he pulled the older closer and closer again. Rationality told him it was stupid, he was stupid, eventually he wouldn’t be able to withstand temptation anymore. Unfortunately, rationality had long since been forgotten in the haze of alcohol.

His fingers dug into Renjun’s flimsy shirt, pulling the fabric lightly. The better option than letting his hands travel lower to grab at the other’s hips and pull their bodies even tighter together. It was easy, dancing with Renjun, rhythm found and followed. It was also fun, and Jeno rarely had fun dancing unless he could do stupid dance battles with Jaemin and Hyuck. 

He blamed Taeyong on that, because his brother had taken dance classes in middle and high school, and then taught Jeno what he learned, much to the younger’s entertainment. Despite being no proper dancer himself, it simply went against Jeno’s artistic morals to just jump around in clubs and hump someone’s crotch. But it wasn’t like that with Renjun who allowed himself to be carried by the music so easily with Jeno being left to follow. It actually felt like a proper dance, not mindless hopping.

Dance remained exhausting, and no regular sports session was enough to prepare him for an hour or two straight on the dance floor. He could feel the sweat on his own skin but he could also sense how soaked the back of Renjun’s shirt was from where it was pressed against his front. The older was hot, heated up like about everyone else on the dancefloor, but the only one Jeno even noticed. With a sigh, he dropped his head into the crook of the smaller one’s shoulder, inhaling the sweet mixture of vanilla and tea again while trying to calm his racing heart.

Renjun grinding his ass against his hips did more to him than he would like to admit, and it must be the only upside of the other’s drunk state such obvious physical reaction was missed out on. Albeit every single sway clawed at his nerves, made his patience wear thin. He was trying his best but he was no saint, and intoxicated by alcohol and the mood and with his target of love so close to him, he was more willing to give in than any other time ever before.

“Fuck…” Jeno grunted into Renjun’s neck. From where his lips were brushing against skin again and again, he could feel not only his own heart being agitated. Their differences were so vastly different, though. Renjun wouldn’t be haunted by immoral thoughts towards someone else’s partner, and while most of the times he felt it in the little acts, in wanting to hold hands or cuddling up on the couch, at the moment it was the whole different end of the spectrum. Innocence and seduction. 

Renjun’s fingers interlocked with his where he had them resting on his tender waist, squeezing affectionately. Calling for a change of position. Tender hands he hardly ever got to hold because they were always in Johnny’s grasp. A realization that was enough to startle him out of his current mindset. 

“Fuck,” he repeated once again, this time quieter. He had to close his eyes for a moment to gather his mind. His movements had already halted. Jeno didn’t even need to open his eyes to see Renjun’s worried gaze. With the best of his abilities, he signalled the smaller he’d go for a drink while putting on his best smile. Well aware he shouldn’t leave Renjun alone in this mess of people, he considered what to do with the evidently drunk when his eyes fell upon the tall boy from earlier.

Carefully he maneuvered Renjun over and while he didn’t seem to mind, the tall kid shot Jeno a confused gaze. Knowing how futile using his voice would be, he signaled for a drink once again. A little nod of acknowledgement and he was gone. First to the bar for a cup of water and then outside to air out his brain a bit. His fingers were already around the phone stuck in his back pocket when, right in front of the doors, he found Ten, leaning against a lamp post, fighting with his lighter to get his cigarette to gleam.

“Didn’t know you smoked, hyung,” Jeno pointed out softly, not wanting to startle the older as he fished for his own lighter to help the older out. It had been quite a long time since he had last seen the man around. One and a half years. The time Renjun and Johnny had spent dating. 

“Jaehyunnie infected me,” the Thai gave away. He looked worse for wear than what Jeno was used of him, and he couldn’t help but think that that would be Renjun’s future. Same major, same stress during their final term, same tired aura. Already now it hurt to imagine the boy of his heart in such an exhausted state, useless wish of caring for him stamped onto that fragile organ beating in his chest. 

He brushed it off, covered it with a blanket so he wouldn’t need to see, could imagine the thoughts running through his mind weren’t his own. “You’re not alone then,” he joked as he pulled out one of the sticks of his own. Smoking hadn’t been his intention when he had headed put but considering Ten already had his out…

The sound of their exhales was the only thing resonating between them for a while. Jeno didn’t know what to say and Ten clearly wasn’t in the mood to either. Spending more than a year without contact was making his fingers itch to dig for his information. Half his cigarette was gone when Jeno finally spoke up, “Do you still meet them? Hyung or Jaehyun-hyung?”

Not Johnny. With what Renjun had given away before and the sudden halt in contact it had been easy to figure that much out. Ten and Johnny weren’t on talking terms anymore. Luckily, Ten didn’t poke that topic any more, but when the next words left the Thai’s mouth, Jeno wished he had. “Renjunnie and you look good together. Way better than- Well.” 

Ten stomped out his cigarette and Jeno’s went out slowly without any other drag taken. The words haunted his mind. Renjun and him. Looking good together. It hurt more than anything else Ten could have said. Because it shifted the timelines in his head. Yangyang as his roommate, who knew Renjun, who would have made him met Renjun. Without Johnny being part of the equation. Taeyong’s friend Ten who would have introduced the foreign student of the same age to the him. Without Johnny being part of the equation, once again.

Fate was cruel, Jeno figured that night. Because he could have met Renjun in so many ways and could have fallen for him again and again without having to suffer like this, just because the guy he’d have to fight with was like a brother to him. These words and thoughts hit harder than they should have, were fed into by the alcohol flowing in his veins and the desire burning in his guts. 

During his stay in Canada, he had promised Mark to call whenever moments like these occurred. Whenever it would become too much to bear, the weight of his feelings for a boy he couldn’t have, because Mark had reasoned that keeping them in would worsen them so they should try the opposite. Talk it out, stay in contact, train talking English. It had sounded like an easy solution, better than continuously swallowing them down and suffering on his own, and his cousin usually found a dozen ways to distract him.

All of that fell from his mind when, like a déjà-vu, a slight frame crashed into him again, more force this time around, less secure on their feet. Jeno wrapped his arms around Renjun by instinct. Renjun, who had come to him when he couldn’t deal with any more of life’s cruelty, who was pressing into him like a man dying of thirst encountering water. Who he could never escape off.

“Thought you left me alone,” the smaller breathed into his neck, a tired sound, voice sore from too many drinks and too much citric acid in those. “You smell good…” As if that was a green light, a nice scent, Renjun sank deeper into him, body going lax and Jeno’s arms straining from keeping the older up and standing. “Jeno?”

The blond hummed lowly. He didn’t dare use words, afraid of what come stumbling out of his mouth with all of his senses focused only on the boy in his arms, the world long since forgotten. His fingers, once again, drifted through the unblemished strands of hair damp with sweat and so incredibly soft.

“Take me home?” Renjun parted only the slightest bit from his neck, bright orbs looking up hopefully.

Jeno was weak, so utterly weak. Fate might be cruel but he was carelessly stepping into every single trap thrown his way. Sleeping a night on the couch, allowing Johnny to pick his boyfriend up the morning after, feeling his own heart crack some more, suddenly seemed entirely reasonable if only it meant not being met by disappointed eyes. Silently, he choked out, “Sure… Anything for you, Renjun. Anything.”

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


Christmas felt like too much of a situation. They had come together for a night out, celebrate the holiday that was less of an event in Korea than what Johnny and Jaehyun knew from their times in America together. All of that topped with a small round of secret santa to get them some laughter out of the situation. Normally, they wouldn’t have to gift each other anything. It was mostly considered a couple holiday, too. Somehow it still felt right, looking at his friends through the window of the restaurant. 

It might be heavily connected to all the warm memories he recalled that had to do with this day. His own family didn’t celebrate it well but the Suh’s had always invited them over for it, and despite the lack of presents, there had been things like Christmas cookies and hot chocolate or even spiked punch for the adults. It had transformed to a special day between the children, a day to spend together, to watch cheesy movies and eat warm caramel popcorn spiced up with cinnamon. 

Nowadays, with the Suh parents having returned to America, it had remained as a little tradition among their circle of friends. Usually initiated by Johnny and Taeyong, it was a day Jeno had always spent with them. So seeing them all in the restaurant chosen for the occasion, he couldn’t help but feel warm inside. 

It probably looked like a scene out of one of those cheesily romantic Christmas movies. Him, standing on the street in the cold, watching on his friends in the warmth, celebrating well. They got bewildered or amused looks from the people around, but for these few moments, he got the appeal behind the scene. Just watching them be happy, enjoying each other’s company, the little pile of Christms presents they had bought for their little game on the bench. Despite the creeping in cold, he thought he could watch this quite a while and just indulge the affection he felt for his brother and their friends and Renjun. Because Renjun always was special.

Unfortunately, without a cigarette between his fingers or a phone in his hand, he had no reason to stall for much longer. With the drop in temperatures, he had cut down drastically on the tobacco sticks, aided only by exam season and the distance between their homes meaning less contact between him and Renjun. Thus, also less suffering. Much to his chagrin, also a lot more yearning and pining. According to his brother, he didn’t even need to study as much, considering the great progress of his casual cramming days, but it was a nice distraction from his thoughts. The superior grades were only the cherry on top.

So when Doyoung noticed him standing outside first, the older sent him a confused look. Jeno didn’t miss the slight downwards dart of eyes, looking for the cigarette that might keep him outside. There was none, and the older gestured him to come inside already. 

The others, too, caught sight of the little commotion, his brother turning in his seat to look at him curiously, something Jeno only caught from the periphery of his vision. Because his own eyes had already been focused on Renjun, on the way the boy of the same age as him was distracted from looking at Johnny with all his adoration to gazing out of the window as well, bright smile blooming on his face.  
Moments like these made it especially hard. When Jeno just wanted to disregard Johnny for a moment and allow himself to feel as if he were the boyfriend Renjun was looking forward to meeting, as if he were more than just a good friend arriving for a dinner of their group. And he doubted he even was a good friend at this point of time when he spent more time avoiding Renjun than with Renjun.

It seemed nearly ironic, and even Mark had called him out for that, that his feelings were like a constantly working magnet. Like a smoker hating the taste of tobacco. He permanently craved it but after having it, he realized he felt worse. He felt the pull to his crush whenever they were apart but the push whenever they were together. Wanting the good but knowing he wasn’t allowed to. 

Quickly he wrote Mark a message, telling him of the impending doom of suffering and wishing a merry Christmas along with it, asking to forward his greetings to his aunt and uncle, while simultaneously making his way inside. Taeyong had saved him the spot between him and Johnny, opposite Jaehyun, and Jeno felt nearly relieved he didn’t need to look at Renjun too much. Regardless of his desperate wish to take in the older’s appearance and admire it.

“Hyung, merry Christmas,” he called out in delight as he wrapped his arm around Johnny to pull the older in close. It wasn’t even fake, Jeno wholeheartedly meant these words. Johnny was still family, and no matter how envious he was of his relationship, he loved his brother figure. The quick glimpse he was allowed to throw at Renjun over Johnny’s shoulder was but a painful reminder and delighting coincidence at once. 

Johnny’s reply nearly drowned out in his mind as he caught Renjun’s smile and replied to it with one of his own. Timid, because that’s how Jeno felt in the other’s company nowadays. It was hard to tell when or if he crossed the line between friends from his subjective view. His only remaining reassurance was that no one had pointed it out so far. 

“That’s so unfair!” Doyoung called from the other side of the table, wearing a displeased expression on his face. “Where’s my hug?” Such a sulky expression but, Jeno had realized quite soon, his brother’s friends were overly competitive in their pursuit for his affection. It was adorable, to him, and had him always feel welcome, though.

“Later, hyung,” Jeno promised with a smile, because they were still at a restaurant, evidently with the wish to eat. Some soju was already on the table, and with a little gesture towards his brother, looking for approval, he poured himself a glass.

From next to him, Taeyong spoke up, “I ordered some appetizers for you but we waited with the main. Did you have trouble coming here?” The question came as a bit of a surprise to the younger, considering he had written his brother his schedule had changed a bit with the professor having run late. A bit sheepish, and perfectly in tune with his thoughts, the older pointed out, “My phone ran dry…”

“Hyung!” Jeno groaned in fake annoyance. Such polar opposite of him who always carried a charger with him in case he got tired of studying and wanted to play a round of PUBG between classes or something. 

“Don’t be unfair now!” His brother whined softly, lips pushing into a pout. “Blame Jaehyunie! He did not have a charger for my phone! Kid is so rich but can’t even afford to look out for his elder!”

“You’re not that old, hyung,” Jaehyun opposed, and to Jeno it was incredibly funny to see how Taeyong was called out on his act for a moment, before starting to protest that he wasn’t old at all, supported by the coinciding words from Johnny’s side. 

Like this it was easy to imagine everything was normal. He could ignore his longing to look at Renjun, could ignore the way the older’s laughter sounded like the sweetest tinkle, could push aside the thought of the other looking adorable with his cheeks stuffed full because he didn’t have to see. Repeatedly he told himself to just focus on the food, on his brother or Jaehyun or his brother and Jaehyun whenever one of them wasn’t enough.

Like this it was easy to forget about time, feeling his stomach stuffed to the brim before he had even realize. With a grunt, he fell back into his chair, dropping his head back. Over all the talking and joking around he had forgotten about how much he had even eaten. If he thought back the recent days, despite living with his notorious brother, he must have lived off jellies and Renjun’s tea mostly. Which, honestly, hadn’t done him well, the aroma of jasmine bringing up too many memories but during his cramming sessions, when he had gotten so used to the familiar scent in the first semester, it helped him focus. 

Were he home, Jaemin would have made fun of him by now. A thought that must not only have occurred to him for when he looked over, he could see his brother holding back his laughter. “Normally Jaemin would drag you to the bathroom to compare abs now, right?”

“Hyung,” Jeno smiled softly, “I don’t think I have any abs right now…”

“His abs are cute,” Johnny interrupted from the side, teasing expression on his face. “Look like a baby’s.” Which, well, wasn’t untrue, when comparing to Jaehyun or Johnny, but these two had a few years of workout on him.

Curiously, Renjun leaned forward over the table. “How do baby abs even look like?”

Johnny let out an affronted “Babe!” while it was all Jeno could do not to look away in embarrassment. Heat was warming his neck, creeping up his hairline, surely tainting his ears. Surprisingly, despite having spent a lot of time together, he didn’t think Renjun had seen more than slivers of his skin. The honest interest was letting his mind run wild, in front of his boyfriend no less. 

“No flirting in front of my soju,” Doyoung eventually interjected after some seemingly infinite moments of startled silence. This time, Jeno did turn his head away, looking at his fingers crossed on the table instead. 

Flirting. This surely wasn’t the right term at all. Made it seem wrong to even think about.

Beside him, Johnny suddenly clapped his hands together as means to get all their attention at once. “Alright. I suggest we order some dessert and exchange our gifts. Before this one here” - his thumb jerked in Taeyong’s direction - “gets too wasted to see.” Then, like a dirty secret, the older leaned in and whispered into Jeno’s ear, “Good luck with that.”

Jeno could only smile. It wasn’t even the first time for him to take home an intoxicated Taeyong, something the American evidently liked to miss out on. From the corner of his eyes, he could see his brother pout at the slight accusation, something that might have quickly turned into brotherly bickering if not for Renjun’s interruption.

Without further ado, he had reached into the pile of presents and dug his out to hand Taeyong. Just from the shape and softness of it Jeno already knew it would be something to wear, maybe a scarf or hat considering the cold. It would be a good present, knowing his brother who still hadn’t bought a new scarf after losing his favorite, always coming back home in the wee hours of the morning with a runny red nose. How he hadn’t fallen sick yet would remain a mystery to Jeno. 

Indeed, it was a scarf, and the chain was set off. A new perfume from Taeyong to Doyoung. Doyoung had bought some highly recommended hair treatment for Jeno who, honestly, thought his hair was a goner already. Not even changing to a lighter shade of honey had done much to make it feel healthier. It just looked less dull than before. 

Jeno hardly managed to thank the older enough with how Johnny was pinching at his side curiously. The hint was obvious enough, so he just quickly reached into his pocket to hand a letter to Jaehyun. He wasn’t the most creative in the presents department but considering the other went to the gym a lot, paying his next year’s membership fee had seemed like the best of ideas at that moment. 

“Aren’t you a cutie?” Jaehyun immediately cooed. Jeno only smiled softly and reached for the remaining bottle of soju. It was nearly empty and they better stop drinking after this. At least he should.

Somehow he had missed out on the last two presents, only noticed them as Johnny excitedly looked through the assortment of films and the new photo album that carried but a single picture of them during Johnny’s recent Halloween party. It was obvious what it had been for. Only what the American got for his boyfriend Jeno did not catch, was blurring out this little knowledge deliberately. 

Under the table, he felt Taeyong kick against his ankle, shooting him a worried look. “Ate too much,” Jeno mouthed at his brother, and rubbed over his protruding stomach a bit. He had actually eaten a bit more than he should, just not enough to feel sick just yet. His brother bought it anyways. 

Just to get a moment of peace, he pulled his phone, replying to the messages he had received by Mark, then to the written shouts of gratitudes of his best friends who had finally been allowed to open the presents he had sent them. Nothing much, actually. New gaming equipment for Hyuck and a few fancy keychains for Jaemin. Saving up for all these had actually been a hassle at first but with how much time he spent at home since university, he had cut down on expenses a lot. Moments like these made it seem worth it.

When he tuned back in, he realized it was about the discussion of who’d pay. Taeyong had already promised to take over his part, since he hadn’t been able to buy a present for Jeno amidst all his working stress. Amidst all that chaos, he reached into his coat’s pocket once again, pulling out a slender box. Behind Johnny’s chair, his fingers pried for Renjun’s attention, immediately passing forth the jewelry case when he had a chance to. 

Jeno himself didn’t explain anything, and some time in between the matter over who’d get to pay had been solved. There were no drinks left, the food long since gone, and with presents exchanged, he didn’t feel too bad to be the first to get up. “Sorry, guys,” he smiled gently, “Hyung and I are meeting our parents for lunch tomorrow so we should head home now.”

“Ah!” Taeyong released a startled noise of surprise, then repeated it a bit louder a second later. “We need to clean! They’ll want to come by after, oh dear, why didn’t you remind me, I-”

“I already cleaned, hyung,” Jeno denied him, feeling a bit awkward having this kind of conversation right now. It felt oddly domestic to discuss in public, not to mention he’d rather not give in to the embarrassment that was being called out on all the little details he had missed out on. Downside of having a tidy brother. 

Already he had put on his coat, feeling the itch to go home when all he had left to do was wait for his brother to follow up. Renjun’s gaze weighed heavily on his shoulders so he, conveniently, used smoking as an excuse to head out first. He didn’t even light a cigarette, only wanted to get out of their sight after some goodbyes. 

What he had not expected, though, was seeing the Chinese come out instead of his brother. His eyes widened slightly, only it made sense when looking down at the box held within delicate hands. “Lee Jeno,” Renjun reprimanded him. Jeno’s fingers clenched in his coat’s pockets. “What is this for?”

For existing. For being near him. For sticking around despite Jeno deserving the Worst Friend Award. For owning his heart and holding it kindly despite breaking it again and again. For not letting go like a rat trap with a piece of cheese, giving him something to nibble on when he had willingly walked into it. In his mind Hyuck’s words of alcohol being a depressant, and Jeno hadn’t drank little. Evidently, it affected him.

“An apology,” he finally said. The words tasted like acid, a weak excuse of what he actually craved to say. “I didn’t put a lot of effort into our friendship lately. I know I can’t pay to make up for my mistakes but just… Take it as me saying I appreciate your company still.” His guilt wasn’t born from the lack of attention he had paid the older. Words he violently swallowed down. They weren’t appropriate now. Or… ever. 

Behind Renjun, he could see Taeyong approach. Jeno couldn’t remember the last time he had felt as thankful for seeing his brother pop up. “It’s cold. You should head back inside,” he cut off any possible answer that might have come from Renjun’s lips. Giving away a physical gift hadn’t been the smartest idea maybe, but when he couldn’t express his feelings in person, he wanted to put them into material instead. Lightly, he smiled at the smaller and turned on his heels, heading towards the train station.

Barely had he reached the next traffic light, Taeyong having caught up, when he heard a loud “Lee Jeno!” being yelled down the street. Hesitantly, he glimpsed over his shoulder, seeing Renjun huddled into Johnny’s sweater, one hand curled around his mouth. “Thank you!”

Jeno wished it hadn’t been such a loud sign of gratitude. Renjun was crazy, yelling down the street, getting stared at by the few passerbys, maybe even waking up those who had gone to bed early on. But Renjun had done it because of him. It made him crush down brutally and allowed him to soar at the same time. Shortly he curled his fingers, a short wave. The traffic lights changed color and he hushed his brother forth.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


Jeno pretended he didn’t see the familiar watch sparkling bright around Renjun’s wrist, his gaze permanently fixed there. Only recently had the older come back from his holidays in China while Johnny had been gone to Chicago for two weeks. Just why it was they had decided on reuniting on Valentine’s day of all days would remain a mystery to him but there he was, sitting in their usual bar at the Incheon ports with Hyuck, Jaemin and his girlfriend, and Renjun, warming seats while Taeyong picked Johnny up from the airport. 

Originally Mark had proposed he come over for the vacation already, but most of his savings gone for Christmas presents, unwilling to ask his parents, he hadn’t had no other option but deny. Hyuck might have also killed him had he dared spend another holiday away from them. At least he finally got to meet Jaemin’s girlfriend. The story of their encounter had made him feel awkward, though.

Eunbin, a nice and pretty girl undoubtedly, was originally a friend of Yeeun, attending the same university as Jaemin. When they had been in the café the older girl helped out at, and his friend had recognized the girl from his lectures, they had started to talk. Now, his best friend even dared joke it was all thanks to Jeno. Had Jeno not slept with Yeeun, Jaemin would have never gone to her workplace to get some extra espresso shots into his poisonous coffee, and might have never talked to Eunbin.

All this had been told in Renjun’s company, after the older had asked, much to Jeno’s embarrassment. He couldn’t file the look he received from the Chinese, couldn’t figure out what it meant. It made him uncomfortable, it was all he knew. A feeling he was willing to flush down with alcohol when his brother was already declared designated driver. 

He must already be a drink ahead of the others despite it being hard to tell. Jaemin was always easily intoxicated and Hyuck was loud regardless. Renjun, though… Renjun just knew how to hide it well enough for hardly anyone to notice. Like a challenge, take a bet whether it had hit the older yet or not. But it wasn’t his concern. With Johnny being on his way here, it wasn’t Jeno’s task to look after him. That belonged to the boyfriend privileges.

“You think you’ll get chocolates this year, Nono?” Jaemin asked from across the table, startling the blond a bit. He hadn’t expected the question, and it took him a moment to gather his thoughts enough to figure what his best friend was referring to.

Next to him, Renjun made a confused sound. It was on Hyuck to lean over the table and tell conspiratorially, “Jaemin and Jeno always counted their chocolates and letters to see who’d get more. The loser would have to pay for drinks for a week.”

Interested, Renjun leaned in a bit too. “So who won?” As if that would actually matter… Jeno, at least, did no longer remember.

“Two to one for Jaemin,” Hyuck grinned. Eunbin snorted in delight, which was a refreshing reaction. Some girlfriends might have been jealous with their boyfriends attracting so much attention but when the cat was already in the bag, it might be harder to fear for it running away.

Seeing these two were still discussing the details of their Valentine’s bets, Jeno signaled to Jaemin he’d head out instead. Not even the oppressive smell of alcohol was enough to cover up the intoxicating scent of Renjun’s unique scent. Were it to be made into a perfume, he might just go broke on it. Spray it into his pillows to fall asleep with a lighter mind only to wake up to it in the morning like a dirty pervert. Well, maybe it was a bad idea after all.

Vanilla and tea shouldn’t be that alluring, should have him wish to just nuzzle against the smaller’s neck, inhale the essence deep into his lungs, hoping it would stay there forever. It wasn’t fair, to want someone this much, not being allowed to have them.

By habit, he patted around his jeans pockets to look for a cigarette, but come New Year’s, he had stopped buying them. It was easier to cut down on bad habits before they became routine, and a year of smoking had been sufficiently enough. Not only that, it had affected his athletic results, so he wasn’t too keen on having this drag on for longer.

Much to his surprise, though, an unknown girl offered him one. A bad idea, he knew that much, but the memory of Renjun’s lingering scent was enough to make him forget about that part. He smiled politely as he accepted it, along with her lighter, then tried to discreetly get some distance. There were no new notifications on his phone screen, with his best friends having spent the whole of February with him already, and Mark was busy going on a date himself. 

“Are you alone?” The girl who had offered him the tobacco stick asked coyly, not fitting the way she had so confidently handed it to him just moments prior. Jeno felt a bit unsettled at the way she twirled a strand of hair around her finger. In theory, it would be a sign of flirting, and considering the bar’s reputation, he wouldn’t even be surprised. Today he just really didn’t feel like any of this. Renjun was right in front of him, and despite it being so utterly unreasonable, he didn’t want the older to see such a sight of his. 

Not to mention once had been enough to inform him of the fact that sleeping with someone else would, in fact, not cure his own repetitive and vicious heartbreak. “I’m with friends,” he replied, out of courtesy, because she had given him a cigarette. Basic small talk right this might make him a bit uncomfortable at the moment but his mother had raised him to be kind under most circumstances.

“No girlfriend?” The girl immediately went for it, stepping close enough to Jeno for her covered chest to almost brush against his arm. It made him feel relieved and nauseous at once. He had been right but at least he now had a chance to turn her down openly.

“I already-” Jeno didn’t even get to finish for a weight collided with his chest, arms around his shoulder and one leg around his waist, the other kept down low to not knee the girl on accident. Vanilla and tea engulfed him from behind, and with this kind of proximity, not even cigarette smoke was enough to drown it out. 

“Baby,” Renjun hummed, no, purred into his ear, hand travelling dangerously low on Jeno’s chest. Lower than any normal friend’s hand should go. “I thought you stopped smoking! You promised you wouldn’t anymore because your lips always taste so-”

Within a single instant, Jeno could observe how the gaze of the girl went from coyly interested to bordering disgusted. Sometimes not even the change of generations was enough to alter some people’s attitude, he mused, and still called his gratitude towards her. 

Once she was out of hearing distance, Renjun climbed off his back. Jeno immediately missed the warmth, missed the touch, missed the proximity. All he got was the cold breeze flowing through his shirt that was way too light to protect him in the cold of the current weather. “Thank you… You didn’t have to.” Because now he felt an even bigger turmoil in his guts than before.

“She wouldn’t have let off,” Renjun just shrugged it off. The smaller wasn’t dressed much better than him, light cardigan wrapped around his slight frame, not even properly put on. “I got worried when you didn’t come back… You did say to have stopped, after all.”

“One time relapse,” Jeno reasoned. With his free hand, he pulled the smaller into his side, trying to shield Renjun a bit more from the wind that always picked up speed near the shore. If one of them could find relief from the cold weather, it would already be less burdensome and, indeed, he could feel the other sag slightly into the embrace. It wouldn’t be long until he had used up his cigarette anyways. 

Until he had, he soaked up on the moment. On Renjun pressed into his side, warm breath hitting his shoulder, the irresistible scent of vanilla and tea, the nimble knuckles pressing into his ribs from where Renjun’s fingers were stuck between their bodies. It felt right, comfortable, to Jeno, it was like their bodies were matching puzzle pieces. He was also aware it was one-sided, would stay that way. Yet, out of his own selfish reasons, he let the cigarette drag on for a bit longer, acting as if there were more to it when the red had already faded away. In his head, he counted down a quarter minute.

“I’ll just throw this away,” the blond pointed out softly, not wanting to startle the Chinese too much. But it was still cold, and having Renjun around only for him to trash a cigarette butt hardly seemed fair. So he gently pushed the older towards the bar’s entrance, only to catch up seconds later. A few minutes of bliss before he knew he would suffer again. He wanted to treasure it for the slightest bit longer. For the embrace had felt better than any chocolates and confessions ever could have.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


The summer semester came and passed, and Jeno’s biggest struggle turned out to be to choose what to write his bachelor’s thesis in. With the speed he was going in terms of studying, he had nearly accomplished all his necessary courses. Only a thesis left to write and two or three classes he hadn’t been able to pull forth. It also meant once he was done with summer courses, one happy Thursday afternoon, he could just plunge face first into his couch at home. 

“Freedom,” he muttered into a pillow he had pulled into his face. He had gotten up too early today because he had meant to talk with his boss before class about stocking up on shifts in the coming semester, considering he had even less to do if he got his writing done in the upcoming weeks of August. More shifts meant more money and more money meant… little, actually. Because he wouldn’t know what to spend it on anyways.

He was done with his day but now that he was, Jeno unfortunately didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. They wouldn’t leave for home before the weekend, spending the first week with Johnny and Renjun as was slowly becoming tradition. Not the Johnny part, but definitely the one with Renjun. One more week of suffering like this. One more semester of avoiding these two. Then he’d have his degree and it might just start anew with his master. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he didn’t even check for who it was, just assumed his brother and a request to buy toilet paper they were running low on or whatever. Instead, it was a brighter voice greeting him, Renjun chirpily asking, “You’re done with your summer classes, right? ‘cause Taeyong-hyung managed something like this and- hey, what kind of chicken do you prefer?”

“Classic,” Jeno muttered a bit confused. He was pretty certain he had already informed Renjun about that but he didn’t question it now. After their break only just starting now, he really didn’t feel like blaming the older for not remembering the tiny detail of his preferred chicken order. Despite the Chinese’s being ingrained to his brain forever. “Did we have plans for today?”

“No. But you never make plans with me anyways so I’ll be there in twenty and you better be decent.” And just like that, the older hung up. Left Jeno staring at his phone in confusion for another moment until reality of the impending near future hit him. Renjun was coming over. Now. With food. Because Jeno had been avoiding him again.

A silent curse slipped his lips as he realized the meaning of these words. Renjun was actually coming over and he suddenly wished he had something to do. But their home was a prime example of cleanliness and he was still in his casual clothes, meaning his outfit was good enough as well. There was nothing to clean away, nothing to prepare, and still supposedly eighteen minutes left before he was no longer alone. 

Messaging Mark would be a futile attempt too, because his cousin was not yet up, so he resorted to just send a random keysmash to express his stress. Turning on the TV, too, would only do so much while he was busy going crazy over his crush coming over. It had been a while since they had spent time alone together, and Jeno already knew it would affect him too much. At least if they were with friends he’d be able to tune the older out a bit more but them being alone meant he’d also be highly aware of all the little habits of the older, all the details, and each of them would affect him like an arrow taken straight to the heart. At this point, he was most definitely certain love was just no healthy emotion.

Constantly it affected him, there was no cure, and he both wished there was some medication like for depression to get rid of it and for it to last a long time. Because the moment he stopped thinking of Renjun like this, he wondered what it would make of their friendship. Would they return to zero? Would he lose interest in the older? Would he be able to behave like he did around Jaemin? He wasn’t certain.

Somehow, the doorbell already rang, sounding awfully agitated in Jeno’s innocent ears, startled him effectively and despite the heaviness of his legs, he made his way over. First the door downstairs, then, some moments later and following the ping of the elevator, their apartment door. Twenty minutes suddenly seemed like mere seconds, little to nothing could have prepared him for the sight of Renjun right in front of him.

The older looked how Jeno felt, a bit disheveled, eyes sunken in the slightest bit from finishing up an assessment he was aware Renjun had to hand in a bit later than scheduled, and with the flush of the summer heat still on his skin. Not to mention the subtle glow in his face borne from being kissed by the sun and sweat that shouldn’t be attractive at all but to Jeno still was.

“So you’re actually alive and healthy, huh?” The Chinese teased, mercilessly making his way past Jeno in the entrance area. And, ouch, that kind of hurt but was also reasonably justified. Considering he hardly ever contacted his friend at this point, and were it not for their shared cycle of friends and Renjun’s stubbornness, they might have long ceased contact altogether.

Feeling a bit lost at the accusation, Jeno only traced the older with his eyes, then feet, as they headed to their open living area. “Yeah, just been quite-”

“Busy, right?” Renjun interrupted, and how the older still didn’t hold any malice against him was like a wonder to Jeno. With an ease of belonging that came from having a regular to the apartment since over a year ago, the Chinese sat down on the floor in front of their couch table, back against the softer cushions, and started to sort through the things he got them for lunch. “If you don’t find a better excuse soon, you might just stop apologizing.”

Getting stabbed with a sword might sting less than this, yet Jeno remained quiet. Renjun had left him the angular spot in the L-shape of their couch, the one that allowed him to lean back and to the side at once. It felt like having his heart stomped on, then picked up carefully for a soft caress. Lightly he shook his head, ridding himself of the thoughts. The many classes and the heat must slowly be getting to his head.

“You want something to drink?” He asked instead and the showing off some cans of soft drinks was enough of an answer. On his way to his favorite spot in front of the couch, he picked up the remotes to turn on the television, tuning in to whatever entertainment rerun or drama was currently on. Either would be better than the awkward silence while eating without any of the noise. 

Like this, there was only them commenting on the main characters’ stupid antics, making fun of them. Easy words, a light mood. Sometimes, from the corner of his eyes, he could also see the glint of light reflecting on the watch’s surface, the one that always caught his eyes, because like the stupid idiot he was, it felt like a way of branding. Unlike Johnny, he could not mark otherwise unblemished skin but these few square inches around Renjun’s wrist at least were his.

For a second, he wondered what Johnny had said about that. Not even the American had received a special present from Jeno despite their year long affiliation. Johnny had never brought it up in even a jokeful way. Maybe Renjun hadn’t told him the details of it? Jeno couldn’t know but he also didn’t dare to ask, would just let it drown in the mess of his mind like any other thought concerning this weird situation called his infatuation.

“...want the last piece?” Jeno blinked lightly, trying to make sense of Renjun’s words until he realized his hand had been hovering over a chicken leg, the hand with the watch he had stared at. No wonder the older had asked.

“No, no, I’m stuffed,” he answered instead. Less staring, more distraction. He forced himself to get up more than doing it with ease, already collecting some of the trash to take to the kitchen where he could also wash his hands off the grease. Taeyong would scold him for having eaten takeout rather than the leftovers in the fridge. A sacrifice that had to be made.

In the kitchen, Renjun passed him by with the same intention of washing his hands after finishing lunch, and when he spotted Jeno taking two ice cream cones from the fridge, the younger could all too easily the thousand stars appearing in his eyes. Immediately, the older pressed into his side, purring, “My hero, knowing me so well.” Greedy hands reached for the treat that was easily kept out of reach by the taller.

Some bickering and fooling around ensued, leaving Jeno all too aware of the many spots their skin came to touch, the burning sensation they left on him despite the sweltering heat that was barely so countered by their AC. He wasn’t sure whether to feel relief when he was released of that or crave for more until the flames of desire had engulfed him entirely. The former at least sounded smarter considering he was wishing for a taken man.

He easily fell back into his former position, arm perched on the cushion to keep his head up as he ate away on the soft ice cream. Renjun’s weight on the couch barely had the surface bending as the older settled behind him, pursuing a more comfortable spot than the hardwood floor.

What surprised him more were the fingers combing through his hair, scratching against his nape, tugging at the little hair at the back of his head. “When did you dye your hair again?” The Chinese asked curiously, digits combing upwards, looking for the longer strands to curl into.

“Hm?” Lightly Jeno tilted his head backwards to look at the other. It took him a few seconds to remember he had returned to a somewhat natural black. Not the same tone it had had naturally, as was obvious, and not sufficient to cover up the dullness of his formerly bleached head when it had been cheap drugstore dye but it had allowed him to grow his hair out again without looking like a whole mess. “For my birthday, I think? Dying them for so long was taking a toll already…”

For a bit Renjun remained silent, and when a reply was yet to come for another handful moments, Jeno turned his head to look at the older. The brunett seemed contemplative, only breaking beneath the younger’s confused gaze. “We really didn’t see each other since your birthday, huh?”

Jeno stopped in his motion. A drop of molten ice cream dropped onto the couch. Taeyong would have his head for that if it stained. He couldn’t look away from his guest for another second. His birthday had been in April. Now was the end of July. He hadn’t even realized himself.

“Might just be,” he admitted silently, not knowing how to follow up on that. The only reason their friends hadn’t called him out on that so far must be for meeting them all separately. He’d go to the coffeeshop Jaehyun worked part-time at between classes or for his studies. He messaged Doyoung regularly, and sometimes they went for luncheons if the older’s internship allowed to. Johnny stopped by whenever or called between photoshoots when he was overly bored. Even with Ten he had exchanged a few texts here and there after they had met during a night out in spring. Anyone but Renjun. He actually hadn’t noticed. 

Renjun didn’t bring it up again but the fingers skimming through his hair didn’t cease. It felt comfortable, daint digits working through the little knots in his neck, tugging at and skimming through his strands, and despite it only being his head, Jeno felt himself going lax slowly. Taking a nap seemed inviting enough, and under different circumstances he might as well have fallen asleep. As it was, he felt torn. He wanted to indulge the feeling, the imagination of this being like a perfect day spent as a couple, how easy it could be, might be, would never be, and the guilt eating away at his heart for having toyed with their friendship like this.

In front of him the TV was still running but he hardly kept track of what was happening on there. Renjun’s fingers kept moving through his dyed black mess. The heat was oppressive. He was a shitty friend. Deep down he knew he’d make a way better boyfriend but that was not the reality they lived. That was Johnny’s role.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


Summer break was nearly over and the next morning they would already be on the train back home. Now that Taeyong was working for good, the time they got to spend together as family in summer like this had cut down quite drastically but Jeno appreciated their weekends as family all the more. Which was exactly why he should rather enjoy these days he managed to visit their parents with his brother during their days off, mostly on weekends, and not sit around the harbour trying to sort through his thoughts.

Like a ghost haunting him, his own brother had managed to trace him down at the pier, and set on the ground next to him. Feet dangling down the wall, chest leaning against the railing keeping people from stumbling and falling down. A cup of iced lemonade was handed to him and he silently accepted it. “Thought I’d find you around here. Was rather expecting the Nano Pier though.”

Jeno couldn’t help but smile at that. It had been a while since he had heard that name for the pier Jaemin and him liked to watch the sunset from, their little place of retreat. “Hoped the noise would drown out my thoughts,” he answered honestly, words a bit dull from where his teeth were stubbornly clamping down on the straw connecting to the cool drink.

His brother released a humming sound, and time stretched out. Silence between them but noise all around. The tourists that had come here, the rumor of the shops at their back, the fishermen checking their boats one final time for their early morning fishing leave. 

“Mom told me about her proposal,” Taeyong finally picked up on the reason he had come by for. Indeed, his brother was like a ghost, haunting him. Or perhaps a detection dog for perfectly finding out just when Jeno was bothered by something and what the exact reason was. “I think you should do it…”

A surprised sound escaped the younger as he looked at the music producer, eyes slightly widened and lemonade stopped halfway up through the straw. That was… not what he had expected. Not from his brother who was always fussing about him and suddenly supporting the claim of him going abroad. 

“I’m not blind, you know? I won’t question your reasons now but you’re not happy here, Jeno. You keep slaving away in university and you’re not having the fun time you’re supposed to have at this age. Getting away- It might do you good.” Daint fingers drove through blond hair but Jeno was too distracted by the words spoken to realize his brother’s hair looked about as bad for wear as his had before dying it black. 

Suddenly, an embarrassed laugh slipped from the older’s lips. “I always thought I could read you well but I somehow didn’t realize until I overheard your phone conversation with Mark recently. I mean, I didn’t understand everything but even my English is sufficient to realize you’re in love with Renjunnie…”

Hearing that, Jeno couldn’t help but feeling his guts twist in his stomach and cutting off the airflow for a few seconds. Taeyong knew. But if Taeyong only found out like that, at least no one else must know. Couldn’t know. Nobody knew him better than his own brother, not even Jaemin or Hyuck. “How much…”

“...did I hear?” Taeyong asked, and the younger nodded his head lightly. “Not much. I could only understand you’re struggling with your feelings and you kept mentioning Renjun and Johnny. And then…” It was written on the older’s face how uncomfortable he was, nervously licking his lips as he confessed, “I went to ask Jaemin about it… He said you had a crush on him in your first year and that you got over it but- you didn’t, did you?”

His throat constricted. Breathing suddenly felt tiring, his eyes stung, and Jeno desperately tried to swallow it down with lemonade but he didn’t have the strength to pull it up the straw.

“Oh, Jeno…” The arm thrown around his shoulders, despite the heat and sweat basically sewing their skin together, felt comforting. He didn’t have any more strength to refuse Taeyong pulling him into a soothing embrace. “You should have told me. Feelings like that aren’t easy to bear, stop shouldering it on your own. Did you think I wouldn’t help you?”

Clumsily Jeno reached to put the lemonade behind them. Leaving it to warm up on the hot stones was better than dropping it into the ocean and polluting the sea more than it already was. “It’s because you’d have helped me, hyung… You’d have kept Johnny at a distance and stopped inviting Renjun and that’s- Hyung, your friendships shouldn’t suffer because of me!”

Helplessly, his brother muttered his name again, fingers driving through his hair, and as Jeno felt reminded of Renjun doing just the same, his heart ached all the more. A one-time thing. Because Renjun hadn’t done it again, had played with Johnny’s hair instead. Drove his fingers through chocolate brown softness that must feel so much better than his own ruined strands. At times, it was all Jeno could do not to succumb to the thought of Johnny being better than him. Two individuals, they were supposed to have their strengths each.

“You must have endured a lot, Jeno,” his brother whispered, and the silent apologies were obvious in his tone. “I’m sorry for not noticing. And I’m sorry for prying. But after talking to Mark, too, I think you should be selfish. Go follow mom’s plan and heal your heart, will you?” 

Jeno didn’t answer immediately. 

“Will you at least consider it?”

At that, he at least did manage to nod his head.

  


☆ﾟ･*:.｡.☆

  


New Year’s had approached faster than Jeno had thought it would. This semester he hadn’t needed to pick up any more winter classes, his degree was already printed, stamped, and tucked into the same folder as all his other relevant documents were. Instead, he had spent that same time packing his things.

Naturally, he wouldn’t get to take everything along, but bit by bit his room had cleared out and some of Jaehyun’s boxes had even been moved into a corner of the room already. Come January, his parents would stop by with the car and pick up the things he wouldn’t need to take along, so his room looked baren on this day of celebrating the change of annual counts together.

The living room had already been cleared out enough to have them all easily take place, in a party that had gone from a few friends to taking along more friends, and with Jeno leaving the country in two weeks, it was also partly a farewell for him. He would be spending the last days at his parents’, with Jaemin’s and Hyuck’s bickering and worrying, and his suitcases open so he could always put in what he had forgotten or pull out what he needed for another moment or two. Just for today he would take a break.

He dropped his last set of clothes into his suitcase and headed outside. The heavenly smell of food greeted him thanks to Jaemin and Taeyong standing in the kitchen, preparing something for them to eat before the first guests would arrive in under an hour and they’d get drowned in alcohol. On the couch, Donghyuck was shamelessly misusing Jeno’s Switch to play with volume up on the highest level but the actual worst might be Jaehyun waiting at the dining table, scrolling through his phone. When he looked up, though, he looked like a kicked puppy. “Yongie-hyung, they’re growing up so fast…”

How exactly Taeyong managed to hear the younger over the sizzling of fat in a pan would remain a mystery to Jeno, but his brother very well did. Blame it on being surrounded by noise in the studio all day either way. “You went away in your second year, too. You have no right to complain!”

Jeno, though, considered whether he’d have a right to complain, considering Jaehyun trapped him in an embrace on the way to the kitchen, starting a dozen questions and asking for a hundred promises. The most endearing of those must be the one where the older asked him to visit his parents on holidays, since they always went to Connecticut for two or three weeks each year. It would be another change of pace once he was there, something more to experience, regardless of Jeno not yet having met the Jungs personally. If they raised their son well like this, he thought they must be quite nice people. 

Dinner passed just like that, with easy banter, with his friends getting an good terms fast, and before he realized, Jeno was cleaning the kitchen to the background noise of people filing into their apartment. More and more alcohol was put into their fridge or kitchen counter and in between all this mess, he found it easy to forget about his impending homesickness. Jaemin clinging to him was a good enough distraction, too, despite being handed one drink after another by the younger who simply seemed to thrive on the party attention.

Hyuck was already lost to the crowd but being a people’s person, Jeno couldn’t hold that against his other friend. There were countless new people to meet and talk to, about half whom Jeno didn’t even know the name, maybe recognized them from those times when he had met Taeyong on campus during his high school days. Some from his brother’s work, if he didn’t mix up the names, and a few people who had been dragged along by them or their friends.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me behind,” Jaemin wailed into his shoulder. His best friend might have taken it the worst, more so than Jaehyun or Doyoung. Hyuck might as well have thrown a party about him leaving, about the chance to see the world and experience it. It was a unique chance, no matter what all he’d have to leave behind.

“I’ll miss you too, Jaems.” Gently he patted his hand against the arm wrapped around his waist. Jaemin had been clingy for days. Would be for as long as he didn’t pass the airport gates. They had spent so many years together, already that one month in Canada had been straining. There simply was a distinct difference between knowing your friend was a one-hour train ride away or halfway across the globe. “We can still call each other. Live the long distance relationship romance story you love to read about.”

“Is that you saying you love me?” The younger cooed so awfully affectionate, under any other circumstances it would send the chills down Jeno’s spine. Not currently, not when he knew their remaining time was limited.

Rather than expressing it verbally, he shrugged his shoulders. He had never been that good at being too open with his emotions, liked to express them in little gestures. Like an expensive silver watch around a tender wrist. Jaemin still understood him, always had, and easily allowed them to return to the party mood.

Under the given circumstances, Jeno wasn’t even surprised to find Jaemin hammered before midnight, leaning against the table and still managing to nearly fall over. It would have him laughing if he weren’t a bit worried, and with care he maneuvered the younger into his room. A bottle of water and snacks later, Hyuck had joined them too, and the bed seemed weirdly contrasting the mood within these four walls. It was the only space that actually looked lived in, when nearly everything but his technological equipment already being put away into boxes and suitcases.

“Will you even be coming back for a visit?” Donghyuck suddenly asked, one of the few questions they hadn’t yet sorted out. It startled Jeno, because he hadn’t even considered, and by the way his face dropped when remembering the flight ticket prices, his friend must have the answer themselves. “Oh god… how am I going to survive all of this boy’s stupidity if you’re away…” Dramatically, the golden boy fell into his lap, gladly ignoring the protests from Jaemin’s side about having the better grades between the two of them.

Considering their bicker, and the loud chatting from outside, it should be nearly impossible to hear the knocking on his door. Jeno, too, realized only belatedly, merely so catching on the entrance giving way to Renjun asking, “Hey! Taeyong-hyung wanted to ask wheth...er…” The older boy’s voice gave up and, following his line of sight to the many moving boxes in the corner, Jeno realized why.

Less than any verbal statement, it was the confusion written all over the pretty face he had been busy staring at and memorizing to perfection for almost three years now. The way dainty fingers slightly slipped from their hold on the door handle. Because Renjun didn’t know. By whatever unlucky circumstances, Renjun was the only one who hadn’t caught on to the news.

Donghyuck, still resting in his lap, must have caught on to his tension and then the situation, for the boy easily rolled off his legs, allowing the room owner to get up. Silently, he might point out, and it only took him approaching the older for Renjun to snap out of his daze and look at him curiously. “You’re moving out? Did you find a new apartment or-”

“Canada,” Jeno interrupted. Better rip the band-aid off fast. “Then the states. I’ll do my Master’s in Chicago and…” Slowly he trailed off, taking in the hurt that flashed in those pretty orbs for all of a moment. A second of understanding. Then disappointment. “I thought you knew… Johnny-hyung-”

“I am not my boyfriend,” Renjun said with a bit more spite than necessary. “You’re always doing this to me. You’re going somewhere and I’m always the last one to know for whatever reason. Is this what you think a friendship is supposed to be?”

“Ya!” Jaemin interrupted from behind them, perched on Jeno’s bed and attentively following their attention. Donghyuck seemed to thrive on the drama but Jaemin had never been someone to take either of them getting threatened well. A wolf protecting its cubs. “You can’t blame him, Injunnie. Jeno’s been busy for weeks now and considering he’s staying with the Suhs, you might as well have known.”

For a moment, Renjun glared at the innocent involved behind them. Trust in Jaemin to break about anyone into forgiveness, though, for the older’s eyes softened in moments. Without further ado, Renjun stepped into the room and closed the door behind himself, shutting out some more of the noise as he, too, made his way over to the bed to settle down. “So… America, huh?”

“Johnny-hyung’s dad works at the university,” Jeno muttered slowly, “They’re looking for some help in the department come August and that will help lower my study costs. The exchange program will also cover some and- That’s probably not really interesting…” Because all three of his friends looked at him, and Hyuck’s gaze gave away his non-interest quite well. “I’ll be staying at Mark’s until then. Get my English polished and help out at auntie’s flower shop since they’re letting me stay with them just like that…” Without the work and its distraction, he might also be going crazy from having nothing to do. Not something he’d mention now, of all times. 

Silence settled between them, the topic always making them a bit somber. Jeno was aware, not only thanks to Taeyong’s or Mark’s reassurance, that this would do him well, to get some distance and garner some new experience. At the same time, it was a bit heartbreaking. Jaemin and Hyuck might still only be a call away but calling was all they could do. No matter what a rollercoaster of happiness and cruelty being with Renjun was, the older would no longer be able to chase after him to keep their feeble friendship afloat. 

A lot of things would change, and he was not sure he was ready for all these changes yet. Following others had always been a tad easier than making his own way around. Eventually, all birds had to learn how to fly, so maybe the time for him to spread his wings really had come. 

The mood, once again, was turning a bit dull. The fabric of his bed covers felt soft, as he kneaded his hands through it, looking for something to talk about instead. There should be something to talk about, considering they all finished an undergraduate degree now and would ever aim for more or enter into work life already. Well, the answer in his case was obvious. Renjun probably would jump into work now, Jeno hadn’t asked. Hyuck was starting his internship at the hospital soon and Jaemin would further his studies at a slower pace to work as apprentice in a clinic nextby. In theory, a lot of news and updates. In reality, nothing much came to his mind.

“You could visit in Canada,” he finally said, not sure whether it was directed at Renjun solely or his two best friends as well. He was more at ease with his aunt, uncle and cousin around, inviting people was easier than asking them over to the Suhs. Albeit the acquainted family didn’t feel like solely friends at this point, asking over Johnny’s boyfriend to Johnny’s parents without Johnny around would be weird. “I’ll be staying there until the end of July and then fly to Chicago so…”

“Jeno!” Jaemin gasped, perfectly faking feeling touched, while at the same time Donghyuck exclaimed, “Fucker! Think we can afford a flight ticket just like that?” Then, the two proceeded to enter a stare off, easily breaking the atmosphere into a lighter one.

From next to him, Renjun soothingly patted a hand against his thigh, fingers circling around his knee to rub at it. Similar to the way the older played with his hair, it was soothing. For a moment Jeno wondered whether Renjun had even noticed the healthier state of his black mass, now that all the dyed strands had been grown out, the natural smoothness back to it. Like a little secret, a message just between the two of them, the Chinese muttered, “You’ll do fine, Jeno. Just don’t forget about us all, okay?”

“I won’t.” He smiled softly, at the same time as the echo of fireworks exploding resounded even in the room. A bit surprised he looked at the clock hung up next to the window, realizing it was already midnight. A new number to add to their dates. “Happy New Year’s…”

Jaemin followed his sight, noticing the time, too, and once he did, they were already buried beneath his body in an eager embrace. This was better than any farewell party in the living room ever could be. It wasn’t the first time he started the new year with his friends, but a first with Renjun. Unfortunately, it might also be the last.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


A yawn escaped his lips as Jeno stretched over his chair, the backrest easily giving way to his weight as he leaned into it heavily. It was barely five in the apartment, which would mean the end of his day in a more regular office job. In his case, it meant another good hour of work, made up of a meeting and skimming through the PDF on his screen and that was without working overtime. 

Like having read his thoughts, a message popped up on his phone screen. Jaemin’s username and a threat of “Don’t you dare stay longer!! We have a date!!” that the younger surely would realize if only Jeno decided to cancel their gym plans again. 

It had been a relief for him, when he had come back to Seoul three years ago, and found little to nothing had changed. Jaemin was still Jaemin, a well licensed physiotherapist working in a quite well known practice, a bit calmer, energy put into gym dates with Jaehyun that Jeno easily joined in on by signing up to the same club they frequented. Donghyuck was working his ass off in the same hospital since his internship and cursing out overly pretentious doctors day in day out. His brother had become more and more known within the music industry and worked on some quite big songs by now but remained the same worried lovely neat freak deep within.

“Jeno!” His superior called for him in the passing. Their office wasn’t the biggest, and wanting to go from the separate bureau to the meeting room meant Taeil always got to catch a look of them and collect them like chips in a shopping basket for the discussions with outsiders. Today just happened to be Jeno’s day.

“Coming,” he called out, barely so managing to hide another yawn behind his hand. Another quick sip of coffee, cup held in one hand, while with the other he reached for his files to skim through on the few feet he needed to cross to the extra room. Overall, he knew everything there was to know. 

The impending talk was about a book he had proposed after receiving the English version prior to publication from another company in the States. Following the always same pattern, he’d introduce the book to his superior, Taeil, and their boss, discuss the pro and cons, and the latter would decide whether they’d publish it. That part was the biggest hurdle. After would be easy, the attendant PR representative, graphic designer and translator would discuss the details and then everyone would jump into work. Subsequently, he’d wait for the respective teams to finish up, look for other new projects to propose, and when the translations were done, he’d have to give it the final touch before it’d go into publishing. 

It was always the same process but the people taking part in each project varied, and he’d rather not embarrass himself by not familiarizing himself with them. Public relations had sent the same female staff as the last time, something that put him at ease; she was nice, working with her was easy, and his wishes were easily put to work. The department in charge of translations had sent another figure, which might possibly end up in frustrations for both sides. He had liked working with Wendy who was already used to his every tic and easily able to recreate the mood he had been looking for. 

The biggest surprise, though, was reading the name of the graphic designer in charge of this project. Their publishing company had no fixed design unit, meaning they always took freelancers in. “To have a greater variety in our designs,” Taeil had once quoted their boss on that, and looking at the many different book covers printed and framed against their walls, Jeno definitely understood where their employer came from. The repertory of differences was appealing. Only the name printed in that specific line was not one he had expected to see again.

Hwang Injun.

His heart stopped a beat. It must have been years since he last heard that name. One part of the reason he had moved to North America for two and a half years to forget about his worries had ended in effectively cutting off the feelings attached to this name. Now he had to wonder whether they had actually been eliminated or merely been buried under a pile of studies, a new experience of freedom, and short-lived affairs. For the moment he read that name it felt like getting thrown six years into the past.

Having a truck running him over must be more comfortable than being confronted with his forgotten yearning, and as he looked up at the call of his name, eyes skimming past Taeil, he found Renjun looked the same as back then. Or perhaps it was worse. The other had grown even more beautiful.

The chubby cheeks of youth had been replaced with more defined cheekbones. Innocent eyes had caught a glimpse of maturity. Dainty fingers were still the same, slender and elegant, skimming across silver metal. The watch he had bought one winter’s day was still in place, the same few square inches he had claimed as his since back then. 

In the middle of their meeting room sat the same Hwang Injun, same Huang Renjun, same Renjunnie he had spent his first three years of university with. The boy who had stolen his heart in such guileless manner. The boy he hadn’t seen in years. Who had now turned into a beautiful man, maybe more dangerous than before, and for one seemingly everlasting second Jeno feared for his heart all over again.

Renjun, too, seemed to be surprised at seeing him. It made Jeno wonder whether Renjun wasn’t the same as him, familiarizing himself with the content of their work rather than who was behind it because they had done the same with every assignment received in their first year. Before they had realized they got better grades from adjusting to their lecturers’ opinions.

The chair legs scratched awfully across the floor as the Chinese got up with a bit of a startle, and from his peripheral vision Jeno could see Taeil watch them with a mixture of surprise and intrigue. Understandably so. About anyone encountering them in a situation like this must feel the same way. 

It took them a bit too long to fumble for words, too flabbergasted with the unprecedented situation, that his boss had already entered the room and settled down before Jeno got further than parting his lips for words that were yet to come. He threw one last hesitant glance at his- what were they even now? Friends? Acquaintances? Either way, it was a matter he had to, yet again, push aside in favor of focussing on his presentation in regards to this project.

The book was quite interesting, a love story told in an unconventional way, familiar plot points that were twisted in a curious way, and like that the classic romance novel received a touch of humor here, of horror there, and would captivate about any reader involved. Already before it had been a project he had very much been involved in but as he caught another glimpse of Renjun listening attentively, he felt like there was one more reason added to this equation now.

  


  


“Hey,” Renjun asked once their session had been closed, the book approved, Renjun hired, all good. Except for if Jeno’s heart had to be inspected by a doctor at this current moment. “A word?”

Momentary, Jeno looked over to his superior in the door. Taeil gave him a contemplative look, then a nod, and ushered the people out of their office space. Being stuck in a glass cube with the curtains parted wasn’t exactly the ideal of privacy but the most they’d get to have around here. 

Once again it felt awkward between them, and he a bit too tired to have this conversation while standing up so Jeno dropped his frame back into the chair he had occupied until some moments prior. Renjun, too, settled down but not on a chair, leaned against the table with his hips instead, allowing Jeno to take him in better once again.

Graphic designers certainly enjoyed a different level of freedom based on the silvery grey hair framing his face. It was a funny contrast, considering Renjun hadn’t dared his hair a single time during their shared university days whilst Jeno had run around in platinum and honey blond. Now they were the exact opposite of each other. 

The older still had the same lean figure as then but whereas then it had looked a bit scrawny, a fawn not yet grown into the instability of its legs, it looked more elegant now. A new layer of attractiveness, the hidden appeal of a riper age, and it itched in Jeno’s fingers to trace his fingers across the vastly familiar flesh, compare it to the far away memory of thin yet hardened dancer legs. Even his waist was the same, the lower cut jeans not enough to conceal the dip of his sides sufficiently, and Jeno was reminded of how easy it had been again and again to throw his arm around Renjun’s waist. How easily it fit into his embrace. Only for Renjun to be pulled from his arms right after.

Looking a bit more carefully, though, he could see the signs of nervousness that were haunting him, too. His fingers playing with the sleeves of his dress shirt, Renjun’s curling around the edge of the table. His own legs tense, Renjun’s feet tapping against the ground restlessly. Once again his eyes caught onto the watch around the older’s wrist. “You’re still wearing that?”

“Hm?” A bit surprised Renjun first looked at him, then down at the watch around his wrist. “Oh… Yeah. Johnny-hyung gifted me one too but… Yeah, it’s yours.” As if it was something to be hidden away. Perhaps it was, considering it had been gifted by a friend who hadn’t put an effort priorly but compared to the present of an ex it must still seem like the nicer option overall. 

Personally, Jeno had never been the best at confronting problems like these. Already in school had he been happy for having friends like Jaemin and Hyuck who had built bridges for him to connect from his own shyness to other people. And while he had gotten better on that in terms of professional work, it was hard on the private level, effectively showing now. Just this time Renjun was not someone he could run from, the project had been approved and they would need to work together up to at least a handful more times. Eventually, the awkwardness would only drag them down.

Nervously, he licked his lips, then blurted out, “You want to go for a drink sometime?” Which, great job, Jeno, was definitely the way to go about this. A bit embarrassed he lowered his head. “I mean, to catch up and all. I’d ask you for dinner today but Jaemin will have my ass if I postpone our time out once more so-”

“I get it,” Renjun smiled, softly, tender, and so very understanding. Always so understanding. It was, in the same way as years ago, affecting Jeno’s heart painfully. “You’re a busy man still, Lee Jeno. But if you try to stall me again, remember that I now know where to find you.”

The teasing tone felt like a relief. It meant they were on good terms, maybe on the same page as they had abandoned their story with an open end. A story that might finally get a closing.

“How does Saturday sound?” He tried immediately, already reaching for his phone only to realize he had left it behind at his desk. Instead, he received Renjun’s with the new contact page open for him to type his information in. He saved it, called himself, watched his phone go off on his workspace.

“Pick me up at eight.” Easy as it seemed to be, the artist plucked his phone out of Jeno’s hands, and collected his bag and materials. “I’ll text you my address.”

“It’s a date,” Jeno smiled, only to realize one second later what he just had said. Heat crept up his neck immediately, and he was about to curse himself out for being dumb and having returned to his prior state of idiotically yearning for the older.

Only his apology died on his tongue as Renjun stopped at the door and gave him a satisfied grin. “Bring flowers then.” And just like that, he was gone again. This time, though, it didn’t have the bile rise up high in Jeno’s throat, he didn’t need to feel bad for flirting - did this count as flirting already? - with his friend’s boyfriend because they were no longer a thing. Instead, a thousand butterflies had replaced his guts, giving him the shimmies.

Oh, Jaemin would have a field trip with this...

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


“Ya! Lee Jeno!” Renjun yelled from behind him, voice easily piercing through the skating hall, shamelessly loud as if there weren’t countless people around them, too. Actually countless people, for this did not only concern the skating rink but all the other floors of the Lotte complex too. 

The older was straining to keep up with him, so eventually, Jeno decided to cut him some slack. Renjun was better at skating than he had thought, and his plans of dragging the older around and impress him a bit had easily changed into teasing his date a bit, always skidding across the frozen surface in a certain distance ahead, more leisure than his partner.

When he had been in Chicago, he had actually tried it for the first time and figured it was more fun than he had priorly anticipated. Ice skating had then changed to normal skating, and nowadays Jaemin and him squeezed that into their schedule every here and there, between biking and normal gym hours. It had been much to his relief that their interests had still coincided years later.

But all of that was wiped from his mind as he turned around, and immediately had an upset Renjun crashing into him. A few seconds of clumsy balancing and Jeno desperately trying not to fall over as they found a rhythm to move in, and they were able to pull off the skating together while caught in a loose embrace. Lack of distance between them not only had his heart beat faster but also allowed him to take in all of Renjun’s features all over again. At the rate he was going, the ease with which he was able to spend moments to minutes just watching, he was certain there wouldn’t be a time he wouldn’t be lured in by the older.

Like a magnet, attracted to its negative, he was pulled in again and again. Years apart were not enough to undo this string held in the other’s hand, wrapped around his heart tightly, and in the end it would only be Renjun’s own acts that would have him trapped again or set him free once and for all.

“Hey, hey! Careful, we’ll-” The artist’s panic halted suddenly the moment Jeno collided with the railing cutting of the ice rink from the outside. It ached a bit, admittedly, but not sufficiently to pull his attention away from the smaller in his arms.

In the beginning of the week, when he had met with Jaemin, he had spent the whole of their gym time to discuss the matter and the situation with his friend. When he had gone overseas, it hadn’t taken him a long time to come clean to his two friends. Weeks after his arrival, he had written a length letter explaining the situation in a more detailed manner, that he needed the distance not only to add some beauty to his resume. It had been a time of healing for himself, and that time, as he had thrown himself into his studies, it had been at a healthier pace. Not to evade others but because he had fallen in love with literature all over again, gotten a better look at what he wanted to do and achieve.

Considering that, his best friend had more or less given him the go. Because he wasn’t the same lovesick Jeno anymore who had been desperately balancing on the line between wanting more and having to guard his own heart. Because there was less at a risk now. Naturally, dating your friend’s ex wasn’t the smartest decision in life and he wouldn’t hold it against Johnny to be upset with him later on. But he had held back for years, had reigned his own wishes in, and now he had a chance at luck. He wasn’t dumb enough to want to waste it.

Jaemin, always better at reading him than he had been himself, had thrown one lengthy look at him as they headed to the dressing rooms, and told him, “If your heart managed to hold out for him all this time, he might just be the one for you, Nono. The One. So if he hurts you knowingly this time, I won’t ever forgive him. Got that?”

He must be quite masochistic to think that getting hurt by Renjun again might be quite worth it. He also noticed the looks thrown their direction, two guys in a rather intimate embrace against the railing, and it wasn’t yet enough to stop him from raising his hand and caressing the older’s cheek carefully. “You’ve become prettier, Renjun.”

Beneath his fingertips he felt the heat of embarrassment rather than seeing it in the form of an evident blush. “Idiot...” Renjun huffed, and pushed himself off. He stuttered slightly as he slid back but caught his weight well enough to be able to join the one-way traffic of skaters alone. 

For another moment, Jeno looked after him with a bit of surprise on his features, watched grey hair disappear amidst black tresses. That alone was enough for him to chase after Renjun in a way he had never allowed himself to during their university days, until eventually he could catch the older’s hand and tag him along instead. Just being like that, he considered forwarding their date by a few hours was worth it, not only because he got to spend more than a dinner’s worth of time with the Chinese but because they could enjoy a leisure activity like this in a way Jeno had never dared to before.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


“That looks pretty promising,” Jeno reasoned as he looked over Renjun’s shoulder. By instinct, his fingers found their way to grey strands of hair only to a second later realize what he was doing. Before he could pull away, the older had wrapped his fingers around his wrist, pushing his hand further into the dyed strands, and not even Jeno was on the level not to get that kind of hint. Imitating what the other had always done to him before, his scratched at his skin softly and allowed his digits to skim through the strands carefully.

Originally, considering it was a Friday and he had less work those days, he had wanted to treat Renjun to a meal during his lunch break. In lieu of that, the artist had offered to come over to discuss the first draft for the book cover while eating together. Not exactly the kind of offer Jeno was willing to turn down, regarding how serious he was about his work. All the more so because Renjun had offered to cook them a meal in the evening as long as Jeno was willing to drive him home.

It wasn’t that extraordinary for them to easily go with such pace. Mutual trust had been built years ago and despite years of radio silence, Jeno reasoned some things just couldn’t be erased. Dancing around each other awkwardly during first dates, not sure what the other liked and disliked, where the lines they shouldn’t cross were located at, all that was not effective in their case. Instead, it was all about relearning what had once been known, replacing old information with new one and building a new base with this.

To Jeno, it had always been about the little things. Like the way Renjun would throw his head back still when seriously pondering over something, be it something harmless as having to decide on a favorite fruit or more serious matters as was considering the color scheme for the book cover. The difference that was watching Renjun draw on a sketchpad as they sat in the university library or on an iPad as they were sat in the mostly empty office space with almost everyone else gone on lunch break, when it wasn’t him playing footsie but playing with the older’s hair instead.

“You’re obligated to say that,” the Chinese pointed out without ever stopping his pen as it skidded across the glassen surface. When Jeno released a prompting little hum, Renjun elaborated, “You’re wooing me. You can’t criticize me.”

A bit roughly the reader pulled at the dyed strands. Much to his shock, though, the older released a soft moan at the action that resonated a bit too clearly throughout the mostly empty room. Across the tables, Jungwoo threw them a warning look. Too late to prevent a bit of heated blood to race down his body and pool warmly in the low of his center.

Renjun, too, halted in his movements for a bit in surprise of his own reveal. Wanting to relieve the tension a bit, Jeno was quick to scold softly, “Huang Renjun, if you think I’d lie about work because of personal matters, you’re quite mistaken.”

Jeno nearly missed it when the Chinese muttered, “Wouldn’t be the first time…” Contrary to the artist, it wasn’t enough to stop him in his ministrations but it did do something to his heart, and his mind alike. Now he couldn’t help wonder how much the older had actually caught on to in those years before that were inevitably interwoven to their current story.

  


  


It was already dark outside by the time Jeno lowered his chopsticks for good. Renjun’s cooking had only improved over the years and the meal that had been conjured had been beautifully satisfying. Add to that the warmth spreading throughout his body thanks to the drinks they had along with dinner and it felt like a perfectly wholesome repast. 

The older’s home was perfectly cozy, furniture kept in natural earth tones in just the perfect mixture of modern and classic. There were different pieces of art hung up around the walls, ranging from simple pencil sketches over aquarelle to oil paintings, in varying sizes they made up one impressive mosaic of improvement and variety. Looking at them felt like tracing the evolution of artistry the creator had gone through, each of them never losing that certain touch that was irrevocably Renjun.

By a stretch, they weren’t nearly as interesting as his opposite still picking at small bites of the side dishes, as if it was done subconsciously, something to keep him busy. It was an adorable sight, resembling working times, when he had chewed gum and blown bubbles while working on the layout that would need to be finished up by the time Jeno was done revising the translated version of the book and ready for print around those days it would be published in its country of origin so the gap between the dates of publishing wasn’t too drastic.

Throughout the years, and thanks to all the connections he had made not only during his time of staying in America, with fellow students who had entered publishing houses like him, but also thanks to his fluency in the language. It had propelled their own company forward by a notch in terms of outdoing other names who lacked the same eloquence. 

Earlier, too, he had sneaked glances at the other who had set up his little area in a sick colleague’s workspace, nearby his own table. A bit too distracting and motivating at once. The thought of having dinner together had been enough to have him to focus on work a bit more so he could finish in time and not force Renjun to wait on him.

Nevertheless, it hadn’t been enough to entirely sidetrack him from those words that had slipped the artist’s lips. During their first date, they had mostly talked about what they had been up to in all those years. About his making a lot of new experiences in Vancouver and Chicago, how he had grown to treasure flowers and plants more after he had learned about them in his aunt’s store, how homesick and lonely he had felt at times because nobody had come to visit him except for Taeyong once, how alienated he had felt surrounded by American culture at times.

In return, Renjun had mentioned about slowly falling out of contact with Jaemin and Donghyuck despite his best attempts, that most of his fellow Chinese students had moved back to their home country, the challenges that had come along with entering the freelance market after working at a company part-time that had asked too much of him. It went unsaid that he had needed to rely on Johnny a lot but the circumstances of their break-up remained a mystery to Jeno until now. He only knew the older had returned to America a year or so ago for a job offer; every other detail had ominously been swallowed up by the stress of that. And with time, Jeno simply hadn’t dared to ask anymore.

“Renjun,” he finally tried softly, when his host, too, lowered his chopsticks in finalization of his meal. “Before… You said something that won’t leave my mind so-”

“Let’s clean up first.” The older got up, a signal easy enough to pick up on, regardless of how it irked Jeno. Believe it or not, it had taken him a deliberate time to garner enough bravery to bring up that kind of topic and to just have it brushed off like that… With a sigh, he ditched the idea of protesting in favor of helping out, carrying the dirty plates into the kitchen for Renjun to store away the leftovers, until everything was cleared and cleaned and only their drinks left for them to down.

For a change of scene, Renjun lead him to the main room, a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf parting the room into living and sleeping area, glimpses of the bed to be caught between the art utensils stuffed onto the wooden boards. Behind a curtain on the opposite wall must be what he reasoned to be the closet, an area too private for him to want to pry just yet. 

Dating, funnily enough, felt too new to him. Between being hung up on Renjun, moving to another continent, and settling down back in Korea, he had had sufficient enough flings, and Hyuck had tried to set him up on one or another blind date. In the aftermath, it seemed blatantly obvious why he hadn’t been able to get serious about that: He had never been able to draw a closing line on his heart’s matter with Renjun. 

The couch seemed a bit too inviting, perfectly soft and allowing Jeno to sink into it as he sat down. Unfortunately, it were his work clothes that prevented him from being too comfortable. Slacks and dress shirts simply weren’t made to be at ease at all times.

Before he could start again and pick up on the topic Renjun had preached earlier, he already felt himself to be cornered by the older. With an ease and naturalness that shouldn’t be considered legal, Jeno found himself with a handful of Chinese beauty straddling his lap. Painfully close and too tempting to push away. 

“I’m sorry,” Renjun mumbled, words weighing heavy in the little space between them. Artistic fingers played with short black hair and with every following word the older only seemed to lean in further, “I should have rejected you back then, when I first realized your heart. But I was childish and naive and I thought you liking me charming. It gave me an ego trip at times and had me pity you at others. I was selfish, wanted you to want me and keep looking at me. Like that. Like you do now and-”

Liquid courage. That was how the Dutch had called Gin in long ago times. They would take a swig from the flask before battle and whilst Jeno didn’t want to rely on alcohol to make his decision, the moment he felt Renjun’s lips against his, he couldn’t deny there was truth to those words. Alcohol was liquid courage. Enabled him to kiss the older.

Those words hurt, more than a burning dagger to the heart, more than getting skinned alive. Pain he was used to, was something he could bear. The maddening desire overcoming him the closer Renjun was to him not. Greed soared through his bloodstreams until he couldn’t bear anymore, and the frustration he had felt with Renjun’s words piercing him like a dozen frozen swords was expressed in the bruising aggression of their lipslock instead.

Easily, all too easily, the older went pliant in his arms, pressed closer, until Jeno wasn’t anymore sure where he began and Renjun ended. All he could focus on was the everlasting scent of vanilla and tea slightly outshadowed by the odor of cooking that was a proving reminder of the older’s steady dedication. 

“Don’t stop” - Renjun tried to squeeze in between their kisses, and with every breath that wasn’t spent connected, Jeno only grew more vigorous - “looking at me… like that… ever.”

If he could have, Jeno would have stopped long ago. A confession he wasn’t willing to make just yet, not that easily, not when he felt like he was thrown around again. Trapped with his every limb in a piercing trap, his heart in the artist’s hand for nearly a decade now. On the contrary, he wasn’t above asking for pain in return, fingers digging into the smaller’s back harshly in a need to both pull him closer and leave his traces behind. 

More than moments and less than hours passed until he felt his aggression melt away, slowly coaxed out of him by Renjun’s lips who had taken his feelings like a punching bag to hit. One too many times he had bit down on the other’s small lips, until the skin had torn at one point. That alone was enough to make him stop that very action, not wanting to leave lasting wounds he felt Renjun was all too willingly accepting. 

By the time he found himself stopping, he had already fallen back on the couch. Breathing heavily, Jeno dropped his head back and closed his eyes, looking to replenish his lungs with all the oxygen they had missed out on. Regardless of that he didn’t allow the older to pull away, tightened his hold on Renjun’s waist instead to make sure not even a single sheet of paper would fit in between them, until even the buttons of their shirts would have left bruises on each other.

Renjun’s breath was hot from where it collided with his neck, hair tickling away at his chin, and without looking Jeno was certain they looked like a mess, resembling horny teenagers more than responsible adults in their current state now. It had been a while since he had last felt like this, perhaps it had never been there before, this unyielding urge to devour the smaller entirely, leave his traces and reminders until he was all Renjun could think off.

“I’m really sorry,” the artist started again, and this time Jeno didn’t have the energy to protest, to shut the older up. “But… I don’t regret it. I know I must have caused you a lot of pain before to the point of driving you away and still… I must be a monster to take delight from you still looking at me like that, not?”

Such question was not one Jeno found himself able to answer. Between the two of them, between desiring another’s man and not setting a caged heart free, between desperately trying to get away and selfishly tightening the leash, Jeno was not certain where to draw the line and where it was washed away, like a futile attempt of drawing in sand that was kissed by the waves again and again. 

At those times he was not able to express his grief in words, he found non verbal reassurance the most soothing. At this moment of not knowing how to mollify Renjun, he allowed his actions to speak up instead. With fingers carefully skidding along the length of the smaller’s back, tracing the line of his spine and playing with dyed hair until even the last trace of tension was gone from the Chinese’s turning pliant body.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


“I’ll kill that bastard! I swear to the gods and Taeyong-hyung, I’ll-” 

Barely so Jeno managed to press the stop button on his treadmill as he stumbled off it and throw his arm around Jaemin to pull his best friend into a tight hold. That was the kind of reaction he should have, and did in fact, anticipate, he merely had anticipated the younger to be wiser than to jump off the machine mid-run. “Jaemin,” he hissed lowly, already feeling uncomfortable with the looks they received from people he was vaguely familiar with from attending the gym at the same times on a regular, “Calm down!”

“How am I supposed to calm down when that fucker fucking knew?!” Despite the strong hold around his waist, the physiotherapist thrashed around. It was hard to keep him down even for Jeno because, when it came down to it, they possessed similar strength still. The most he could do was push them towards the nearby mats to stumble down and roughhouse around for a moment.

Definitely not how they should behave when they were approaching the end of their twenties but Jeno gave them the benefit of doubt for the moment of agitation. Or several moments. It took a while until Jaemin had calmed down sufficiently for them to just stay resting on the ground for a bit. The ceiling lights were blinding so the reader decided to close his eyes and cover them with his arm. 

He should feel guilty, right at this moment. With work having picked up again, it had been over a week since he spent the evening at Renjun’s and since then he hadn’t met the artist, not even for the book that was going into the final stages. Instead of spending time with Renjun he was working out with Jaemin and spilling what had happened after having turned and twisted the replay in his mind too many times already.

On the other hand, he reasoned, Renjun would already be used to him skipping out on their meetings under the excuse of work because he had done it for years already before. Only now he had a way better reason to do that than wanting to run from the other. This time, there was actual work in the way that was adding to his already messy thoughts.

“But he did tell me…” He protested weakly. Immediately, he could feel Jaemin’s heated gaze directed at him, making him feel smaller than he was. Made him feel like back then, truthfully, when he had easily bent this way and that to comfort with Renjun despite his own anguish. “Doesn’t him coming clean with me mean anythin- Wait, ow, ow!”

Curse Jaemin and his hands used to rubbing away at people’s pain, those slaps fricking hurt wherever his calloused palm met with Jeno’s chest. “You’re even more of an idiot than you were back then! Idiot!” The younger huffed, and as Jeno sneaked a glance over this time, he could see Jaemin had already sat up. “For how long are you willing to go along with whatever Renjun says, Jeno? Don’t you think you’re too old for blindly crushing on him?”

“It’s because I’m not blindly-” He cut himself off, then released a heavy breath. Since he was already on the ground, he might as well make use of that. Swiftly he rolled onto his front and pushed his body into a planking position. “I’ve been unable to abandon my feelings for him for ten years, Nana. Don’t you think it’s a good chance to finally get closure? He’s single, I can shoot my shot. If it doesn’t work out, at least I know and I’ll be able to move on.”

Talking and doing planks at the same time had been easier before. The strain felt relieving though, being able to put his body at work and distract him from his racing thoughts was what he usually needed at times like these.

“I’m worried about what happens if you can’t move on, you idiot,” Jaemin huffed. It was a fimble line Jeno was toeing in this persuasion, knowing his best friend spoke in his best interest and out of worry, and being aware of the lasernet he was willingly stepping into trying not to get caught a few moments in.

“Move on from whom?” A familiar voice picked up on their talk, making the editor involuntarily groan. Jaehyun was about the last person he needed right now when he already had one overprotective Jae hot on his tails. Then again, Jaehyun was more involved with this mess than them for the older was keeping up contact with Johnny better than any of them, and had observed more of their relationship than either of the same aged friends. It would turn into a battle of interest, but Jaemin seemed less hesitant about risking that.

“Renjun,” the therapist easily spoke up, at least excluding the strain in his voice that came from doing the planks for what must have been more than two minutes now. Goodbye those times when they had easily held out for five minutes and more in their youth. “Jeno is going out with Renjun.”

“Junnie?” The older repeated in surprise. Suddenly Jeno felt glad his current position forbid him from looking up at the businessman, afraid of what kinds of feelings he’d be faced with. “Johnny’s ex Junnie?” 

“Don’t know any other Renjuns.” Slowly, his muscles began locking up in all the best ways. Not enough to feel them the day after but enough to feel the strain evidently. 

Jaehyun released a low hum at that, surely working his smart business brain to calculate the possibly best outcome in this kind of situation. “Hyung isn’t in the country anymore so what’s stopping you?”

“That that jerk has been knowing trampling across Jeno’s heart ever since they met,” Jaemin pressed out, and Jeno felt the slightest bit of glee knowing they were at the same stage of exhaustion despite the younger having started later than him. Call it childish, he still got a thrill out of beating his best friend in sports. 

The silence felt oppressive and considering he had already spent a good time in the same position, Jeno sat up to look at the older. To say Jaehyun looked surprised would be an understatement. Reassuring to know he had been that good at hiding his feelings for such a long time… With a sigh, he put his hands on chest height on the ground and continued to do push ups, trying to work the thoughts out of his brain forcefully.

“Jeno… Ten years is a long time,” Jaehyun started softly. Being so used to Jaehyun being the cold businessman he was at daytime, Jeno sometimes forgot he might be the most loving one out of his friends. It only came up with Disney movie marathons or romance novels or, like, right now. “If you think it’s worth it, you should try it… But this might become more complicated than you think. Hyung and Renjunnie didn’t break up easily so you should prepare for that…”

So even Jaehyun knew. Taeyong probably knew, but his brother had decided on what side to take the day he proposed Jeno should indeed go study abroad, and spend a few extra months there on top. His brother wouldn’t tell him about Johnny or Renjun, intentionally, so Jaehyun mentioning it felt like a punch to the guts. 

He grunted, and pushed into his work-out with more vigor. No reply left his lips because he didn’t know what to do. Jaemin, too, had given his blessings before getting updated. Jaehyun told him to do it but to steel his heart. And eventually it was his chance at a relationship, yet he felt the most clueless out of the three of them.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


There had been a curious row of incidents colliding on this last Friday of the month.

For one, Taeyong had called him in the morning about Renjun, and Jeno had blanched at the realization that, so far, he hadn’t updated his brother on his love life, which had ensued a whole lot of whining and sulking and feeling betrayed because, “I had to know through Jaehyun! Jaehyunnie knew before me!” So that meant he had spent his drive from home to the company on the phone with his brother, explaining everything that had been going on.

Bluntly said, it had felt like a therapy session. Taeyong had always minded the line between wanting Jeno to find back to himself and updating him on their dear friend Johnny in the recent years. Now they were both surprised at the intensity of his feelings that had remained dormant throughout all those years. But Taeyong was also the one who held a lot more strings in his hands than people thought. 

In the few months Jeno had spent preparing for living abroad, his brother had talked with Jaemin, with Donghyuck, with Mark, had carefully observed Jeno’s reactions to Renjun and created an image in his mind that might most resemble Jeno’s own. Their case was less about understanding and more about insight, and now, too, Taeyong had asked for the full story from the beginning. Their second first meeting, their dates, Renjun’s confession, Jeno’s hesitation.

Eventually, when it came down to it, his brother had spoken the most useful and most useless words at once, “Jeno. This is your heart we are talking about. Don’t overthink this, just- If it feels right, do it. If you think he can make you happy, go for him. When it doesn’t work out in the end, hyung will still be here to hug you tightly. Alright?”

And Jeno had wished they could have talked it out further but work was calling for both of them. So he promised to not keep this hidden for any longer and to talk to his brother, along with one of finally going for a meal together, in between their busy schedules.

Secondly, Jeno had nearly forgotten about the last Friday of the month meaning they’d have a company dinner. Or rather office dinner. With how everyone had different projects going on, that sometimes took more, sometimes less time, there was no shared spirit of celebrating the success of finishing one collective thing. At the rate they were going, they’d need to go out for drinks and dinner two or three times a week with such mentality. Instead, it was summarized in one dinner altogether.

Without Taeil’s reminder, he would have likely forgotten until evening when he was dragged away to the nearby restaurant just like that. As it was, his superior had stopped by his desk on his return from the coffee machine and brightly offered, “Why don’t you invite that graphic designer of yours? Haven’t seen him around lately but for someone to move our stoic Jeno’s heart…” Jeno, to himself, thought his boss should stop hanging out with Jungwoo but a point had been made. If even his boss had noticed a different in his treating Renjun from two times seeing them together, didn’t it meant their circumstances must be drastically different to what they had been back then?

Which led to the third incident: him messaging Renjun after mostly radio silence of two weeks. Given their situation, he couldn’t know whether the freelancer was busy at the moment or not, shooting a text in regards of their company dinner seemed like the smartest possible action. Only it ended with the older calling the second literally after and Jeno, in all his surprise, nearly dropped the phone into his coffee mug at that.

“Hey,” he muttered softly as he left his place, giving his opposite a little signal of taking a break before he retreated into their breakroom, pulling the door close behind him.

“Hey,” Renjun breathed silently, little smile audible in his tone. “I thought we would be done with me having to chase after you by now.”

“You didn’t chase me this time.” Jeno felt the slightest hint of triumph for being correct when the older released a little “Touché…” but that was hardly what mattered most now. Having this kind of conversation over the phone wasn’t his prefered course of action, and yet it took only hearing a bit of Renjun’s voice for a spark of bravery to jump his heart into action. “About what you said last week… It gave me a lot to think about and-”

“Don’t,” the older cut him off, quite fast and in an odd mixture of pleading and scolding, “I didn’t tell you to break your little head about the past, and I regret not having further elaborated on that. But, Jeno, back then was back then, and now is now. If you still want this- me, us-” Renjun let out a heavy breath, and the reader readily having him the time to garner his thoughts. “Look, I just thought it to be unfair if I kept this from you this time. We’re older and more mature and I learned from the past so I also want us to stand on even grounds. All that stuff from back then- I mean, it isn’t irrelevant to now but let’s cope with it in our speed, and maybe see how we can go from there?”

It was unusual to hear usually strong Renjun suddenly sound smaller than he was, nearly whispering those words, and so very different from the confident character he had met less than a month ago. To share this sentiment, it came as a relief. And it was nice to know that Renjun, while knowing about the power he had over Jeno, would not abuse it any longer. It was reassuring, and took the boulder weighing him down away. 

“So…” Jeno started a bit slower this time around, nervously licking his lips, “You’re coming today then?”

Softly, like chimes played by the wind, Renjun’s snicker carried through the phone. “Just text me when and where, Lee Jeno. But today, let’s not get too drunk again, alright?”

“Alright,” the editor agreed, his guts turned into a thousand butterflies all over again at the mere thought of meeting Renjun later on. The older merely bid him farewell and that was it, that was their call ending, and Jeno having received the answer to the question that burdened him for days now.

  


  


Ultimately, it was what happened after the company dinner what should be considered the unmatched curious incident of all on this peculiar Friday. Because despite their bodies being pressed close enough for him to feel all of Renjun’s body heat permeating through their clothes, Jeno could, by the heavens, not tell how exactly he had ended up in this familiar apartment, with the smaller lifted up and pressed against the cool metal of his front door, and their lips engaged in a cruel desire to make the other submit.

Renjun was still as light as back then, barely weighed anything to Jeno’s delight. Or maybe the Chinese actually had gained weight because his thighs felt more supple where he dug his fingers into the flesh beneath jeans, still slim and formed by some sort of workout but a pleasing softness of fat that allowed him to grip at with his hands. Balancing that was his own regular workout, and whilst he was so used to the change his body had gone through over the years he had turned blind do it, to Renjun it was news, rewarded with appreciative little noises as slender artist fingers caressed along his shoulders and tensing arms.

“Fuck,” the artist exclaimed while pulling back, head colliding heavily enough with the door to evoke a little sound. Jeno used the chance to allow his lips to travel lower, the perfume of barbecue clinging to exposed skin, sitting next to the heat left it tasting salty, but he didn’t mind. Not when it meant to finally allow his lips to meet places he had never dared think of before. At one particularly sensitive spot, the older released a little whine, and Jeno made use of that, biting and sucking at the same piece of skin to the point Renjun had trouble speaking, “When did you… You were handsome even before but now…”

The fingers squeezing at his arms told Jeno what the other meant, the way their figures had changed. Renjun with his sultry elegance while he kept his muscles hidden beneath slacks and dress shirts. He hadn’t bulked up like some other people, considering he still fit sweats and shirts he bought during university days, rather defined the lines, worked them into impeccable strength that wouldn’t fail holding up Renjun for more than just minutes. And as familiar as he was with his own body, now he just wanted to taste and explore Renjun’s.

“Bedroom?” He asked, words resonating low in his throat for it was the only thing he might get out this night anymore, with the artist’s overwhelming presence right in front of him, begging him to devour whatever his lips touched. This night, he wanted to claim more than a few square inches of where the watch he bought resided. To have all of Renjun, that was what he wanted, what he was aiming for, and even when they had hardly drank anything earlier, courage simmered low in his guts regardless.

“Bedroom,” Renjun agreed equally as breathless, and with that single word he leaned in for another kiss. Overwhelming taste of sweetness, the lingering aroma of food, the sharpness of alcohol and the hint of flavored lip balm, it all came together so effortless, perfect, just impeccably Renjun, and Jeno loved it. Only one month with the older and he was already willing to talk of love, for what else could be enough to keep his heart trapped for nearly a decade.

It was a strain, against his better wishes, to part his lips from Renjun’s again, allowing the older to attack his neck this time while he tried to get him out of their shoes. He must have been crazy, not even having managed to get out of his shoes so far for he was that desperate to get his hands on the older, and now he had to deal with it. Drop Renjun’s, somehow get out of his without ever losing contact with the older, and what felt like too many moments of struggling later, he was finally able to move to the bigger room. Maneuver around the parting book shelf and lower the smaller into the sheets.

A sight to behold, worthy to worship, to pray to, and that was with clothes on. Short silver strands matted and messed up, clothes wrinkled, messed up, too many slivers of revealed skin. “Fuck,” Jeno whispered, mimicking the older earlier, “You’re so gorgeous, Renjun. Unfairly beautiful.”

He was just about to lean in and cage the older against the mattress, when a foot pressed against his thigh stopped him from that. Renjun was breathless, chest heaving up and down, skin flushed and glowing, but the authoritative sense never left his eyes. “Shirt off,” the artist demanded, and who was Jeno to refuse any of those wishes leaving these perfect lips.

With fair certainty, he might have strained the threads connecting the buttons a bit too much, had barely so opened up one or two top and button before pulling the fabric over his head impatiently. Dealing with lousy and replaceable buttons was surely not his top priority with Renjun spread out in front of him like this.

Elbows on the sheets, next to the older, he leaned in until their breaths were mingling, lips nearly touching, and foreign fingers skimming across the lines of his body. Fluid lines of molten lava, they only heated him up more, as much as the appreciation and desire burning in Renjun’s eyes when their gazes met. Yet, when the artist moved up, raising his head for the smallest margin between their lips, he pulled back. 

“Shirt off,” he mimicked the older, once again, fully intentional. His lips moved along the bruises he had left across his throat, kissing each and every of his marks, lapping up the bigger ones as he found his balance without his hands. Easily his fingers pushed beneath the fabric to shove it upwards, until Renjun got the hint to take care of it on his own, and what a blessing it was. 

Rather than the ab lines their gym trio sported, Renjun’s stomach was so much softer, the faint downwards lines speaking equally of some athletic routine as did his shaped thighs. The older’s waist, even back then, had drawn so much of Jeno’s focus. Countless times he had touched it, marveled at his fingers dipping with the curve, had his arm wrapped around the smaller or hugged him close and now, for the first time maybe, he could touch it like this, drawing lines along the bare skin, feeling the curve, the dip, from pelvis to ribs.

He felt more than heard the Chinese taking a shuddering breath, and Jeno gave but a quick glance upwards before he leaned in again. Contrary to their making out, when he had been agitated and upset, he wanted to take his time now, wanted to explore the body that had haunted his dreams in the recent nights until he had tasted everything. 

Love bites were bruising around Renjun’s throat, so that’s where he picked up, tracing down and along the collarbones. From a vast memory, a distant echo, he remembered Johnny had praised them, Renjun had been proud of their prominence, and it was a memory he wanted to override with his own more than anything. 

This was no longer about Johnny. Had been before, when Johnny had been in his current position, but currently it was really the last thing he wanted to remember, those times he had thought dearly of Renjun despite knowing it couldn’t be. Yet here they were. He felt reverent, in front of the one he could not forget.

“Jeno?” The artist softly called, a whisper merely, potent enough to call him back from his thoughts regardless. Like a witch working her spell but Jeno was the one to be enchanted, and the purpose was to land another few kisses against unblemished skin. “Are you okay? We don’t have to-”

“No!” The younger was surprised himself by the vigor with which he shouted, heat creeping up his neck and this time it wasn’t with arousal. “No. I’m just… I never thought I could be like this with you and now…”

“Now you’re here. With me. And I won’t run from you, Lee Jeno, that’s your job,” Renjun joked, teasing him once again like this. He would get mad, too, if it wasn’t unfortunately justified. “Whatever’s bothering you,” the older picked up, dainty fingers driving through black tresses, “don’t think of it. Only think of me. Only look at me.”

With the slightest shift of weight, he pressed their bodies close again, and Jeno barely so started with, “That-” when a moan erupted from the older. By instinct, hips ground up against his thigh, looking for the pleasure he was denying them, and while he had to give it up to Renjun for wanting to delay tonight’s happenings, Jeno didn’t want to. And this, this angelic and ethereal sound, was a perfect reminder for that.

“Was it a while?” He goaded the older, pressing his thigh upwards for bittersweet pressure but, at the same time, he kept the other in place, held onto slender hips to keep them down as he moved his knee depending on how and whether he wanted to. 

For the moment, he remained in position, offering torturous pressure but no relief for the man below, no matter the sweet pleading little noises Renjun released. It didn’t surprise him to feel short nails scratching away at his back already now, before they had properly started, but it was a very Renjun-way to demand for whatever he liked, wanted, prefered. It did little to make Jeno stray from his path of worshipping as many spaces of the younger as he could, lips drawing lower, towards his chest, lapping up the clavicle and decorating it in pretty red teeth marks. When he strayed to the side, he whispered only a hoarse, “Patience, baby.”

Which concluded his intentions, and all the warnings Renjun received, for Jeno’s aim was to make the rosy nipple trapped between his lips as swollen and ruddy as those soft pillowy lips, kissing it and tugging it with his teeth, biting at the areola and leaving more of his marks. Honeyed skin that was little more than a canvas for him to paint his love on, to express it in kisses and bites, until there were red bruises turning purple, until Renjun had to remember him for days. 

One side, then the other, intercostal, along the sides, the soft lines of abdominal muscles, the dips along his pelvis, he marked it up. He wasn’t blind to the desire of the older, the little whines, the way Renjun tried to steer him down further by pressing against his shoulders or attempted to get more freedom by clinging to his wrists, but for another moment he wanted to appreciate the sight of the artist looking like art himself. 

There was a saying people looked the most beautiful but also the most vulnerable at times like these, of increasing sexual pleasure, a moment that was so raw and filled with emotion. Jeno thought even without yet having approached the climax of this evening’s story, Renjun already looked like art. Like a cloudy spring sky with petals dancing through the air, water lilies floating in milky pools, proof of his love blooming on soft skin.

“Gorgeous,” he whispered once again, and used the little moment of verbal distraction, to undo Renjun’s pants and push them down along with his underwear. One by one he freed those slender legs, until there was not a single piece of clothing to hide any of the other’s skin from his sight. 

There was reluctance in starry orbs but knowing Renjun and his desire to appear strong and reliable, someone who got awkward when being made fun of for crying at emotional moments, and looking at the flush decorating his chest, neck and face, Jeno already knew it wasn’t against him. If it were, and the Chinese must know that better than anyone, it would take but a single word for him to back of right now and get a distance between them.

For that reason, he gave Renjun a chance, a few seconds of standstill to make up his mind. When nothing was forwarded, he smiled softly, satisfied, and took advantage of the foot he still held in his hand. Tenderly he pressed a kiss below the ankle, against it and above, making his way along the other’s calf and thigh where the plush flesh allowed him to leave more of his marks. Too far out of reach, the older hadn’t been able to claw his fingers into his shoulders again, rather curled them around the sheets to pull them tight. That was stroking his ego more than anything, to see Renjun battle against losing control. 

It was more satisfying than all his marks, than seeing the physiological reaction from his doings because, awkward as it could be, sometimes a bit of pressure was enough to get any men hard. And after minutes of kissing skin and finding weak spots, it was satisfying to see he already had Renjun leaking a little pool of precum against his stomach, or hear the little hitches in breathing, feel the shudders racing through such lithe body. Having to tear at the sheets to not move his hands elsewhere and get an early finish of their night outdid all of that anyways, told more about how much Renjun enjoyed it than any orgasm ever could. And Jeno wanted to see him crumble like this.

Once more, minutes passed, minutes of Jeno taking his sweet time marking up one leg, then the other, and the longer he went like this, the more he could see little signs of strain depicted by the older. Precum leaked more and more, thighs trembling under his fingers, under his lips. Renjun was growing desperate, and so was he, but years of waiting hardly compared to the sweet pleasure he took from letting the other wait.

His best friends had priorly teased him for the way he wouldn’t cry unless he thought unjust things happened to him. He didn’t cry when his parents redid their marital pledge nor when his other aunt passed away for those were the courses of life. He did cry, though, when he worked his ass of for a project only to have it torn apart by a teacher in high school. He did tear up when he got into trouble for a brawl that had broken out in class when it had been him to try to break it apart to instead take a bruise hard enough to have nearly burst the tissue holding it tight. 

Nowadays, he didn’t cry anymore, he found other ways to work off his stress. Worked out in the gym to the point of breaking down, unhealthily drank his burdens away once or twice a year. Sometimes he reverted to the sickening pleasure of smoking only to give up on his package three cigarettes in. And now, he worked off his pent up emotions by having Renjun wait for the bliss that would eventually await the both of them. Did marks he recognized from so many years ago, when Johnny would have left them there instead, and it sparked off his desire to cover them up again and again.

Until- “Lee Jeno!” Renjun’s voice should have been authoritative, it always was whenever the older called for him like this, but it was breathy and high in pitch and the older demandingly tugged at his black strands. “Don’t tease me!”

The sweetest of pleas, it did things to him that could never be put into words. His fingers were still holding tight onto Renjun’s thigh he was marking up when he glanced up at the other. The Chinese was, to put it short, a mess. Sweaty, flushed, hair matted and stuck to his forehead. Poured gasoline into the fire burning in Jeno’s own veins.

A short glance was enough to see the urgency in the artist’s beautiful eyes, and he kept their looks locked for a short moment before he went in for more. Normally, and that was by his own standards, too, he would have gone for a blowjob now, to ease some of the pressure in the older’s mind and to serve as distraction for what his fingers’ job was next. But this was Renjun he was with, the one man whose everything he wanted, desired, and yearned to claim.

A glance for a second and it was enough. Jeno didn’t hesitate when he forewent Renjun’s dick in favor of going lower, pressing a kiss to his perineum first and allowing his tongue to tease against it before he went down. 

Renjun’s startled moan, and the fingers pulling at his hair, were enough of a signal for him to go on. There was no denial, no words of halt and no pulling him away. Right the opposite for the older ground down his hips, pulled his face closer, as Jeno circled his tongue around his rim to loosen it up enough. When it was, when he could press against it and push the tip of his tongue past it, he didn’t hold back anymore. 

There was something peculiarly pleasing about driving Renjun insane with his mouth and tongue alone. His fingers, tightened around those slender hips and angling them for easier access, did nothing more than that for a while, until the strength the older pulled at his hair with became too much. One hand still holding him in place, he used the other to reach for Renjun’s and entangle their fingers, silently tolerating the force at which the artist clenched at it. 

Bit by bit, the muscle loosened beneath his tongue, making it easier to plunge inside in between sucking at the rim or toying at it with the slick appendix. All this even made him wonder whether he could make Renjun come like this, judging by the angrily ruddy dick leaking without stop in front of his eyes, and the shudders that wrecked the other bit by bit. 

“Jeno,” Renjun whispered, whined, and then, with more exiguity, repeated, “Jeno! Stop! Please, I’ll-”

So close. So close to his goal but he was putty in Renjun’s hand and, indeed, at the single word, he stopped and pulled back to look up at the older. Every time Jeno looked at Renjun, the other was looking more wrecked, pleasing to the eye, the heart and his cock alike, like nothing else.

“Shall I-” He started, but barely got to finish.

“You’re supposed to fuck me, idiot.” Empty threats, all the more so when Renjun sounded like his vocal chords had been grated away, hoarse and strained and sickeningly pleasing. “You can do this another time, too. Now you’re just supposed to fuck me.”

How even the artist managed to get these words out would remain a mystery to Jeno, but he didn’t question it. All the less when Renjun looked at his nightstand with intent clear in his eyes. “And get those stupid pants off you.”

That, unbelievably so, made the younger snort for a second. “You said you liked them earlier,” he pointed out whilst doing as he was told. Carefully he let go of Renjun and got up to more easily take off his slacks and underwear and all else with more ease, stepping out of them as he approached the nightstand. There was only one drawer, facilitating the search for lube and condoms and not at all preparing him for the other content.

There was a watch, not his, and a velvety box. Too big for a present, just right for certain pieces of jewelry, and he couldn’t tear his eyes off it for prolonging seconds. It itched him in his fingers to open it and explore its content despite the infringement of privacy it would bear along.

“Jeno?” Renjun asked, a hint of worry underlying temptation, and perhaps the older had followed his line of sight for fingers wrapped around his biceps, calling for his attentions along with tender words, “Look at me.” And Jeno was weak, so utterly weak, never able to deny those little pleads. “Just look at me. Nothing else. Got that?”

Slowly, the taller nodded his head and blindly took what he needed before he crawled back on the bed thanks to Renjun’s coaxing. Another kiss slowly drove any and all thoughts from his mind, nothing lingering but the taste of Renjun on his tongue unto the older tried to grab the lube from his hands.

Instantly, he pulled back his hands and pressed the Chinese down into the sheets, their gazes locked in lieu of their eyes and it was once again the point it would take only a single word to stop him. It never came. Slowly, a smile broke on Jeno’s lips as he took in the trust and faith the older put into him, the unquestioned belief in being taken care of that had his heart squeezing tight. “Let me take care of you.”

Once, only once, Renjun nodded, and it was all the agreement Jeno needed. Personally, he had always liked it wet, squidgy from lube or natural slick, and all the more when it meant it wouldn’t hurt the man he loved. This time again, he was generous as he coated his fingers, warming up the lubricant to lessen discomfort before he pressed them against Renjun’s hole.

One digit went in easily, and for the second he didn’t need to take a lot of time either. The abundance of noises was like heavenly bells, the wet sounds of lube against flesh and the moans the older released that only increased by the time he found his prostate and played with it. How long he took with two fingers alone must be torturous, it was for his own mind and his aching erection, should be all the more for Renjun who already suffered lots at his expense, and it still seemed worth it when the third went in with ease. 

Based on the sight alone, he thought he could go on like this forever. Make Renjun wither with pleasure, squirming in the sheets like this, covered in marks borne from his own lips, and Jeno would happily die of blue balls. But he could tell it wasn’t their reciprocated wish, and when he scissored his fingers and was met with hardly any tension, he deemed them ready enough.

Putting on the condom shouldn’t be as much of a problem as it was at the moment, unfortunately, his fingers were either slippery with lube or sweaty from nervousness, and it took longer than it should. At least, and that was comforting, Renjun seemed to find it amusing rather than bothersome. Sex shouldn’t always be tense, a struggle of nerves and anxiety. It should be easy, be comfortable. Little slip-ups could happen whenever, and laughing while fucking didn’t mean it was bad. According to Jeno, that was, but it seldomly had happened he was unbent enough with his partners to let such incidents occur.

Renjun, on the other hand, had always been a special person to him. Even when the older snorted at the time it took him to roll the condom down his length, Jeno couldn’t hold it against him. Neither did he want to let it slide. He leaned down for another kiss, nibbling at Renjun’s lower lip with just enough force to be bearable, as he lined up at the same time.

One push and he was halfway in, not wanting to undo it. Albeit Renjun didn’t seem to share that thought, with feet folded at Jeno’s lower back and forcing the younger in with more force than someone so utterly ruined should possess.

An embarrassingly loud moan slipped Jeno’s lips, right into Renjun’s mouth, but a dam had been broken, and he didn’t hold back. They were both desperate for relief, thanks to the foreplay he had drawn out way longer than was fair regardless of Jeno’s lack of regret towards it. Just seeing the older break apart was highly worth it.

Connected like this, he didn’t hold such thought any longer. He wasn’t sure where he began and Renjun ended as he moved his hips in a slow rhythm, first, and carefully increased the force of it while not breaking apart from the older. If any possible, he wanted to keep their kiss connected until the end of this, until they both had reached what the French called a little death, only to be reborn with clearer mind and heightened senses. Accordingly, he did try for it, kept their lips locked, their breaths mingling, to the point Jeno was certain they were breathing more of each other’s essence than actual air.

As teenagers, or with lesser confidence, it might be embarrassing how simple it was to get them worked up like this, disregarding how long they both had tethered at the edge of too little and too much. Currently it wasn’t, because it was impossible to disregard Renjun having been edged already with his earlier words, and Jeno hadn’t had any friction against his erection the whole time, making the tight and slick warmth of Renjun’s body seem near unbearable. 

With a grunt, he broke their kiss that distracted him too much from keeping his movements steady, leaning his forehead against Renjun’s to never stray too much. He wanted to hear and feel all of those little noises the older released, wanted to take pleasure in the way nails tore at his shoulders and back, leaving angry red scratches in their wake that would remind him of these hours for days. Not visible like the hickeys decorating Renjun’s body but undoubtedly there, impossible to ignore when they would burn with his every move, and remind him of the proximity of their selves.

“Jeno,” the Chinese whispered, and repeated his name with more urgency. Renjun’s body was locking down around him, muscles clenching around his dick and making it harder for Jeno to move. He had to use more force to use his body as he wanted, only to Renjun’s increasing pleasure. When the artist hit his high only seconds later, it was with Jeno’s name on his tongue, and the tightening pressure alone was enough to get off as well.

Slowly, and more carefully, Jeno rode out both their orgasms, to the point it was bordering too much for him and must be for Renjun as well. And, speaking of the older, Renjun looked nothing short of fucked out. With eyes that seemed like a challenge to be kept open, lips swollen and red, and breath heavier than it had been all night long, exhaustion was taking an evident toll on his lighter frame. Gently Jeno kissed him, a short peck and another, as he warily pulled out not to irritate the older any more. There was a wet mess between Renjun’s legs, from the lube that had been pushed in and out, and it would look all the sweeter with his own traces to mix into it, albeit it was a thought he kept to himself for now.

“Sleep, baby,” he whispered, and pressed his lips to Renjun’s forehead one final time prior to heading to the bathroom to not only get rid of the used condom but also pick up a moistened towel to clean them up. When he returned, Renjun was already asleep. Jeno hardly held it against him when their day had not only been long but the time spent together arduous. He only wiped his slick thighs and soiled stomach clean, throwing the towel away, before climbing into bed again.

Pliant as he was, it was easy to pull Renjun into his arms, back to chest, hugging his little waist. Steadily he could feel the soft skin rise and fall with evened out breaths beneath his fingers, calming him, too, and lulling him into sleep. Like this, it wasn’t much different to what he was used to. Sleep with Renjun in his arms, bodies close together, awakening all these traitorous little wishes in his mind he had never been allowed to have back then but could freely roam his mind now.

Falling asleep like this, with the man he loved close to his own form, with or without clothes, just listening to Renjun breath - Jeno thought he could do it forever. Spending his life with his days ending like this, it seemed worthwhile. It was easy enough to forget about any other thoughts tormenting his mind now. There was always another day to come to resolve those.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


The first time Jeno woke up in the morning, he found the bed next to him empty. Sheets still warm from where Renjun had been before, it felt awfully empty not to be close to the older after hours of being pressed tight together. It left him feeling disorientated for the few seconds he was actually conscious enough to take in his surroundings. There was Renjun’s giant bookshelf and the curtains of the window had been pulled shut. They hadn’t been in the evening. But the warmth and coziness of lying in bed was pulling him down under again, allowing him to return to sleep to the sound of some kitchen machine beeping somewhere else.

When he opened his eyes once more, it was to the realization Renjun had returned to bed, perched against the countless pillows placed against the wall and a book in his hands. Jeno didn’t think twice of it when he rolled over, using the older’s lap as a pillow resting his head on his thigh and throwing his arm over his legs. 

Renjun, unlike him, at least already had put on clothes and showered, going by the clean vanilla scent. Unfortunately, such also meant he couldn’t any longer admire all the pretty marks he had left, the traces he had left on the artist’s skin to turn him into art himself. A contrast to his own back, decorated with ruddy swells that pulsed with the stretch of his lips. It felt soothing to have the older trace them with cool fingers, soothing the heat underlying each mark.

“Morning, big guy,” the artist muttered, tucking a bookmark on the page he stopped at just to be able to put his full attention on the younger. And Jeno thrived on it, on the fingers caressing his back, tracing along his spine, up to his hair to play with the short strands. With his other hand, Renjun put down the book, placed it on the nightstand where the same familiar velvety box resided. No longer in the drawer but out of it, for him to see. “Did I hurt you much?”

It seemed like the box was laughing at him but he was tired and the connection was slow to be made. A velvety box made for jewelry. Likely something he had received from Johnny if the watch that had stopped working was anything to go by. Johnny had always prefered automatic watches and without being worn it would no longer work. Natural as it was. Things that weren’t taken care of would just break apart. Just like the long distance had wrecked Renjun’s and his friendship too, because Jeno had no longer had the mind to keep it up, and Renjun, too, must have been aware that his running away had a deeper meaning than just getting his Master’s degree done overseas.

Roughly a year had passed since these two had broken up because that’s been the time Johnny had gone back to Chicago for a job offer. Jeno had spent about as much time back in Korea with and without Johnny by his side, a distance that only seemed to be bearable because he had been gone first, that was lessened by the promise to Johnny’s parents to return with his next vacation.

Somewhat over six years of a relationship usually called for the next step. They said after three years and after seven years the biggest hurdles would come up in a relationship so it only seemed natural Johnny would propose around that time. So the velvety box-

A sharp tug at his hair pulled him out of his thoughts. With a surprised sound, Jeno gave in to the force, only to allow his face to drop back into the plush meat of Renjun’s thigh with a grunt after. With a bit of a sterner voice, the older repeated, “Did I hurt you much?”

“Pulling hair always hurts,” Jeno grumbled silently. He wasn’t even able to be mad at Renjun. Jumping off a plane without a parachute would be easier than being upset with Renjun. “Not everyone of us enjoys that…”

Like a little punishment, the artist pulled at his hair a bit roughly again, then pointed out, “I meant your back, idiot.” As emphasize to his words, Renjun traced along the red lines once more, doing little more than have Jeno humming in comfortable ease.

“Doesn’t bother me much. I rather like getting reminded of what we did,” he smiled, directing his sight upwards to glance at the artist. There was a certain glow around the older, exuding the feeling of being loved but also the satisfaction that came from a night like this. Jaemin teasingly compared a healthy skincare to a good fuck whenever any of them got involved with someone for a night but then again, most of his friends were already way further ahead in stages of love than Jeno had ever been.

“Sap,” Renjun huffed, corners of his lips pulling into a pretty smile. “I made breakfast already. Do you want any?”

The younger actually considered it for a moment, weighed off the options of staying in bed a bit longer with the older or leaving the coziness behind in favor of his empty stomach. Eventually, it was an easily made decision when he looked up at Renjun and, with a swift pull, got the smaller down on the same level as he was, just so he could kiss him more easily. “I think I’d rather have you, Renjun.”

“You’re-” The older struggled a bit, trying to get free of Jeno’s embrace but all it ended up with was him sitting on quite defined but very naked abs. “You’re insatiable!”

With a little hum, the taller agreed, allowing his fingers to slip beneath Renjun’s oversized shirt, thumb caressing along the lines of his hips, tracing up his sensitive sides. Shifting fabric exposed little slivers of bruised skin, and it stirred the heat in his lower body all over again. “You’re impossible to resist, gorgeous,” he smiled, seeing how the older slightly faltered with his earnest expression. “I don’t think I’ll ever have enough of you.”

And then, because he was a lost cause like this, didn’t even think it through when the lips already rolled off his tongue. It was natural, like a starving man reaching for water, tricked by a mirage. The idea of a puddle in a desert and Jeno was nothing but that man, falling for the illusion of what he wanted to have. “I love you.”

Instantly, the older tensed above him, muscles locked up evident to touch and Jeno stopped his movements. The words had surprised him, too, but deep within, he wished they would get answered to in similar fashion. Nothing of the likes came forth. Instead, he was rewarded with distance when Renjun moved off his lap and sat down at the end of the bed.

“Look, Jeno…” The older started, tilting his head back in thought. If Renjun hesitated like that, it was serious, and sufficient to have dread washing down Jeno’s spine as he sat up, all thoughts of intimate minutes forgotten. “I’m not- This all-” An angry puff of air left the artist’s lips as he ruffled through silver hair, trying to find the right way to begin this conversation. Eventually, he settled with a sigh, and pointed at the velvety box at the nightstand. “That’s the reason I broke up with Johnny.”

Lightly Jeno’s eyes widened as he looked from Renjun at the ring box and then back. When the older gestured for him to go on, he did lean over to open it and confirm his earlier thoughts. It was a beautiful ring. A line of diamonds carefully set into white gold, telling stories of its price but not looking too pompous to be in the way of doing art. A good choice, even he had to admit.

“When Hyung brought up the topic of going to America, I already considered breaking up. In the long run, no matter how much I love him, we’re too different… Time doesn’t wait for anyone and I know I was holding him back then. Have known that for years…” Rougher this time Renjun messed up his hair, then brushed it down again, like a depiction of the chaotic thoughts he wanted to sort out. “I didn’t expect him to- To…”

“Propose?” Jeno asked silently, not able to take his eyes off the ring. Johnny must have saved up a long time to afford that, must have put a lot of thought into it. Naturally, he had not known about it, had been away for too long to be told such important things on short notice but Taeyong must have known. Had his brother told him, Jeno might have just about gone mad. 

“Yeah…” With a sigh, the older reached forth to shut the box in his hands close, covered it with his palm and left his fingers entwined with Jeno’s. “He and I - we were too different. Had I accepted, we would have married, then he would have brought up the topic of kids. Buying a house. College funds for the kids. I’m not ready for that yet… I’m not even sure I’ll be anytime soon… But I shouldn’t hold him back so I just… let him go.”

Renjun smiled wryly, and just seeing the painful longing in those beautiful orbs now dismayed made Jeno’s heart hurt too. Putting the box aside was in favor of pulling the smaller into an embrace, to cover them with the blanket as if it would hold off all the harm of reality.

“He didn’t leave because we didn’t love each other or anything, and letting go is hard but…” The deep breath Renjun took was evident to the younger, could feel it by the way that slight rib cage expanded against his own. “But if you could wait a bit longer… I know I’m selfish to ask this of you when you’ve been waiting for so long, just-”

“I’ll do it,” Jeno interrupted, readily, because he was a stupid dog kept on a tight leash, obedient to Renjun’s every demand for the feed he received was the love he would get. “I’ve waited for so long, I can wait a bit longer.” Slowly he drove his fingers through those silvery strands, trying to reassure Renjun as much as he wanted to soothe his own heart. He’d have to wait again… But waiting was all he had ever done.

To forget a long-time relationship like Renjun’s with Johnny would be tough, yet it was better than anything he had ever had. It should make him upset, probably, it was what Jaemin would tell him, to be upset, get mad, to yell at man who kept wrenching his heart, but he couldn’t do it. It did sound mean, even to his own ears, but Johnny was out of the picture for good, wouldn’t return for years, and Jeno was nothing if not dedicated to make Renjun forget about the older entirely until then. 

If this was his one shot at the game, he would go for the three-pointer, would swing the game around and tilt the score in his favor. At least he knew where he stood, and he knew where to pick up his way. Softly, he pressed a kiss to Renjun’s forehead and iterated, “I’ll wait.”

A moment like this, so tender, so fragile, and in Jeno’s humble opinion utterly perfect, was one he wanted to last his long. Unfortunately, it did not. His stomach grumbled angrily and Renjun released a wet laugh. “Hopefully not for breakfast, though.” A little push and move of the arm and they were free of their cover and parted again. “Go take a shower, big guy. I’ll heat up the food.”

This time, as Jeno said “I love you” it came easier, partly because he was using it to tease Renjun and the older’s phenomenal cooking. But as the artist threw him a look over his shoulder, eyes softened and filled with affection, he considered saying it more often if that’s what he’d receive.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


“So you’re telling me,” Donghyuck started while pulling hard enough at the bandage to the point it had Jeno wincing in pain, “the phenomenal and talented, our golden athlete, Jeno fell off the bike? Just like that?”

Said man now started wondering whether maybe going to a different hospital would have been a better idea, even if that meant longer waiting times because they couldn’t any longer call in for personal favors from Donghyuck’s side. It would have been easier than tolerating the mocking at the moment.

“Jaemin kicked me,” he huffed indignantly, and hissed once more when Hyuck pulled the bandage extra tight around his wrist. It was only sprained but that was painful enough, and how exactly he was supposed to work like that remained a mystery so far. Not to mention that Renjun would come over for dinner and likely stay the night, too, and a bandaged hand definitely was all but sexy. 

“You-” No ounce of pity, the nurse broke into a fit of laughter, highly amused by the fact his two best friends had been fooling around like that. “Man, I’d have loved to see that happen. Instead I have to change diapers for bedwetting kids. I envy you, my boys.”

“Don’t act as if you didn’t get di-” Jaemin never got to finish his words but what he had wanted to say remained obvious, regardless of Donghyuck slapping a hand over his traitorous mouth.

“There are children around!” Not an untrue fact, considering they were on the pediatric ward of the hospital, which was a lot more amusing to bear with if you weren’t sporting a swollen red wrist. Because children in the hospital might be sick but they weren’t necessarily nicer. Like demented people, some of those could be rather upset most of the time, though. And Jeno had already taken one too many kicks to the shin because a kid had thought him to skip the queue to want to bear with that again.

“So,” Donghyuck concluded, checking the bandage once again for its support, “why exactly did Jaemin kick you off your bike?”

“Honestly, not worth it.” The youngest formed an X with his arms to get his point across properly. Aside from apologizing about the injury plenty, Jaemin had also complaint quite a lot about what a hassle it was to navigate through the city with two bikes in tow when they couldn’t even drive and had no car nearby. Half the cabs hadn’t let them on because of the bicycles and by the time they finally had found one, they had travelled half the way to the hospital by feet. 

It prompted a short bicker between those two, between Donghyuck calling him stupid for this obviously not having been a good idea and Jaemin protesting that usually Jeno was better at keeping his balance. Either way, a useless argument when it had him wobbling on his bike and crashing against the curbstone. Fortunately, it was only sprained, might as well have been broken. Considering it wasn’t, Jeno was willing to forgive the other over a hearty meal. Or two. More likely three. This was an inconvenience for work, after all.

Eventually, it seemed, these two had calmed down again, and Hyuk had finally managed to make the younger speak up, considering Jaemin said, “He confessed to Renjun! I was shocked! All the more when he told me Renjun isn’t yet over Johnny and-”

“Ow!” Jeno yelled, rubbing his shin the nurse had quicked quite roughly. Forget about kids, they couldn’t kick higher because of their lacking height. Donghyuck, though, knew very well about the bruise he was sporting on his leg. “Don’t you know you shouldn’t kick a dog on the floor!”

“You can take it, idiot.” Scrunching his nose, Donghyuck turned away and reached into the little fridge to pull out a cold pad to soothe the bruise. At least his medical moral wasn’t crooked enough to let a hurting man suffer just yet. “Can’t believe you’re still running after this boy… How did that come up even? I wasn’t even sure they had actually broken up until now.”

“Hyuckie…” If anything, Jaemin’s tone was pitying, towards the nurse to not think along. “Johnny-hyung lives in America…”

“So what? They could have done LDR.” With a huff, the nurse dropped into his seat, arms crossed over his chest. From where his longarm shirt slipped a bit, the tiny heart tattooed into his wrist became visible. 

Jeno didn’t even bother asking what that meant, despite being too lazy to think it over properly. It was true that, out of the three of them, no one had known a lot of details about Johnny and Renjun, mostly because his two best friends had sided with him rather than Renjun. After what the artist had mentioned the previous morning, though, he wasn’t certain all of his other friends were as oblivious towards what had been going on in the Huang-Suh household. 

Not that he held it against anyone, on the contrary, to an extent he was even grateful. Because hearing the story from Renjun had been more intimate than it could have been had any of them told him priorly. Like sharing a secret. Those had been quite private thoughts, and Jeno treasured the trust the older had into him. 

“So where are you standing now?” Donghyuck cut into his thoughts, expression a lot more intimidating than it should be for someone who dealt half a week’s worth of time with children. “Renjun and you. What are you?”

Well, that might have been a good question to ask, the editor realized. Given the circumstances, it was evident Renjun wanted to give them a chance quite as much. And they had already spent a night together. So - “Dating? I guess?”

“You guess?” The nurse questioned, and from the periphery of his vision, Jeno could see Jaemin shake his head.

“Yeah, I guess,” he repeated with a sigh. “Now that we got that over with - are you done with your shift anytime soon?”

“Was an hour ago, actually. I was about to check out when a certain someone called me about having kicked you off the bike.” The disdain was obvious. Much as they all knew Donghyuck loved his job, there was only so much hospital one could bear to see in a day. It was the same with Jaemin and massages and Jeno and- Scratch that, he might as well be abnormal, he could never get tired of books regardless.

“Great!” The oldest declared while getting up, slapping his hands together in a clap only to end up wincing in pain once more. “Let’s get dinner. Jaemin pays.”

“Why would I-”

“You had me stay overtime,” Donghyuck answered at the same time as Jeno pointed out, “You kicked me off the bike.”

With such words thrown at him, it was near impossible for Jaemin to deny them. With a grimace and some silent mutters, he accepted, though, and immediately took to clinging to Hyuck as they made their way out of the examination room. Some things never changed, and that Jeno was grateful for.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


Steam leaked from the open bathroom door seemingly endlessly but that mattered little to Jeno when the way interesting sight was Renjun stepping out of it, dressed in a fluffy hotel bathrobe. Cheeks flushed from the heat and wet hair ruffled from towel drying, the older looked way more innocent, younger, like this. It was a sight Jeno appreciated a lot. It was like a stripped bare version of the artist, without any of that bravado that came along with business clothes and formal conversation.

The Renjun in front of him was raw, less walls up and so very free, like a bird freed from its cage. He also seemed more youthful, readily jumping into bed and crawling into Jeno’s open arms. The PDF he had scanned through on his tablet was long since forgotten over the proximity between them, the feeling of another body against his.

“Welcome back.” Lightly Jeno pressed a kiss into the other’s hair, only to wrinkle his nose at the wet feeling of it. Moments like these had become all too familiar in the recent months of approaching summer, filled with more dates although, and much to his delight, those had turned more and more domestic.

As a teenager attending school, naturally, getting out of the house for dates was most exciting. Everything was new and having first experiences was exhilarating. The little touches in a café, giggling over being so blunt right in front of everyone’s eyes, the figuring out what tricks could be done and what would be rejected - it was all about attempt and failure. Not to mention nobody would want to take their date home during the first few rendezvous, risking to have their love interests run into parents or siblings or both and chance getting embarrassed by family stories.

College days were all about experimenting and fooling around. Going on casual dates, sometimes in groups, that wouldn’t always result in anything. Enjoying the times of drinking, clubbing and going out, sometimes find company for a night. It was all about getting to know all kinds of different people rather than just crushes. And America with its less conservative society had encompassed that all the more.

But now, later in life, a lot of things had settled and calmed down. And along with those, so did their love related desires. It was no longer about doing the wildest things because their expectations had acclimated, rather than looking for a heart race inducing hook-up it was about finding a partner for life, someone to settle down with, who was compassionate and nice. A partner getting home to was soothing, the perfect prospect for the end of the day. Holding hands in public was no longer something to do shyly but a means to show off, to tell the world you were together, and compared to all the other things happening behind closed doors it was way innocent.

Having arrived at this third stage, Jeno definitely could see the perks of these little moments. Be it in skintight jeans or borrowed sweats, Renjun looked beautiful regardless, vision clouded by feelings rather than superficial appeal. Meals cooked together became more tasty and music playing in the background as they went through their works, with their feet entangled as they had been in those library days, was turning into their music. Living together seemed easy after spending half a week’s worth of nights together anyways, and the coziness of it sure was lulling him in slowly.

It was a perfect mixture, of comfortable domesticity that was facilitated by having set goals in life they could pursuit on their own without hindering the other, and having the kind of energy that drove them out of the house at the same time. A balance of work, love, and life, of spending time with colleagues, each other, and family or friends. It evened each component out, there wasn’t too little nor too much, and having acquired a certain maturity, expressing their wishes and desires also came easier.

Which eventually played into the very reason he could have Renjun around in first place, under these circumstances. For normally he wouldn’t even consider taking anyone along onto a business trip, even if it was in the same country as they resided in but the other was an exception for several reasons. One, Renjun was a freelancer, not as bound to regulated working hours as pretty much all of his other friends. To be concrete, it might only be Renjun, Taeyong and him who could move more freely, ignoring the fact Taeyong had half a studio to take along to work on the road. Two, in this case, Renjun was involved with his project since it was the same book they had hired the graphic designer for. Three, he definitely was less eager to share his bed with Jaemin for a night than he was with Renjun.

In their case, it worked out well. Take a train down to Busan, check in at the hotel, have dinner outside, and go to bed. The next forenoon they’d still have time for some sightseeing ahead of going for their schedule with the author. 

Surprisingly, the writer in question had offered to do a reading of sorts and by coincidence, Jeno had found out such was because the writer’s wife was writing for a traveling magazine. They would spend a week in Jeju for her to get around or something but since the author wasn’t busy, he had offered heading to the nearest bigger city for the day. 

At first, that had been a bit stressful. It wasn’t exactly easy to organize a reading - they had to book the location, get the advertisements out, actually make people aware of their wanted attendance, and publishing a new writer always bore the risk of their effort bouncing back on them. Only the attention the book had aroused a month ago upon release in the States must have been the decisive factor for the boosted interest in the event, and Jeno’s attendance was needed not only for his role as the foreign editor, he had to double-act as manager for the occasion, the kind of job usually done by the PR team, not the readers. 

The upside of it was, as reward for his hard work, Taeil had given him an unofficial day off, told him to get there early and familiarize himself with the surroundings. It was only when Jeno had seen they had already booked him a double room he considered asking Renjun along and, fortunately, Taeil had also approved of this. That the author had been highly impressed with the cover of the Korean version might have supported this decision a bit. 

“You know,” Renjun mumbled as they got a bit more comfortable, and Jeno already reached for the remote as silent suggestion to watching some movie, “This is the closest I’ve been to a vacation in years.”

A surprised little noise escaped Jeno at the mention of that. It kind of made sense, getting into the freelancing business and establish your name on the market can not possibly be easy but to never be able to have some relaxing time when work could easily be taken along… He, too, sometimes decided he’d rather spend a weekend at his parents’ and would take along his work material to finish his tasks there, and he might possibly also not go on his annual vacation were it not about the Suhs repetitively inviting him. But hearing it out loud like this was still shocking.

“What do you think of going on a vacation together then? Maybe for Christmas?” The younger asked, fingers carding carefully through the recently touched up hair. Little black roots had been showing on Renjun’s head recently and while Jeno had thought them endearing, evidently the other hadn’t. 

In the recent years, it seemed their friend group had stopped their little tradition anyways. He wasn’t sure when it had happened exactly but by the time he had returned from overseas, it had already shrunk down to Hyuck, Jaemin, his brother and him. Jaehyun and Doyoung had tried to make time wherever possible but so far it had only been either of them attending. 

Growing up had meant a lot of freedom - a lack of financial burdens or the increase of those, growing into their own little space. With that, the challenge of coming together all of them had been harder, and even birthdays weren’t spent as a whole anymore. Sometimes it was disappointing but Jeno most definitely treasured the times he got to spend with each of them, separate or joint.

“Will you take me to the places you left me for?” Renjun’s eyes were curious as they were directed at him and he would so gladly reply to it, but the dark haired had to come to one realization: He had been in Vancouver and Chicago but taking Renjun to Chicago would bring upon them an invitation from the Suhs and that, for sure, would only end up being uncomfortable for the both of them. 

Rather than pointing down the obvious, he evaded it, “And freeze your little ass off in Canada in winter?” Lightly Jeno raised an eyebrow in query.

“I’m certain I’ll find a volunteer to warm it up again,” the older teased, flirty sparks in his beautiful orbs and Jeno found himself smitten all over again. The sexual innuendo definitely didn’t go past him, even when at the moment he was way more content with their casual setting. And Renjun must too, for those sneaky hands didn’t stray into dangerous territory this time around.

With a little hum, Jeno moved his own fingers lower, carefully kneading at the sore spots in the older’s nape from when the artist bent over his workspace in this uncomfortable manner. “Canada in winter it is, then.” Whether they’d be together until then in first place, neither of them brought up. “They have pretty Christmas lights, too.”

“I’ll bring my camera then.” The smile on Renjun’s lips was the most beautiful sight of the day, had Jeno leaning in for a short kiss. Hopefully they could take these pictures together.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


To say he was nervous would be the understatement of the year. It was more like each of his nerves were strung tight with tension and about to snap at the slightest irritation. Which was unreasonable, it wasn’t even like much was about to happen but perhaps that was even worse. In theory, it was only supposed to be his father’s birthday but the crux of the story was that, somehow, his mother had caught on to the fact that Jeno was about to end a relationship and, “I can’t believe my baby is finally settling down! You’ve never introduced anyone to us, I was already afraid you’d end up all alone for the rest of your life, my poor baby.” Ironically, she had nothing to say about Taeyong still being single to date.

One thing lead to another, and Jeno was trapped in his mother’s fantasies he couldn’t even deny because, yes, he did see someone and, yes, he did hope it would turn into more and that alone had been enough for her to become her whole stubborn self. Convincing Renjun had been… a lot less hasslesome than he had feared. Big part of that might be that Renjun already knew his parents from summer holidays before but to Jeno, it was for that reason it was all the worse.

From beside him, he could feel the older squeeze his hands. Those lithe fingers wrapped around his that his nerves easing and his heart racing and more often than not both at once. Personally, Jeno would never get over the contrast between their hands. Already a long time ago he had figured their hand size wasn’t actually that big - some stupid bet and they had come out with the same distance from palm to fingertip. But the thing was, Renjun had what Jeno affectionately called piano hands. Slender fingers, tender knuckles, thin wrists. They were nothing but elegant. And they perfectly fit into his.

“If you’re not afraid of insects, you also shouldn’t be scared of your mom,” the older teased from beside him. It kind of did the trick, prickling at his ego was one of Jeno’s pet peeves, kicked in his competitive spirit that even age had not been enough to drive out of him.

He still was nervous, indeed, but pressing the doorbell to his childhood home now came easier to him. Not that he actually needed to, he might as well have just walked inside, but he was certain his family would like to receive some sort of warning. 

Jeno would call it the doorbell of doom this day whilst his mother surely would call it the ringing of delight. As was only proven right when he pushed the door open and his mother was already there before he had done so much as undo the knot tying together his shoelaces.

“Oh, Jeno! You’re here early! Taeyong just called and said he’d be delayed a bit but I’m really looking forward to- oh? Renjun? You’re here too? I thought Jeno wanted to bring his boyfriend…” His mother, struggling with being flustered and surprised, looked from one of them to the other, gauging their reaction but s nothing came, she must slowly be realizing. It was evident by the way her face fell and she whispered, “Oh, Jeno…”

Exactly for that reason he had hesitated to bring up the topic of dating and, mostly, it being Renjun. His mother had the memory of an elephant, even if she had met Renjun only once she would have remembered him but with the artist being Johnny’s former boyfriend… Naturally his mother would be on his side, regardless of all circumstances, just wanting him to be happy, but Jeno had already figured she’d question him about this later. The Suhs were family friends, after all, and some troubles would irrevocably come up somehow with their respective sons having dated the same person already. Even if it was just for the sake of gossipping between mothers.

“Mom…” Jeno sighed, looking at Renjun who had faltered a bit in his posture, but thankfully, she got the hint. With some excuse of having left some food on the stove, she returned to the kitchen. Her son dropped down on a knee, busying himself with undoing the artist’s shoelaces and help the other out of the pair. “She isn’t against us. She is just worried about what this means for me, Renjun.”

“Is it scaring you?” The older asked, eyes curious as they looked down at the younger who just remained in position, sank down on both knees. Taking Renjun’s hands at the moment seemed befitting, more so than wrapping his arms around that slender waist because it would make looking up way harder.

“Do you think it scares me?” The risk he was running on this, had been since he had first fallen in love with. Even if it wasn’t not one he had ever planned on acting upon, the day Johnny would know, it would cause some sort of rift between them. Now that he had, though, he wasn’t sure it was for the better or worse. 

With his eyes directed upwards, it was impossible to miss out on the little shake of the head Renjun gave him, and he couldn’t help break into a smile immediately. Promptly, he gave a squeeze to the older’s hands. Words came easy to him now, not only for reading so many books but for they came straight from his heart, as Jeno said, “The only thing I’m scared of is you telling me to go. As long as you don’t, I won’t be afraid.”

Redness rose high on the pretty man’s cheeks. A beautiful look, if Jeno was asked. It looked all the prettier with the defiant spark in the older’s orbs, a mesmerizing contrast of emotions he could never possibly get tired of. 

The only pity was the moment being so easily interrupted by the door opening behind Renjun, sending the man stumbling forward a bit. Normally it wouldn’t be a challenge for Jeno to catch the older but when he was down on his knees himself, it did become a bit harder to do.

What greeted them from outside, was a surprised looking Taeyong still holding onto the door handle, blinking his eyes innocently. “Did I interrupt a proposal or something…?” Which, understandably, made sense, considering their current situation. It still had Jeno pouting at the older, for the mere thought his brother thought he would propose in such a lousy and casual manner, which only made his brother laugh softly. “Just teasing, baby bro. Where’s mom?”

“Kitchen,” Jeno answered, glad he could get rid of Taeyong for the moment, even more glad his brother understood with how his face was pressed into Renjun’s soft stomach. There was some thumping of shoes dropping and the little pitter patter of footsteps passing them, when it was over, there already were fingers carding through his hair soothingly. 

It was calm for another moment, then Renjun broke into a soft little snicker. Not exactly what Jeno had expected, a beautiful sight nonetheless, it wasn’t enough to eradicate the confusion he felt as he glanced up. The artist, though, only looked at him kindly. “I really like your family, you know?”

“No,” Jeno answered honestly, “but I’m happy.” He smiled, bright as the older, and finally made his move to get up. While he took care of their bags to bring upstairs to his room, he sent Renjun to the living room to join his father. What he did not expect, was his mother to join him.

With a careful rapt of her knuckles against the door, she announced her entrance and sat down on his desk chair. “Jeno, baby, you do know I will support you when you’re pursuing Renjun, right?” The younger agreed with a hum. “I’m just worried for you, dear. Your dad lost a dear friend in his youth for the same reason, because he was in love with me. Don’t be like this with Johnny. Can you do that for me? He means a lot to you, and he treasures you a lot, too. Try to make amends soon, alright?”

“Mom,” he sighed softly, fondly, because he knew his mother wasn’t coming from a bad place. From the corner of his eyes he glanced at her, while setting up a little working space on his desk for the two of them. “I’ll tell him when I’m visiting. Doing it over text… That feels wrong.”

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” His mother clapped her hands to her knees, her cautious expression changing into a teasing one quickly. “There’s… stuff for you in the drawer. In case you forgot to pack those. Just make sure to lack your door, dear.”

“Mom!” Exasperated Jeno looked at her, startled she would even suggest that when he was sleeping beneath his parents’ room. Renjun wasn’t silent either, it would only draw attention to them and- Why was he even thinking about it? He really shouldn’t. “Please don’t mention that ever again!”

“I’m just saying you should stay safe and-”

Once again, he tried to reprimand his mother in a whisper-yell, embarrassment pressing against his heart. She disappeared with jolly laughter on her lips, glad she could finally tease him again. For the first time, actually. Thinking back to it, their mother had had little chance to poke fun at them like this, to prod into their relationships because they had never had any, neither Taeyong nor him. His brother might as well be married to music, considering how much time he spent in the studios, regardless of his earnings, and he… well, there were obvious reasons.

At least, Jeno thought, he knew why they were single up until now, and it didn’t make it any easier. Taeyong had surely hoped he’d get better with time, get over his feelings when he had never even gotten the closure he might have needed years prior but Taeyong was his brother. To a mother, wanting only their best for their children, seeing them being still alone at such age, it must be horrible. To keep wishing for someone’s luck and happiness but not being able to actively pursue it in their stead - it was tough. He had been there, he should know.

For a moment, he considered it, honestly thought about it. It had been easy for him to be like this, focus on his work rather than matters of love, but it must have been hard for her to watch. Not only one son but two, staying on their own for years with no one to look after them, she must have been worried a lot. Because he remembered, when they had been children still, she had always proudly told them of the happiness she had received thanks to their father and how she knew each of them would find a fairy tale-like love of their own. 

Instead, they were the opposite. Workaholics with both a lesser and higher chance of finding love based on their orientation, just diving headfirst into work and forgetting about the world surrounding them entirely. It wasn’t exactly the ideal a loving mother like theirs was wishing for, regardless, she had never stopped supporting them either way. Now that she could see one of her sons in a relationship, that is, she must be overjoyed. 

“Jeno?” Renjun’s voice startled him slightly but, looking over, he couldn’t be any more delighted. The older still looked perfectly at home in here, Nal in his arms, leaning against the doorframe, it was the kind of sight Jeno could definitely get used to. Without feeling guilty this time around. “Do you need help with anything?”

He didn’t, actually. Simply the thought of asking about it, though, was making the room owner feel more at ease, was yet another moment he felt reassured that this was right for him. By now, he couldn’t even understand anymore why he had hesitated at first, the idea of missing out on so much happiness because of a bit of overdue insecurity seemed useless when faced with Renjun’s caring eyes. So Jeno smiled, and instead joked, “Not help but I feel like my lips are a bit irritated. Would you mind helping me out?”

The older merely huffed at that, face calm and eyes sparked with amusement. “Stop hanging out with Jaemin, idiot.” Nal protested momentarily, wriggling his weight around but Renjun skilledly held the cat up, until he was comfortably again. “Your brother asked to set the table but I didn’t know where the fine China was so…”

“So you need my help?” Jeno smiled, generously skipping out on the teasing in favor of getting closer and curling his hand around Renjun’s waist, thumb stroking the clothed skin. “Let’s get going then. You should know your way around since I’m considering taking you along to a lot more family dinners in the future.”

“You’d like that, hm?” The artist grinned before skillfully evading a kiss. “But who ever said I’d agree?” Just like that, Nal was pushed into Jeno’s arms and Renjun gone, stopping at the uppermost stair to give him an amused smile. Maybe with a bit more of coaxing, Jeno would actually receive the verbal answer to something he long since knew.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


Summer had hit hard and fast, and spending only a few minutes outside seemed like torture in comparison to standing inside the ventilated airport area. There was only a short queue for baggage drop-off but Jeno was happy about every added minute he was allowed to spend with Renjun.

After he had managed to squeeze in an appointment at an affiliated publishing firm in Chicago, Taeil had even given him some extra days off, meaning that now he was even longer away from the older. Rather than spending all his time in Chicago, he had booked a second flight to Vancouver to make use of his extra time off, and update Mark about everything going on in person. He also wanted to refresh his memory on all the stops he should plan for their winter vacation albeit that was still a bit further away. Refreshing one’s memory was never a bad idea.

“This feels weird,” Renjun suddenly stated, drawing attention from Jeno who was going through the process of scanning his boarding pass and pushing his suitcase onto the conveyor belt. A questioning hum escaped him, and the older easily picked up on it by explaining, “Sending you off to see my ex. That’s not really what I expected our summer to be like.”

Phrased like this, it did seem weird indeed. But Renjun’s ranking of the situation was different, after all. To him, Johnny was an ex, the man he possibly still loved although the topic hadn’t come up again after their one talk. To Jeno, Johnny was like a brother, regardless of all, and the Suhs had housed him for two years, they were like family. So his visit there definitely had different reasons, it just didn’t erase the oddness of it overall. 

There didn’t seem to be a right reply to this, all the more so now that it was time for him to come out to Johnny, unless his mother had already told Mrs Suh. She wouldn’t do it incidentally, because it was Jeno’s matter to resolve, but sometimes things slipped out while chitchatting casually. And he doubted his mother hadn’t already told her best friend that one of her sons was finally in a relationship. Instead, he checked his watch for the time to know how much he had left before offering a little smile to the older. “I got maybe an hour left. Shall we sit down somewhere until then?” Definitely the better option to sitting all alone at the gate, waiting for boarding, regardless of still being able to message for a bit more prior his thirteen hour flight without proper human interaction. With those he actually wanted to interact with, that was. 

“Don’t blame me if you miss your flight then,” Renjun puffed out, contradicting his fingers already wrapping around Jeno’s wrist to take him along to a small coffeeshop nearby. To be apart for a bit more than two weeks evidently wasn’t something either of them looked forward to and no matter how much Jeno was delighted by going back overseas for a bit, it would be easier to bear were he not still busy wooing Renjun into a proper relationship.

As it was, they hadn’t yet confirmed anything, stuck somewhere in a limbo between casual dating and pursuing a relationship. Back then, when they had had their talk, he had promised he would wait and, in return, Renjun had promised him to be open about everything, whether he felt his feelings for Jeno outweighed those for Johnny or he decided to call it off. Obviously, Jeno rooted for the former. 

In the shop, he gestured the older to take a seat as he went to get their drinks. After months, he had memorized already what the other’s preferences were, always jumping between the same three drinks, so making a choice was easy. In the aftermath, it seemed surprising they had already spent so much time with each other, time that had easily passed between working together and dating, settling into a routine that got never boring because there was something exciting again and again to keep the thrill up. If there wasn’t, Jeno doubted he would get bored of Renjun either way, not when seeing the older smile affectionately still made his heart race without exemption.

Jeno had barely sat down and set the iced tea to the other side of the table, when Renjun already spoke up, “Did you think about it yet? How to confront Hyung?”

Were he a brave man, he would likely just walk up to his friend and talk it all out. Unfortunately, and Jeno knew himself that well, he wasn’t. He would rather think it over again and again, keeping his thoughts to himself than express them properly, mostly because he didn’t always know how to. It probably did sound ironic, considering he spent most of his time reading and editing books, yet he couldn’t phrase things properly himself. If reading alone was sufficient, there would be a lot more famous writers, or maybe they would be less important because it was something everyone could do. 

“I’ll wait what he has to say first,” he mumbled, turning his cup of coffee around in his hands. It was hard to gauge how Johnny would react. As much as Jeno knew, the American was a possessive lover - enough faith put in his partners not to cheat but territorial in a way regardless. Now that Johnny was no longer with Renjun, though, he had no right to be proprietary anymore, so he really didn’t know what to expect. Thus his own reaction would depend on whether or not the older knew yet. If he did, it was a different case to act on than if he didn’t. “If he doesn’t bring it up on the first day, I’ll probably tell him over lunch or something. Get him a drink first…”

“You think he’ll take the news more easily if he’s got a few drinks down?” Renjun’s lips curled in amusement, an expression that could easily be mistaken with disdain by anyone not knowing the artist as well.

It made Jeno smile, too, as he watched over the older, always intrigued by this careful mixture of opposing emotions. “No?” He took a sip from his coffee, just to get a bit of the tension up. “I think he’ll remember that friendship is more important than being upset.”

This time around, the other’s expression softened severely. “He won’t push you away, Jeno. Not forever.” Hands wrapped around his around the coffee cup, a tender hold, soothing gesture. “He’s a romanticist, he believes more into this whole power of love thing than either of us. You know that.”

“We said the same thing about Jaehyun before he nearly beat up his ex, dear.” The memory made him grin lightly. Certainly Renjun had heard of it, and while that day itself hadn’t been the brightest in their friend group, they all tried to take it with humor by now. 

The Chinese easily picked up on the amusement with him, the poor attempt of a joke the elevate the mood a bit. “Wouldn’t I be the one to get beat up in that equation?”

“Hm.” Jeno adjusted his grip on the cup a bit, freeing his hands enough to entwine them with Renjun’s. “Good thing you aren’t there then. That way I can make sure your pretty face gets spared the massacre.”

“We can’t have that, can we?”

“Not at all.” Jeno agreed with a smile, squeezing the artist hands within his gently, rubbing his thumbs along Renjun’s. He didn’t have much time left before he’d need to go, with having to still pass security and all, and it already pained him to have to say goodbye so fast. “Can I call you every day?”

“I’d be upset if not,” the older smiled, a bit somberly due to the awareness of their soon ending time together. “Just don’t disrupt my beauty sleep or my pretty face has to suffer another sort of massacre.”

“Stop hanging out with Jaemin, Renjun.” Jeno teased softly while already getting up. Cautious not to throw over their drinks, he leaned over the table to press a kiss to his lover’s forehead. “I’ll miss you, Renjunnie.”

“I’ll miss you too, Lee Jeno,” the artist agreed and, just as the dark haired was about to pull back, grasped him by the neck to go for a proper kiss. Even without knowing they would be apart for so long, Jeno would easily melt into the kiss, lured in by Renjun’s temptation like a sailor going mad over sirens singing. They were dazed enough to ignore the fact that they would drown by jumping into water, he simply remained oblivious to the startled gazes around them.

When they were both out of breath, they had to break apart, mirrored smiles on their lips. Jeno went for another short kiss, nothing more than a peck, and muttered, “I love you, Huang Renjun.” He didn’t receive a verbal reply, he hadn’t expected one either. The gentle smile he received was enough of a response to keep him reassured for a while longer.

With their still entwined hands, he gave a gentle squeeze to the other’s, a final goodbye for their temporary parting. Any more words seemed to not be necessary when all had already been said.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


There was a calm before every storm but the one looming over Jeno had been unexpected. Or rather, it had come faster than he had anticipated. Renjun had relieved him of the burden that was having to inform Johnny of what was going on, and the screenshot he had received upon his landing, about the single message the Chinese had shot his ex after months of no contact had read “Jeno and I are dating”. So that was, in the very short version, as to why Jeno was sat in the bar Johnny had introduced him to once, with the older opposite him and nursing his second beer of the night.

Neither of them had approached the topic yet and he wasn’t even certain either of them actually knew how to. At first, they had tried to bridge the awkwardness with some small talk, questions of what they had been up to, only that a lot of that involved Renjun in Jeno’s case so it had died down pretty fast.

It should be considered ironic that, in the end, it was once again their common love interest that prompted the talk. Jeno’s phone was resting on the tabletop, screen up, so when a message came in from this very special person to them, Johnny didn’t seem to be able to hold back anymore. “So, you and Renjun, huh?”

“Yeah…” Jeno smiled lightly, glancing down at the message from Renjun. There wasn’t much, it was a mention of a restaurant he had discovered upon going to work that they should check out, then followed by the query of Johnny. “We met because of a project and we got along well…”

“Jeno,” Johnny sighed, sounding awfully close to disappointed and it was enough to make the younger flinch a bit. “You don’t have to lie to me, you know? After that message from Renjun, I called Taeyong.”

“Ah…” He didn’t need much more of an explanation, Jeno already knew where this was going. Taeyong was great at keeping mum but only for as long as he wasn’t questioned directly. His brother had probably felt guilty for not having informed his best friend himself and, after some prodding, spilled the whole story to an extent. “I’m sorry…”

Was he supposed to tell the story himself now? Not knowing what his brother had told, there might be a lot of things left unsaid but how much of that should he fill in? Questions like those, and a dozen more, raced through his mind as silence settled between them once again.

Unsurprisingly, it was uncomfortable, all the more so because Jeno had never been uncomfortable around Johnny. Taeyong’s friends had always treated him kindly, accepted him as one of them despite their age difference, and his brother had always been a good judge of character. There had never been those guys who’d force him into doing stuff he was too young for because it was considered cool at their greater age, and it was something Jeno had felt grateful for again and again. Johnny, especially, had been one of his favorites throughout the years, especially for being the one to have stuck around the longest. How unfitting that it would eventually be their shared heart that might drive them apart…

“I think I fell in love with him the day he told me you were a couple,” he finally said, thinking back to that day in the library. It was vibrant in his memories even now, slightly altered by idealization, but one thing that remained was the beauty of a certain Huang Renjun. The way his heart had raced being smiled at, the urge to protect and guard like a stupid dog when the other had looked startled and confused, the warmth spreading through his body from where they had played footsie. Those emotions never really had left him. 

Johnny hummed in understanding, passing some more moments by nipping his beer. The tension was slowly but definitely clawing at Jeno’s nerves and heart. It didn’t seem like the older was that mad, yet there was an underlying pool of emotions he couldn’t tell apart. Eventually, Johnny spoke up again, confessing, “We had our first big fight because of you, actually.”

A startled noise slipped his lips, the kind Renjun had confessed to find adorable. His friend, too, must think similarly, and smiled sympathetically. “It was shortly after you left. Junnie went out to a party one evening and left his phone out. There was a message from Ten, complaining he hadn’t ‘taken his handsome friend along’, followed by emphasizing how much greater this ‘blond model friend’ would fit him, rather than me.”

“Renjunnie and you look good together,” Ten had said that night of Yangyang’s birthday celebration, and the words still echoed through Jeno’s mind as if it had happened only minutes ago. It had hurt him, because it had sounded like the illusion he wanted to live in at times was one that could easily come true. It had hurt a lot. 

But it must have hurt Johnny, too, reading those words coming from someone he had considered a friend before. It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand where Ten was coming from, it was only that the Thai had been unnecessarily stubborn, and that day, he must have hit a sore spot. Having an age difference of five years at such time, it must have earned them one or another confused look, surely also some mean comment. It just wasn’t something to expect coming from a close friend, all the more when said friend was suddenly comparing two people, two friends. 

“I was upset with Renjun, too, because he didn’t try to reassure me. He only looked so… heartbroken, that day, and told me it doesn’t matter because you’re gone anyways. I don’t think I understood why he behaved like that ever.” The last inch or so of beer in Johnny’s glass was downed in one go, and knowing a third would be ordered quickly, Jeno did the same with his Amaretto Sour. 

He always kept the candied cherries till the end, chewing them slowly now as he considered the words for a moment. Renjun himself had said he had always known, had been aware of his feelings, Jeno had just never really anticipated it would upset the older as much that he was leaving. Neither back then, nor now. Guilt, yes, because he had seen it in Renjun’s eyes, but not pain. An ache that had been deflected onto Johnny, too. 

“He knew,” Jeno mumbled, turning his empty glass in his hands, “He knew that he had driven me away. It must have been a sore spot for him, too.” To know that the guy a close friend would rather see him with had been one that could have become reality. Because Ten said they were a better match and without Johnny being involved, they might have been. They wouldn’t be here like this then, not stuck in tense awkwardness in a bar somewhere in Chicago, getting drunk in the evening, but things could have very well played out quite different otherwise, too. 

He might have never met Renjun, for example. Disregarding that Yangyang and Ten apparently had been common links between them. He would have never been able to study overseas, held by the responsibility that came with being in a relationship, would have never mended his connection with Mark. Maybe it would have been more fulfilling without Renjun’s and Johnny’s relationship but it would also be missing certain things. Despite all the agitation and suffering it had meant for Jeno at times, he didn’t actually regret any of it.

“I’m not angry.” Those words leaving Johnny’s lips at the same time as their new drinks were delivered had the younger deflating in relief. “It’s been over a year, Jeno. I had a lot of time to think and now that the situation has changed… I think I see where Ten was coming from back then.” The older sighed, sinking back into his chair. “Junnie and you always got along well. And while I did love him, and still treasure him greatly, I also get to see why he broke it off… I think he was right back then, when he said, we had too different expectations of life. When it comes down to it, we weren’t meant to be together until the end of our lives… But- Maybe you are, you know?”

Jeno’s eyes widened considerably at these words. So, yes, okay, maybe he had thought that he could very easily spend the remainder of his life waking up and falling asleep to Renjun being next to him. But it was an illusion, a daydream, not something he had consciously considered to pursue. How unexpected it was to hear it from Johnny, of all people. 

“You know, I never really understood how your friendship worked back then.” Expression morphing from sombrity to amusement, the older’s face still seemed to hold a severe hint of dark humor to it. “When we all were together, you got along well but as time went on, you pulled away from Renjun more and more. During group settings too. But he didn’t really give up. It didn’t fit either of you. You were always so adamant about staying friends and Jaemin and Hyuckie who were so far away but not with Renjun? And Renjun would normally give people who didn’t mirror his efforts up. I think it will do you well now.

You managed to reconnect after so many years, started dating, too, and Junnie wouldn’t have told me unless it mattered to him that you were comfortable. Maybe it’s fated, you know?” Johnny grinned, and there it was, this unrelenting romanticism Renjun had mentioned.

How funny it was, that even half a decade later, being so far apart, it was still Renjun haunting Jeno’s mind. Some things just wouldn’t ever change, it seemed. How much more ironic it was that the Chinese kept occupying his mind, showing up in all those little hints in between, when sat across his ex. 

“He still loves you,” Jeno couldn’t help blurt out, biting his lower lip right after, embarrassed by his own little outburst. It wasn’t even his place to tell this but then again, Johnny had been a brother to him years before he had started dating Renjun. At this moment, it wasn’t about Johnny and Renjun and him, it was about seeking advice from a person who knew him as well as his own family. 

“I don’t think he did for a long time now.” Johnny soothed him, reaching out across the table to ruffle up Jeno’s dark hair. “He’s just incredibly stubborn so giving up on a feeling he had felt for years, even if it already faded, doesn’t fit with him. It’s the idea of loving me that stuck around, Jeno, not the real deal.” 

Those words, they felt like a double-edged sword. As much as these words meant to him, he couldn’t help considering they were spoken out of pity purely. It didn’t fit Johnny’s image but it fit Johnny and his tendencies in his role as big brother to want to protect. “How do you know?”

“Because I’ve dated him for years, Jeno,” the older smiled, fingers thrumming against the tableplate. “And he never stopped wearing your watch. I thought he just liked wearing watches so I bought him one, too. He wore it for half a year maybe. He always wore yours.”

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


One thing Jeno loved about Vancouver was the proximity to the sea he was so very used to from home. Growing up with the scent of salt in his nose, the way he could just walk over to the harbor or take the bike out for a ride. Given, Incheon did not offer the prettiest kind of sea view, especially when there were a dozen planes an hour departing, but there was a certain feel to it. One he could definitely enjoy while in Canada, too.

He had missed being there, had missed the unique mixture of greenery and industry, the relaxed attitude of the regionals, their homey accent. Had missed the scent of flowers always surrounding his aunt and lingering in her shop, had missed his uncle still whining about papercuts when he should know better after all these years, had missed Mark’s expressive face and amenable speech.

But most of all, he had missed dropping into his bed back home, sink into pillows that still smelled of Renjun’s cologne and shampoo, with said man right next to him.

“So Johnny neither punched nor killed you,” the Chinese pointed out, sinking into bed as well although it was more like Renjun was lying on top of him, fingers carding through his hair and lips pressing against his bare shoulder. “Did it go well?”

“It isn’t like you wouldn’t know if he had punched me,” Jeno corrected jokingly. With their current positioning, he had to tilt his head to the side to be able to look at the older and what a sight it was. After their shared shower, Renjun looked simply endearing with his wet and ruffled hair, eyes glinting mischievously and lips swollen and red from too much kissing. From below and in quite the bendy way, he moved his hand to the older’s waist, caressing down to his hips and up again. “You’re beautiful, Renjun.”

Said man wrinkled his nose at that, looking displeased were it not for the light flush of his cheeks that was not born from their shower this time around. “Since you’re back, you’re too cheesy, Lee Jeno.” 

“Because I missed you,” the younger smiled, shameless in a way but most definitely open. There was no use denying this when he had expressed it quite obviously in all these pictures he sent and their daily phone call, sometimes two a day. It had been easy for him to fit them in with so much free time at his hands, even easier to accommodate to Renjun’s schedule who had attended some meetings while he was gone. 

His personal favorite had been the one Mark had taken of him the first day in Canada, when his cousin had taken him to the beach straight from the airport, only to there take a shot of Jeno just out of the water. Along with the teasing words, “To send to your boyfriend at home.” Jeno hadn’t dared correct the older that time, and it had entirely slipped his mind as he had forwarded the picture to Renjun indeed, only to be greeted by a very flustered Chinese cursing him out in a voice message for daring to send such a picture in the middle of the day.

But the thought returned to him now, as he played mattress for his lover, as Renjun was still nibbling on his shoulder like a teething puppy. “Renjun,” Jeno started cautiously, licking his lips nervously. Once he had the attention of the older, and those traitorous teeth stopped tormenting his skin in such bittersweet distracting way, he went on, “Are we… officially together now?”

Renjun looked, to say the least, startled, so the younger couldn’t help but backpedal nervously, “I mean, even if you can’t say these words to me yet but we’ve been dating for nearly half a year now and we didn’t really put a label so far so I just thought-”

“I’d gladly,” the older interrupted, much to Jeno’s surprise. Confused, he blinked at Renjun, who only grunted in embarrassment and burrowed his face into the editor’s built shoulder. “Be your boyfriend, I mean…” 

In a second, Jeno broke into a grin, and manhandled the other easily enough until they were laying on their sides, chest to chest. The kiss he went for was nothing short of possessive, now that he had the right to claim whatever was Renjun’s as his, starting with his lips, his mouth, until he was certain the oxygen in their lungs was contaminated by each other’s essence. 

Only when he noticed the older was getting breathless from such bruising kiss did he pull back, smug smile on his lips, and Jeno asked, “What do you think of round two now?”

“You’re insatiable,” Renjun snarled, weakly pushing at his shoulder, strength not sufficient to do more than push himself away. They both knew Jeno would let go immediately if it was serious and not a joke but Renjun was right, he was insatiable. He had waited for too many years and two weeks had just been added on top, there was no way he was ever going to have enough.

Easily he rolled over, hovering above the shorter male by balancing on his elbow, his other hand already sliding beneath Renjun’s stolen shirt. “Round two it is then,” he smiled, delighted, and cut any more protest off with another, a softer kiss.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


“Why?”

A single word spoken from Renjun’s lips but it carried a whole bunch of meanings and those were easy to read for Jeno with but a single glance. He had been waiting for a few minutes now for the older to catch on, feet planted onto the ground as the other struggled with having his bike stop entirely. Now, there were a lot of reasons as to why they were in this kind of situation but none would be sufficient as an answer.

For one, going on Sunday morning sports rounds was Jaemin’s and his thing. In summer they went bicycling or running, sometimes tried out the crazier stuff like indoors surfing. In winter, they’d do something indoors, things that were unlike basic gym routines and demanded them to use their whole bodies. It just… was their thing. Only this time around, Jaemin had fallen sick and Donghyuck had strictly told him to stay in bed.

For another, Jeno might as well have gone on his own but it just so happened Renjun had stayed over the night and questioned why he was getting ready when Jaemin was sick. The explanation of “doing sports on my own” must not have been good enough. So Renjun had offered to go with him and, no doubt, his boyfriend was fit, but Jeno just knew their different levels, they just had their own strengths each. Not that he’d rub salt into those wounds now. 

Furthermore, there was the complication of Renjun, having followed Jaemin’s idiocracy and advice, having chosen a bike without gears. Easier to handle but less so for whenever they were cycling uphill.  
It hadn’t come as a surprise to him that Renjun had enjoyed it first, as they could go calmly around the even riverside, and patiently dealt with the first hills. But the harder it got the more Jeno had anticipated an outburst of rage and it had come, serving as a booster at first until it was the only thing keeping the other going. Now that they had reached the end of it, though, it seemed the artist was entirely out of breath and ready to collapse.

So instead of giving a proper reply of the sorts that might have been expected, Jeno only smiled at the older and offered, “I’ll treat you a meal. If you’re too tired to go back, we can also call a cab, Renjun.”

Immediately, said male wrinkled his nose in detest, blow to his pride evident as he glared at the editor. Albeit it was broken in an instant as he tried to get off his bike only to break into a series of whines and “ow!”s right after, knees bent uncomfortably. Somewhat expected but still surprising.

Jeno, too, was quick to get off his bike and took a hold of Renjun’s as the older fell against the elevated ground framing the pathway on one side, glaring at his legs accusingly. “Cramp?” He asked, securing the bikes quickly before he lowered himself in front of the smaller, reaching his fingers forward to press into the tensed calves fiercely. The kick was bound to occur and might be dangerous if it had been Jaemin, not Renjun. That alone made Jeno grin, listening to the little snarls that came out in lieu of the whines that would scathe pride. “How long has it been since you did this?”

“You mean getting tortured by my oh so harmless boyfriend and his fucking stamina?” The answer came more as a hiss than speech, Renjun’s face pulled into an endearing frown. 

“There were times you said that with awe,” Jeno teased, and this time he took the hit Renjun aimed at him. Little snickers still bubbled up his throat as he fell into the grass too, fingers still looking for the little knots within the muscle tissue. 

Once more the older nudged him with his foot, not hard enough to have him topple over but achieving the aim of slight discomfort. “Can’t believe you do this every week… You two are crazy.” 

In theory, Jeno knew that it was meant to be insulting, and yet the way Renjun looked at him so very intensely was anything but. Neither was the way the older looked him up and down, gaze turning darker by a hue while emphasizing just how crazy they must be once again. It had the younger smile, trying to ignore the heat creeping up his nape that was not borne from sun rays kissing his skin. “You won’t ask about seeing Jaemin’s abs next, will you?”

“No,” Renjun grinned, “I guess you’re sufficient. Unless…”

Just as a little revenge, Jeno pressed a bit harder into the tense muscles, eliciting a surprised yelp from the smaller. Despite the teasing attached to his best friend’s name, he had to admit the physiotherapist was a helpful one, considering without Jaemin’s schooling he wouldn’t know how to massage the cramps out best. 

“Too bad he’s happily taken then, right?” His fingers pressed a bit harder again as Jeno looked up with a smile, before changing it into a soft little pat prior standing up. “Come on, you’ll like the restaurant.”

The location was a bit further up the hill, on an unpaved path and he actually had meant to spare Renjun cycling up the uneven last bit. More so, he handled the bikes himself, fingers tight around the handles as he pushed them up to relieve the older of the added strain and, true to his words, he could immediately see Renjun’s eyes widening in awe. 

From the terrace one could see the broadened river, framed by nature and urbanization alike. The restaurant itself was on the lower end of a village, a secret tip between locals as they had been told during their first times coming here, and the food was definitely worth the exercise. To see his boyfriend enjoy it, too, was an even bigger accomplishment for Jeno. Getting punched in the shoulder not so much.

“You should have told me to pack some art materials, idiot,” the older snarled and, looking at the view offered to them, Jeno couldn’t help but agree. He should have mentioned it, only the time Renjun had agreed to come along, he had been too delighted by that fact alone to think of anything else.

Vaguely he gestured for the smaller to take a seat first while he fixed the bikes to a stand with a chain, following quickly after and, as he settled down, he answered, “I’ll tell you to next time.”

Beneath the table, Renjun kicked him in the shin. “You actually think I’m suicidal enough to let you murder me one more time by coming along here? Thanks but no thanks.”

“It can only be one, baby. Either you’re suicidal or I murder you.”

“Lee Jeno,” the older grumbled warningly, eyes slimmer as they glared at him from across the table, and the dark haired couldn’t help smiling.

Without a care in the world, not afraid of this little beast in front of him, he reached forth and brushed silvery sweaty bangs aside. “You look beautiful even like this. It’s really not fair.”

In detest, Renjun wrinkled his nose. “Thanks. You only tell me about thrice a week or whenever I suck your dick but I guess I’ll just act as if you never said it before, fucker.”

“You’re also cute like this,” Jeno smiled, and his honesty was rewarded with yet another kick. In the back of his mind, he could hear a suspiciously Donghyuck-sounding voice call him “whipped, your honor!”. Thankfully, the waiter arrived in time, carafe of water and glasses ready at his hands, to cut of Renjun’s incriminating violence. Although it was quite endearing for Jeno to see his lover in such relaxed posture, without a means of holding back or putting on an act. 

Simply the fact the Chinese beauty was comfortable enough around him to be forthright and candid, all violence forgiven, was the biggest sign of trust he could ask for. All he could ever wish for. Without a word, he moved his hand forward, let their fingers tangle on the tabletop in blissful ignorance of the waiter observing them.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


Thoughtfully he played with the package of cigarettes between his fingers. He had indeed stopped smoking after that one year as undergraduate but when he had visited Yuta in Osaka once for a weekend vacation, one of Yuta’s friends had smoked peach flavored ones. The sickening sweet and awfully artificial flavor had been incriminatingly addictive, so the older had bought him a few packages and hidden them in Jeno’s luggage before leaving. That had been nearly three years ago and he had barely so managed to finish one of the boxes so far. With a handful sticks wasted on Jaehyun who tried them, cursed them out for tasting horribly in a drunk stupor, and then fell for the same trick some several months later again. In a way, it was even funny to watch.

So in theory, Jeno knew it was a bad idea. But his nerves were acting up and he didn’t know how else to calm him down when all he could hear through his speakerphone was the coughing of children in the back. Hospital rates were low and Donghyuck was supposed to be on break but one of the kids in the ward seemed to only behave around the tan nurse so the older was willing to forgive the interruption for once.

“Shit,” he muttered, pushing the package away the second his fingers were toying with the lid, not willing to give in to his former addiction just yet. He didn’t even own an ashtray anymore. 

Like a summoning spell, the cursing must have done wonders for Hyuck was back on the phone, jumping back into their shared topic instantly, “Look, Jeno. I know you are agitated but you might not be the sole reason Renjun is staying. We are all aware you love him too much to ever want to restrict him but - Jeno… dear, would you actually want him to leave?”

“Fuck, no, Hyuckie, but-” With a tired groan, he dropped his head onto his arms resting on the tabletop. Maybe he should have lit the cigarette. Tapped the ash into the sink. The least it would have done is help him sort his thoughts. “But the job-”

Right… The job. It had been on detours he had actually gotten to know about it. Because Ten and Taeyong had picked up on their friendship again some months ago when running into each other at an entertainment company, and Ten was still Renjun’s confidant so naturally Renjun would have looked for advice from the Thai. Who had then told Taeyong, in naive innocence or intricate cunningness. Who had then told him over brunch today.

It was one wonderful job, of a big company’s new branch focusing on computer games and the office for character development had found out about Renjun, offering it to him. They would pay more than freelancing ever could, had offered easing his moving back by arranging for an apartment and everything, and he was basically free to do whatever for as long as he got a certain amount of suggestions done in a week. If he did double, and they were accepted, they might even afford him with more free time.

Overall, it was a perfect job. Only it required Renjun to move back to China and, while not yet having declined formally, if what Ten had told was right, that decision was pretty much set in stone already either way. Renjun was planning to just decline such great offer and all Jeno had been able to think about after listening to it was the idea of him holding the older back. Already he was playing with the idea of just breaking up just to encourage the artist to go home for the job. 

“But the job is his job, Jeno,“ Donghyuck sighed, surely trying his best not to get agitated. Considerably his temper had toned down throughout the years of dealing with stressful patients and while children were easier to handle a lot of times, their parents would nevertheless make the staff upset on sufficient occurrences. And still, Donghyuck getting honestly upset happened less and less. “Say, why did you go to America back then?”

“Because of the education,” the editor replied, eyes still wistfully caught onto the cigarettes. The first time he had smoked had been because of Renjun, too. That night in the club. What a horrible habit to take on because of a broken heart. But now his heart was no longer broken so maybe… “And-” He sighed. Naturally Renjun had been one of his reasons at that time too but not the only one. There had been the encouragement from his family, the way the Suhs had silently sworn to take care of him, the chance of further perfecting his English that had still been rough on the edges.

“And were there other ‘and’s other than Renjunnie.” The younger interpreted his words easily, already too used to the staggering thoughts that came along with Jeno having not only to think but also talk about his emotions. “Think back to when you made your decision, Jeno. You made Renjun a secondary reason. You would have never considered studying overseas if the university wasn’t as good as what you had been aiming for. You’ve always enjoyed talking English. You had a support system over there. How much of that applies to Renjun now?”

“I… I’m not sure, Hyuckie, I-”

“Jeno,” the nurse sighed, the roll of his eyes tangible over the phone line, “He doesn’t have a support system in a city he’s never been to before. All his friends are here, and his family lives somewhere else in China. He can already speak the language. He can find a similar job here, too. Why do you think this decision is only about you?”

It was a simple enough query to answer and at the same time it wasn’t. He knew he was most afraid of Renjun leaving him, hypocritically so, considering he had done the same. But at that time, the one his heart had longed for had had no right to deny his departure, the contrary of Jeno who would have every right to do so, considering they were in a relationship. Only he couldn’t possibly do it. The last thing he wanted to be responsible for is blocking Renjun’s way up, the journey for more, hold him back. An embarrassing enough thought, so he couldn’t voice it out loud.

“Look, I th-” Donghyuck’s voice was cut off by the nervous beeping of his speakerphone’s battery running low, and as it turned off right after, his phone immediately jumped to loudspeaker. 

“What did you say?”

The younger whined dramatically. “I said to talk about this with Renjun! There’s only so much I can do for you when I’m not in charge of his train of thoughts, Nono, you have to ask him. He won’t lie to you, not about this. So even if I tell you all day long about this not being your responsibility, you won’t believe it anyways until you hear it from him. Just - talk to him. Seriously.”

In the background, he could hear the sound of the front door falling close, and he scrambled for his phone halfway across the room. “Wait, Hyuck, give me a-”

“Just. Talk to him!” Donghyuck’s last words were followed by the line cutting off before Jeno had so much as grasped his phone, too late, and as he looked up, Renjun was already standing there, in the kitchen door, eyeing him up. From the darkened phone to the nervous look in the editor’s eyes to the cigarette package on the table.

Connecting the dots wasn’t a challenge, especially not for someone like the Chinese, and yet Renjun cut him some slack. For now. “You’re not starting to smoke again, are you?”

“Would you mind?” Jeno asked back, not even thinking about it first. Realization about these words possibly being the wrong ones to be said only hit him seconds later, about the implication hidden in them.

Renjun only shrugged. “Never kissed a smoker before.” Seemingly casual. Cool. If that’s how this would go, Jeno could deal. “I just know you’d only consider smoking if you’re bothered by something so: why?” Jeno backpedaled.

So, evidently, he was not let off the hook easily, it just didnt make being put on the spot any more comfortable. He had never liked the sensation of being questioned, part of the reason he had so seldomly strayed off the path as a younger already, stuck with the image of the good boy next door. Not scrutinized by his own lover.

“Talk to me,” Renjun demanded, mimicking the last words that had been said over the phone, and Jeno just knew he had to give up on this. Donghyuck had already hinted sufficiently about this topic being between the two of them, so the editor could do little more than signal for Renjun to sit down as he went to fix them something to drink. Alcoholic, preferably, when something soothing like tea was much more recommendable. The latter he chose.

Steaming cups set down, Jeno took a seat as well, taking his sweet time assessing the older’s appearance. There were dark circles, proof of Renjun working too much at a time and at night with too many projects at once. The thinner waist that spoke tales of forgetting to eat, and there were only so many times Jeno was around to prepare some meals in between as well. It weighed heavier on his conscience, to know there was a better job, with better conditions, and the question returned again as to whether or not it was his fault for holding his lover back.

“The job offer…” He started slowly. Actually, Jeno didn’t even know how to pry into this topic otherwise, or what more to add to it, to be exact.

Across him, Renjun lightly frowned. “I’m not doing it. Why are you thinking about that?”

“Because you’re not doing it…” Having this conversation had definitely been easier when he had been with Donghyuck still, on the phone or in person. Because Donghyuck could always understand the weird courses of his thoughts, the ups and downs of them and the little jumps they did. Something his boyfriend was less attuned to, judging by the thoughtful expression.

“Do you want me to leave?” Renjun asked slowly, and Jeno could feel his eyes widen in surprise at these words. “Because I actually thought we were doing quite well so far. I’m not really interested in long-distance, though.”

He considered long-distance. He considered. Jeno could feel butterflies rising into a turmoil in his guts but, right, now was not the time to think about that, so he pushed them away quickly again. “No. No, I really don’t want you to leave but… Renjunnie… It’s a good job, don’t you think?”

“Yeah…” Which sounded, yeah, not really believable. “But how did you even know about that?”

“Does that matter?” Now, it was Jeno’s turn to frown lightly, down into his mug of tea, bangs perfectly covering the wrinkles on his forehead. “You weren’t planning to tell me, after all.”

“Well, of course I wasn’t planning to! It doesn’t concern you when I’m not even gonna do it anyways and-”

“Just how can you simply brush it off when the offer-”

The chair, as it dragged over the ground, screeched uglily. Enough so to victoriously interrupt Jeno in his words and next thing he knew, his head was buried into Renjun’s stolen sweater. It was his sweater. Nimble fingers combing through his hair, trying to soothe him down and effectively doing so.

“Lee Jeno,” Renjun started, so awfully affectionate it squeezed the sitting one’s heart painfully, “I did not tell you because it doesn’t matter. Were it an offer tempting enough to make me leave, I would tell you. But it’s not. I’m happy here. I won’t leave.” 

“Why?” A loaded question, heavily so. The kind many people would struggle with for there were so many reasons to interpret it.

Renjun didn’t, because Renjun was slowly getting a grasp on his thought processes. “Because I have all my friends here. I have a job that makes me happy.” Each sentence was accompanied by another caress, soothing, reassuring. “I am free to do whatever I want when I am my own boss. Jeno, there’s a reason I left an office job like that, no matter the amount of freedom I get from it, okay?”

Lowly, the younger hummed into the thick sweater fabric, pulling in the silver haired further, until Renjun was stood between his legs and their embrace left as little space between them as their current positioning allowed. “I also finally got my hands on the infamous Lee Jeno,” the Chinese teased, fingers curling strands of black hair around their knuckles, “After all these years. Why would I want to go away now?”

“Maybe you just want to leave me,” Jeno mumbled, burrowing deeper into Renjun’s stomach, inhaling the mixture of cologne and laundry detergent deeply, “get away before it gets too real or something.”

A million possibilities were offered with these words, a thousand chances to reverse them and throw it back at Jeno who liked to act brave unless it was about his own feelings towards Renjun. Seemed like the older would forever be the exception to all his unwritten rules in life. The one who wouldn’t leave his mind nor that special crook in Jeno’s heart, sometimes clogged up, sometimes streaming out like rose colored gas from a genie’s bottle. Although Jeno had but one wish to be fulfilled, not three. 

Like a satisfied goat, though, the Chinese indulged him, much rather than throwing back another round of words. There weren’t further words of reassurance, they weren’t needed when Renjun’s proximity alone was enough to calm him down, and the way Jeno still felt clingy like this was the sole reason they were sitting in the bathtub half an hour later, after Renjun had pointed out he’d like to take a shower before going to bed.

Water temperature just below scalding and bubbles mounting high, Jeno did very well think of these times as the best parts of his days: when Renjun was tucked into his side still in the morning, drowsy from sleep and communication consisting of low hums mostly, not even properly awake by the time Jeno alredy had to leave for work; when he came home and Renjun was there, waiting for him, dinner on the stove, or how they’d cuddle up on the couch after eating; going to bed, and he didn’t only think of when they were tucked in beneath the sheets but also fooling around while brushing their teeth, the gentle scent of vanilla shampoo and green tea body wash mixing in the bathroom as Renjun took a shower, and how it was still floating like a cloud around the older when cuddling up in the sheets. Or like right at this moment, with the smaller set between his legs, slender back against his broader chest, fingers mingling and playing above the older’s softened stomach.

So easy was it to just drown in this moment, let go of the exhaustion of the day and week, enjoy the lack of space between them, how much he wanted this to repeat day and day again, without spending days apart a few times every week. For that reason, without properly considering the timing, he asked, “Want to move in with me?”

The thought didn’t come up for the first time. Renjun already spent most nights a week at his place, and his was bigger than the artist’s, too, since his job paid surprisingly well. There goes the rumor of editors not earning that well. Or maybe it was just his company being a bit more generous on rewarding their efforts. Or the way he worked overtime too often for Taeil to tolerate just like that. 

Maybe in a while they could also afford an even better place, with their shared incomes, or just invest in other little things, or big ones. Whatever way time would direct them at. 

Against his own chest he could feel the vibration of Renjun humming in consideration. On the other’s prompting, Jeno’s fingers were directed into entanglement, resting crossed on that stomach he had spent so many nights kissing in adoration and biting, sucking, licking to leave his trace behind, in a way Renjun would so often resemble to a horny dog. Not like Jeno did mind as long as he was allowed to continue either way. 

“Why not, actually,” the older eventually resigned, shrugging his shoulders lightly, “Your mattress is better for my back anyways.”

“Why do you make your reasoning sound like an old man’s,” Jeno whined, not even fighting the pout on his face as he hid his face at the crook of Renjun’s shoulder. It also meant pressing their bodies tighter together, every square inch of bare skin against bare skin feeling like a caress of heavenly breezes. 

“Better than being all disgusting and romantic.” At least Renjun’s reasoning was honest, and if it meant Jeno would get what he wanted, it was something he’d gladly deal with either way. Especially if it meant he’d get more of it, this, and Renjun.

  


★.｡.:*･ﾟ☆

  


Snowflakes were floating beautifully around Renjun, nose buried deep within the flowers Jeno had picked up from his aunt before meeting his boyfriend outside the hotel they were staying in. It was a personal favor, not anything any stranger would have possibly agreed upon, looking up all the cold resistant flowers of wonderfully pale blue and lilac that seemed to fit the older so very well.

Recently, just before their trip overseas to be exact, Renjun had given up on the silver of his hair to exchange it with a luscious brown, adorning him with a softer brown that Jeno still felt himself being weak for. Then again, he might as well be weak for Renjun at any given time so the exact hair color decorating his crown didn’t even matter much. And still, it did something to Jeno’s heart, seeing the deep brown that had him craving to drive his fingers through paired with the tender expression on his boyfriend’s face while staying so close to the floral present. Mostly, it made him aware of just how hopelessly in love he was with the older, a feeling running as deep as it had in spring, as it had been so many years ago.

“Stop staring,” the Chinese suddenly reprimanded him, voice silent to fit with their evening’s relaxed mood. The streets weren’t as busy as they had been the prior evenings, with people staying in, spending this very special night with their beloved ones.

Jeno had that very same aim set for himself, spend this night with his most beloved person, and had it not been for careful planning since months he would have struggled way more to have it turn out this very same way it would now. Just finding a restaurant with closing hours befitting of his own personal schedule had been a challenge, not to mention the confusion of some store owners borne from his early in request on reservation.

“Stop being as mesmerizing then,” he replied lovingly, smiling in favor upon Renjun’s nose wrinkling in annoyance. The older didn’t miss the chance to slap his arm in good humor before allowing their fingers to entwine, the slap hardly even mattering with the thick coat adorning Jeno’s own figure. Even less when he could feel a more slender hand being swallowed up by his own, and the Chinese so pliantly following after him as he began leading their way through the streets. 

There was a certain kind of mood about walking the streets in Vancouver on Christmas Eve that could never be achieved in Korea - the mellowly falling snow that seemed to put everyhing beneath a veil of tranquility, the many hung up illuminating decorations, the festive spirit that came with seasonal adornments, and not or ever to forget about the mesmerized sparkle in Renjun’s eyes.

Seeing Vancouver in winter’s time was nothing new to Jeno but experiencing it all anew with the love of his love very much was so. Seeing Renjun’s juvenile adoration allowed him to, also, experience everything anew, looking at all the details as if he had never before just so he could understand where this easy admiration came from. Despite them having been around already since to days and some, this was simply something he wouldn’t tire of, couldn’t possible when only look at Renjun was sufficient to alight that kindling flame within his heart again.

The restaurant he had booked them a table at was further down the city, a bit of a walk from their hotel, located near the harbor just so they wouldn’t be spared the view of the ocean spreading out in front of the city borners. Neither of them actually did mind that, not when Renjun didn’t get tired of looking at everything with a thousand galaxies in his orbs and Jeno didn’t tire of seeing Renjun like this.

Unknowingly, he had walked further ahead of the older who had let go of his hand with the excuse of wanting to hold onto the flowers a bit differently some minutes ago, a realization that didn't reach him before the cold snow sneaking down his nape. The moisture was freezing cold, hitting him instantly with violent shudders thanks to his scarf sitting too loosely around his throat. It was cold, not windy, he hadn't seen a reason to bundle up all tight as long as he wouldn't end up freezing too much.

A thing he now wanted to regret but couldn't, with Renjun's tinkling laughter filling his ears, the happiness of his partner clear in front of his eyes without yet having turned around. Jeno didn't even get a chance to. The older was basically crushing into him, arms coming up around his shoulders, legs wrapping around his waist, and all his most basic instincts told him to hold on to the additional weight on his back.

Instead of an excuse, he was greeted by more snow being dropped down the front if his coat, sneaky fingers making sure to rub the snow into his shirt and an accompanying kiss planted onto his cheek. It was icy enough for Jeno to yelp out loud, wanting to let go of his lover already but digging his gloved fingers into the supple flesh of thighs instead, cursing, "You're such a menace, Huang Renjun."

"And yet you still love me, Lee Jeno," said man easily retorted, smile on his lips and affection dripping from his lips. The warm breath tickled against Jeno's ear in the chilly weather, squeezing his heart tight in never ending endearment for the older, going well with the just spoken words indeed.

Lightly, he huffed, air released in little puffy clouds. "I do love a menace then," he agreed, added, "My very own menace."

The agreement came in a low hum, with Renjun cuddling further into his back and shoulder, limbs tightening to sleaze off Jeno's warmth. The deluding sense of winter flowers was strong in his nose, distracting him somewhat from keeping his balance without sleeping now that his weight was a bit off.

Carrying Renjun like this wasn't even too new a thing for him, not with this lightweight on his back being unable to walk straight after a few drinks already, or just being lazy from walking around all day. It had become a thing, their thing, sometime in summer, and the most challenging occurrence so far had been a rainy day, when they had needed to share an umbrella and walking next to each other had seemed like too normal a thing for Renjun to do. Jeno had been forced to piggyback his boyfriend home all the way from the train station to their newly shared home, the older unwilling to stay waiting half an hour for the bus that could have also taken them.

The street that afternoon had been slippery at times, turning it into a challenge for Jeno to neither step into a too deep puddle, to avoid the widespread ones with his fabric made trainers just soaking up the water then, and not have both of them fall over from his stumbling. All of it did not compare to the slippery state of snow, the weight of it as it clung to his shoes no matter the relief wearing proper shoes brought him. The parts the city hadn't put thawing salt seeming more strenuous, demanding him to pay more detention despite the lazy sloth clinging to his back being an awful distraction at times.

Renjun, in his endearing fascination, was pointing out things every once in a while, demanding replies wherever Jeno could give them and whenever there was no explanation at the ready, the smaller would just ratter off about what he liked about it. In between, walkin past shops that were already closed or in the process of such, he'd also comment on the things he wanted to be given as a present that Jeno attentively listened to.

Naturally, he wasn't able to afford every piece of jewelry, clothing and art Renjun directed his finger at. It just didn't mean he couldn't memorize it to the best of his abilities for when he spotted something similar, or was in need of a present to give his lover, be it prompted by a reasoned date or just the fun of it. This trip had already cost him a hefty sum after refusing to accept a single won from Renjun who had afterwards been dead set on repaying him in other and very differing ways, it had not been nearly enough to stop him from wanting to spoil his boyfriend rotten to every last extent.

By the time they approached the riverside, the brown haired seemed to be ready to walk on his own again, wriggling around to be let down only to wince once his legs had to carry his own weight again. Just observing it, Jeno couldn't help asking, "Bad?" Renjun only shook his head in reply.

Their fingers easily found their way back together, and this time the taller promised himself not to let go lest he'd get surprised by yet another snowy attack that would threaten to freeze his pecs off. Although it seemed Renjun was more pliant, allowing Jeno to just pull him along as he marveled at all the little things around them, at the so very different view between the river here and at home.

"Are you going to take me here again in summer?" The older asked curiously, one that fit well with Jeno, though. Regardless of having spent more time in Chicago, he felt more at home in Vancouver, partly blaming that on Mark, though. In his mind alone, he had already made plans to show Renjun around in every season there was, if only so they could explore the seasonal sights together again and again. To him, it was a wonderful idea.

Though, "If you're fine with staying with my family the next time around." Jeno was smiling but he wasn't entirely lying. He wouldn't be in any possible way able to afford an as posh hotel so soon again.  
Renjun seemed to turn it over in his mind, juggling the thoughts around, before sighing, "You know I can pay my share too, right?"

"Won't let you," Jeno smiled easily. To him, it didn't even seem like a bothersome idea. He was a family person, he enjoyed these times spent together, and he had made a home of many places, some of which Renjun was more familiar with, some less.

At their shared home, obviously. At his parents' place Renjun was as welcome as him, and the same applied to Taeyong's, during those times they visited each other. Now that Renjun had already been over to dinner at Mark's family home, getting to know Jeno's uncle and aunt, it seemed easy enough to spend more time there in the future. The only place missing was the Suh's, the only one he held slight inhibitions about. Johnny's parents knew Renjun as Johnny's partner, no amount of reassurance from his friend could eradicate the awkwardness he felt at the mere thought of such situation.

"You're so annoying," Renjun puffed out, eyebrows furrowing in disdain and yet the flush on his cheeks intensified. It wasn't a new discussion to them, the question over who'd pay what after moving in together, no, even before that. Renjun had always protested Jeno's every covering the restaurant bills they went to, no matter how often the younger would point out that Renjun cooking for him was sufficient enough of a repayment.

Ultimately, that was a right solely reserved to Renjun. Were it Jaemin or Donghyuck, he wouldn't even consider paying for them, more so, furthermore just forced Jaemin to cover their bill altogether. It seemed like a fair exchange for the loss of nerves he had to go through with his best friend anyways.

Renjun's fingers tightened around his, calling for attention in the most subtle of ways. "If we come here in summer," the older started, voice confident but posture not, eyes averted and head turned away, "are you going to propose to me?"

Much like a kick to the guts, the query punched any and all air out of Jeno's lungs. No need to ask for what kind of proposal was meant, it was out in the open, evident. They were at the right age to consider it, more than that even, it wasn't the first time Renjun would go through this situation then. Just... Jeno was sure it was the first time the Chinese had ignited the idea ever.

Hoping for eye contact, the younger stopped in his tracks, forcing Renjun to as well. "Would you like that? Me proposing to you in summer?" He flipped the conversation around, attentive to even the slightest physical twitch from the other. There was none, though, merely Renjun nervously biting down onto his tongue if the tensed jaw was anything to go by.

Easily enough one of his leather gloves came off, allowing him to reach forth with a shaky exhale, cup Renjun's cheek, warm skin against cold flesh, and adjust the oldervs face to turn to him. "I won't," he answered, honestly enough, "But not because I don't want to. I've already decided to propose to you in the way of our first date, when I'll take you to a skating rink again, under the starry sky, with the moon shining down on us and the excuse to hold you close. That's when I'll propose to you."

Silence. It dragged on, held out, until it seemed nearly unbearable. And then, in a very Renjun way, unexpectedly and with a speed that didn't seem to fit, Jeno found himself being kissed. Both their lips were chafed from the cold, dry and cold, and the kiss was the most warming one out of all of theirs so far anyways. With soothing heat spreading from their slowly moving lips throughout all of Jeno's body, he couldn't help but fall all over again, for this moment, and this man.

"You're an idiot," Renjun whispered, the words just prolonging what was originally a kiss, with their lips brushing against each other's with the little motion. "A very cheesy, very insufferable idiot."  
Leave it to Renjun to be insulting at even such a moment, to be so very unique, infinitely appealing in the bittersweetest of ways. Words lying on the tip of his tongue, ready to mimic their earlier conversation and point out he was very well Renjun's idiot, and Renjun's alone, he found himself cut off by this very man saying, "An idiot I love."

At this very moment, it felt like time had stopped, drastically slowed down at least, snowflakes nearly halted in their falling and the oxygen in his own lungs stuck, with all Jeno could do was to look at his lover. After all these months of waiting, loving, enduring, he had both anticipated their arrival and forgotten about them entirely. Over time, it simply had become normal for them, for Jeno to keep confessing, professing his feelings as Renjun would quietly take them in or reply with actions in lieu of words. At times, it slipped his mind he had never heard these syllables leaving Renjun's lips, carefully held back and never sneaking out at even the most unexpected of times as they would do in stupid rom-coms. On the contrary, Jeno couldn't help wonder whether they hadn't been carefully saved up for a moment like this, hitting him like a bomb, out of the blue, sending his heart rate into overdrive from simply hearing them once.

It seemed they had both carefully planned these encounters, these little but decisive moments. Just like he had confessed to already having planned out his engagement proposal perfectly for in another year's and some time, Renjun seemed to have planned for this: speaking heart's matters out loud, beautiful orbs speaking of dedication, admiration and affection. It was contradicting the flush high on Renjun's cheeks, reaching his ears and neck, it was all too easy for the taller to see it was not borne from the cold alone this time around.

Below that beautiful face he was lucky enough to wake up to every morning again and again, where the flowers, sparkling from the snow on the petals and the light hitting them around, held by a gloved hand Jeno could undress easily in his mind, just to put an imaginary ring there. One step closer to this very moment. He released a shaky breath.

"This is when you're supposed to answer me, Lee Jeno," Renjun scolded snarkly, all bite and no teeth. Confidence in voice was betrayed by restless fingers, and this time around the younger couldn't help breaking into a wavering smile.

He didn't speak any words but he did step closer, one hand moving to pull the flowery bouquet aside by circling the carrying wrist, other wrapping around that lithe waist he loved holding on to most in this world, and promply pulled the older closer for a bruising kiss. There was no need to be gentle, loving, tender, not when he had told his feelings again and again. After finally receiving the reponse he had been waiting for, this was all about releasing the desire trapped within him, not just the sexual one, that had been revealed already so early on, but the deeply emotional one. Knowing he held Renjun's heart in his hand for certain now, he had no longer any reason to hold back, ready to claim all of his partner, again and again.

There was no more air to breathe out as little puffs of air when he pulled back, taking in the sight of Renjun's dazed eyes, lips swollen, red and glistening, looking the most perfect they ever could. It felt too early to part just yet, so Jeno leaned in until their foreheads touched, moisture touching his skin from where the snowflakes stranded in their fringes melted away. "Later... I'll give you all of my love again later."

"Now," Renjun demanded, still out of breath, and as tempting as the offer was, to just turn around and go back to the hotel where Jeno could easily worship his lover's body until the smaller had reached the highest point of bliss in all possible ways at least once, they had nearly reached the restaurant already.

"Later," he promised with his lips pressed against Renjun's forehead, corners pulled up in a gentle smile. "Who says I don't have another surprise prepared for you after dinner?"

The brown haired's nose wrinkled in thoughtfulness, only for their hands to be entwined once again. Jeno actually did have one more surprise left, although the exchange of gifts should be expected either way, so there was nothing new about it. It wasn't much actually, a branded bracelet to match with the watch, not a ring for he wanted to save that up for a special day, and neither a necklace, knowing the older didn't like them as much. He also had his suspicions about what Renjun would gift him, a present he would readily forgot about if only, "Can you say it again?"

The smaller looked at him for a moment, then another, then huffed in faked annoyance. "Later."

Later indeed. And for a long time to come after, too.

**Author's Note:**

> For everyone who powered through this: Thank you so, so much for reading and I do hope you got to enjoy it plenty!
> 
> My appreciation goes towards the organizers of this ficfest and I'm glad that the first one I joined was for Noren (albeit I also only joined because it's Noren so we're going circles here...) Please give lots of attention and love to the other stories posted for it, too! Each of the writers is really too lovely to not appreciate ❤️
> 
> On a last note, for anyone who wants to keep up with my writings, here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/starrymeis) and I'm always available on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/starrymeis) as well!
> 
> Finally, here's the prompt:  
>  _Falling in love with your older brother's best friend's ex can be kind of complicated. The first time Jeno sees Renjun, he's mesmerized by how pretty he is, he's charmed by how effortlessly Renjun outsmarts everyone in (insert some game). By the end of the night Jeno knows he's gone for Renjun there's a slight hiccup though, he's dating Johnny aka Taeyong's best friend. He pines from a distance throughout his college life but slowly forgets him as he moves away for job after graduation. Fast forward a few years, he runs into Renjun again, still as amazing and perfect and surprisingly single._


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